


Saving Josh

by MissMonk



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2020-07-10 11:35:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 54,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19905073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMonk/pseuds/MissMonk
Summary: Josh/Sam Slash - - Based around S5 ep Constituency of One. There's only so much a person can take until they finally crash and can no longer pick themselves up. includes drama, angst, mental instability and all manner of fun stuff.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Sam hung up the phone again without leaving another message. It was october 29th's, and it was his best friend and secret loves birthday.

It was times like this when he sometimes wish he was still in Washington. Not working in the west wing, he doesn't regret that. It was an honor to serve at the pleasure of a great man, but the job was slowly killing everything he believed in.

The only thing he really missed by leaving was his friend, especially Josh. They hadn't parted on good terms which still bothered Sam.

He had fallen in love with Josh early on when they first met. It had scared him at the time, on how fast and how hard it had happened. It had been Josh that had convinced him to leave politics for the courtroom. Not with words but with a broken heart. With as close as they were, the best of friends so quickly, it had seemed inevitable that they would end up in bed eventually. The fallout after was still to this day devastating. Same didn't regret sleeping with Josh despite devastation of what happened after.

It had happened at the end of summer when Sams internship was about to end. He was packed up to go back to Duke to finish his law degree. A bunch of fellow interns and friends of theirs were throwing a party before everyone left back to wherever.

The music was loud and the alcohol flowed and Same spent the whole night at Josh's side. They shared a taxi afterword, going to Josh's apartment to squeeze in just a little more time with each other. They had sat on his couch, talking about everything and anything while drinking beer and eating the leftover chinese from the previous day that was in Josh's friend when Sam had been over there to watch the Mets play.

The food was cold and slightly gross and it soaked up the alcohol in his system making him much more sober than he wanted to be, allowing him to notice that they kept moving closer to each other as the night moved on. It was about 2 AM when Sam looked up, startled suddenly at the soft look in Josh's eyes as he gazed back at Sam. It made his heart pound in his chest and the blood rush in his ears.

Without any further thought Sam had leaned over closing the remaining distance between them and gently place a soft kiss upon Josh's lips. He pulled back, eyes still closed afraid of what kind of reaction Josh would have. But knowing he couldn't keep them closed forever he slowly opened them to look over at the friend and man he was secretly in love with.

His heart beat faster, expecting to see shock or anger upon Joshes' face. But what he saw was Josh in the same position with his eyes still closed and his fingertips gently touching his lips with a soft smile upon them. Sam had waited a few beats before reaching his hand out to touch his friends, smiling when Josh finally opened his eyes and hesitantly entwined their fingers.

Sam picked up his phone and pressed the speed dial for Josh again. The phone rang a few times before voicemail picked up with the same greeting Josh had since the campaign. He gave an annoyed sigh at the beep, debating leaving another message or not.

"Hey Josh, it's Sam. It's still early out there so I"m guessing a wild party courtesy of one Donna Moss is going on. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Call me tomorrow." Same hung up the phone, looked at it for a few beats before tossing it on the couch, knowing he wouldn't get a call tonight.

The options of what to do with himself for the rest of the night filtered in. He had no plans other than to call Josh. He had brought some work home with him but he didn't really have the will to deal with it. He had a major case going on and he was frustrated with the client who didn't know what the word "cooperation" meant.

He stretched out on the couch, flicking channels he wondered to himself why he bothered paying for cable. He doesn't have time nor does he care for watching much TV. The only thing he truly watches is News and the occasional documentary. He preferred books.

Changing the channel to CNN, which he knew he would settle on anyways Same watched it with glazed eyes not really taking in what was on the screen as his felt his body relax and slowly fall asleep. His last thought was wondering if he should call Donna just to check up on Josh.

Just on the brink of falling asleep, the reporter changed from the repetitive stories to announce that they were breaking live to an unscheduled press conference being held by Idaho Democratic Senator Carrick. Sam sat up, grabbing the remote to turn up the volume as he watched curiously on what the senator would have to say suddenly this late at night.

"I have come today with a heavy heart to announce that I will be resigning a Democratic Senator. I feel the party has not respected the great state of Idaho as they should be. I feel they have not been as supportive of the needs of the people who have voted both me and the current administration. I have been patient as I supported the parties legislation-"

"Bull shit." Sam muttered as he continued watching feeling anger at the betrayal of the senator and sympathy for his friends who will have to deal with the fallout.

"But I must do what is right for the voters and with that I am leaving Washington tonight back to Idaho to announce in the morning that I am running for Senator as a Republican."

Sam wasn't really surprised at all. Carrick had been basically voting republican the whole time he's been in office. The senior staff had spent more time than what was strictly needed debating why he had chosen to run as a Democrat in the first place. Picking up the remote Sam was about to turn the TV off and go to bed, having no in the ridiculous questions the press always asked when he was stopped suddenly by the last one, asked by the Washington Post.

"Senator Carrick, what was the action that caused you to choose now to break from the Democratic Party. What was the straw that broke it?" they asked. Carrik looked straight into the camera with a half smile that turned Sam's stomach.

"For that you can ask Josh Lyaman. That's all everyone. Thank you."

With that the senator walked away with his staff and Sam remained on his couch watching the replay and analysis of it while his heart stopped and his whole body became cold. The backlash his friend will get for this would be tremendous and potentially end his career. With a Republican House and a barely Democratic Senate, losing a member of the party was not going to go over well.

Picking up his phone he started to press the button for Josh again but stopped. He knew his friend wouldn't answer. He knew that Josh was with the president and Leo right now. That they were taking him out to the gallows to hang him by his feet and beat him bloody. He knew his friend would take it, be ashamed, accept their criticism quietly knowing anything they asked would be rhetoric. He knew it would probably last until very early in the morning when they would be so tired and pissed off that they will send Josh away. Tell him to get out of their sight and to stay out of it until they tell him otherwise.

All of that was obvious. What scared Sam was what Josh would do when he's finally home alone, with nobody around to watch him, to be with him, to make sure he's ok. The staff will just assume that he went home, he's drinking a beer and sitting on the couch in the dark angrily berating himself for what happened. But Sam knew otherwise. Sam knew Josh better than anyone probably ever did and he was afraid.

The thought of calling CJ or Toby or even Donna crossed his mind, but at the moment with all the damage control they had to do as Carrick leaving had weakened the entire administration, he wasn't sure if any of them would even care. But he needed something, anything to reassure him as everything told him to jump on a plane as quickly as possible, and decided to call the one person who would take his call and talk to him during a crisis.

Looking down at his phone he pushed any hesitation away and opened his contacts to call Donna. The phone rang several times, each time it started his gut would twist just a little more until she answered releasing it.

"Sam." Came Donna's breathy answer and he felt relief.

"How is he?" He asked her, omitting the niceties. Donna sighed and he could imagine her standing in the middle of her cubical or in Josh's office trying to stay calm and keep her head in the game.

"He's...he's in trouble Sam." She said simply. "Leo sent him home a few hours ago and has been in a closed door meeting with CJ, Toby, and Will since."

"Donna." Sam interrupted her before she could continue to repeat his question, needing an answer. "How is he?" Again there was a pause from her and he felt his gut twist again.

"He's Josh. He looked agitated, as he should be, when he left but…" She paused and Sam heard a soft click over the phone. For a second he thought she hung up before realizing it was a door. She didn't want to be discussing Josh out where everyone could hear and he felt relieved that his friend has at least one person to support him.

"Donna…" He promoted when she didn't say anything after a few beats.

"I'm worried Sam." She said softly. "I think his PTSD is starting up or...or something has happened or is going on that is weighing on him. Other than this, of course. He's been hot for the past few weeks, Leo has been pissed at him for weeks because of all the angry calls he's been getting about Josh."

"He's doing his job Donna. He's going to piss some people off to get what you need." He stated

"I know that Sam, but there's something else going on and I can't tell you what it is because I don't know. Damnit. " She swore and Sam worried more as he heard her sniffle a few times before continuing. "He's not sleeping Sam, he's lost so much weight. I don't think I've seen him really smile in weeks, and then with this…"

"Ok, It's going to be ok Donna." He said firmly, taking control of himself as his mind put into motion what needs to be done. "I'm going to pack a bag and get a flight out, I'll be there in the morning." He told her. He waited for her acknowledgment or for her to state the next step as she normally did. She was as quick on her feet as any of them and had frequently saved their collective asses.

But no response came. Only a few sniffles on the other end told Sam that she was still on the line. "Donna?" He prompted after a minute or so.

"No, don't come out here." She finally said baffling him.

"Why not?"

"Because...because it might make things worse. For Josh." She paused. "If his PTSD is starting again having you suddenly arrive here help him."

"Donna he's my best friend. He's in a bad place that's just going to get worse. He will need all the support he can get."

"You hurt him Sam!" She shouted into the phone.

"He forgave me."

"But you still hurt him. And you coming back here, yes will help him for a week or two you're here but then you're going to go back to California and leave him again." Sam took a steadying breath, turning her words over and over in his head.

"Donna, Josh and I will be ok." He said.

"No Sam. You won't. Honestly I don't know what it is between you and Josh. It's one of the few things about him that I can't seem to get. But I know that if you come here now when he's where he is, than we are going to lose him. And then we'll lose you. And Sam you and Josh are my friends and I don't want to lose either of you, even if that means keeping you apart."

"Donna…" He said quietly. He closed his eyes tightly, forcing the wetness in his eyes to stay there and not to fall. "He's my best friend. He's hurting, and I miss him. I should be there."

"You should but your not and you shouldn't come. Look, CJ just got out of the meeting with Leo and I need to talk to her. Please stay there ok." With that she hung up the phone and all that was left was silence as Sam held the phone to his ear.

He felt anger build in his chest at being told to stay away. He knew she was right, but everything in his being told him to get to the airport right away. His intuition was seldom wrong but he didn't have to consider Donna's words of caution. Sam knew Josh better than probably anyone else has ever known. But even with that Donna also knows him well. And she had been there with him since he left to run for office.

With a deep anguished sigh Sam dropped the phone on the floor and stretched back out on the couch. No sleep would come this time but at least he'll know exactly what the ceiling above him will look like.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Leo sat warily at his desk, reclining back with a hand covering his eyes. He was exhausted. More so than usual. He had been planning to call it an early night, leaving work early after he had celebrated his deputies birthday with the rest of the staff. Mallory had asked him to have dinner with her and though the normal answer was 'we'll see' he had decided right away to go. Too many times he had to turn her down for one thing or another but he hadn't seen her in weeks and sometimes even he needed a reminder that there was life outside the White House.

Everyone had been so light hearted and excited in the mural room as they gathered to shout 'surprise' at Josh. The rules were lax and it was like they were on the campaign again. Working to death for days on end until a victory arose and gang got together to celebrate and have a good time.

The West Wing was really like a huge family, and though they're overworked, underpaid, fight and argue a majority of the time it gave Leo a sense of pleasure and honor to have helped in the building of it. With that in mind he went against his better judgement and allowed Donna to put together a birthday party for Josh. It was a non-issue if it was anyone else's birthday but when it came to Josh it just wasn't done.

It was a matter that was brought into question even during the campaign. When Joshe's birthday came around and it was inevitable that someone would find out the date, Josh very firmly stated that he didn't want anything done about it. No party, no gifts, and if possible no birthday greetings. It baffled people but Leo backed him up and made it a direct order to treat it like any other day. It was the same way every year since until now.

The only people he ever told the reason why Josh was so dead set against celebrating were the president and his wife. It wasn't his business to tell anyone outside of who Josh chose to. The tale was short and simple. Josh's parents were out for the evening, gathering and ordering for Josh's 7th birthday that was just a few weeks away. They were going to stay in the city for dinner and be home late. Joanie, Joshes' elder sister who was 17 was watching him so their parents could enjoy their night. She had planned for them to watch a movie that was to be on and had been making popcorn for it.

The rest was history. He could imagine Josh, all of 6 years almost 7 of age sitting in the back seat of the Lymans car on the way back from the hospital where his sister's body stayed, the traditional jewish customs of mourning already in starting, moving faster than his young mind could figure out. The only thing the young child could focus on in his confused exhausted mine that night was that he was surrounded by party supplies that were for him and his sister was dead.

Leo wished he had put a stop to the party tonight. Perhaps everything would have turned out different.

"We should pull every bill Carrik has ever voted for since we got here and..and...spin it showing that he was never truly a Democrat to begin with." Toby's voice broke Leo out of his own thoughts.

"If we do that we will lose any possible votes we may need in the future." CJ chimed in. She looked exhausted and worried and that didn't make Leo feel any better at all. She was usually the most confidant one. If she was confident in something then he usually went with it.

"He hasn't voted for hardly anything of ours in the past why do we care now?"

"Because Toby…Well, just because."

"Well as long as you have a good point and can validate it."

"Ok, That's enough." Leo interrupted as Margaret walked in with a stack an inch thick of messages that he knew he would have to return. Why Carrik couldn't wait until the morning for his press conference was way beyond Leo's understanding.

"Leo, I don't think there is any way out of this." CJ said quietly. "There is going to be backlash and negative press on this. They only thing we can do is let it run and pretend we are intelligent adults not out to pick a fight."

"So you want us to just...just stand there and get our asses kicked by a bully?" Toby shouted, pacing in the back of the room.

"No, but when the question comes asking if we have any comment we should have something more than "well he didn't act like a real democrat anyways."

"What would you suggest CJ." Leo asked her, sitting up in his chair and leaning on his desk.

"We say "The White House is disappointed we couldn't come to an understanding but we wish him luck in the election and we'll see him back soon."

"Hey, that couldn't work." Will cut in from his chair in the corner.

"Ok, lets run with that. See how long it will keep them at bay while we come up with a few extra plans for when they realize what's really going on." Leo stated firmly. His tone closing the subject. The occupants in Leos office all stayed quiet for a few minutes, each sneaking slight glances at each other as they tried to bring up the elephant in the room. Leo was about to dismiss them when Margaret came in again with yet another stack of messages. He sighed warily knowing there would be no sleep for him till the end of the term the way they were going.

"Leo…" CJ started, her normally stead voice was much softer than it normally was. "What about Jo-"

"Don't! Don't go there." Leo said harshly, his agitation coming back.

"We have to-"

"No CJ we don't. We really don't."

"Leo, Carrick specifically mentioned Josh as the reason he finally left. He's going to be crucified by both the press and everyone in the party." She pressed and Leo had to force himself not to slam his fist on his desk and tell them 'to hell with Josh."

"Well since he caused this mess he's going to have to take one for the team." Leo stated. "He went too far this time. The party leaders were already pissed off at him in regards to the last two bills he failed to get the votes for-"

"That wasn't just his fault Leo, we all are to blame for that." Toby interjected, dropping himself carelessly on the couch next to CJ. "We couldn't get Maddison, Thomas, and Reed to see reason. They were so focused on their own agenda and what they wanted they didn't care about the importance of the bills."

"So that justifies Josh threatening them?" Leo questioned. "He punched Maddison in the face!"

"He deserved it. He said 'You know, just a few inches right and we could be speaking to someone competent right now." Toby said loudly causing everyone to wince at both the volume and the words.

"That doesn't give him justification for what he did. The Republican party was threatening to bring out the english as the national language again if we didn't issue a public apology."

"Which we did…" CJ pipped in.

"We're not going to discuss Josh. If anyone asks just tell them...hell just tell them no comment at this present time."

"I don't think that's a great idea Leo. And I'm also concerned about Josh himself. He's been-"

"I don't want to hear it CJ. He screwed up on such an epic proportion that it will probably tarnish the administration for past our duration. He have the budget negotiations going on and this will weaken us and damage programs we have already fought so hard for." He said angrily looking at his three employees, daring them to speak. "I think it's best for now we don't talk about Josh, and perhaps you should try avoiding him for awhile ok? Now get out, I have thousands of calls to return." And with that Leo dismissed them, ignoring the concerned expressions on their faces.

Josh walked slowly up the stairs to his apartment. His legs felt like lead and his head felt like it was filled with cotton, blocking out any thoughts and sounds. He barely felt the rain that had fallen upon him during his slow walk home. As he reached his apartment it was then he realized that he didn't have his backpack. Hell he didn't even have his coat. Once he was dismissed Josh got out of the west wing as humanly possible, not bothering to grab any of things, like his keys to the apartment he was now locked out of.

Josh hit the door hard with his fist before giving a hard sigh and leaning against the wall across from it. He debated going to see if the building manager was still awake to come let him in but Josh just wanted to fall to the ground in a heap of misery and pretend he didn't exist.

It was a second before Josh was about to just let his body slide down to the ground when his door opened widely, taking him a moment or two to register who could be in his house.

"Issac?" Josh said questioningly.

"Finally you're home." Issac said happily, grabbing Josh's hand and pulling him into the apartment. Once the door was closed Issac brought place his hand and both sides of Josh's face and pulled him to a fierce kiss. Josh was shocked and surprised, he just wanted to go home and fall into bed, but the feeling of the enthusiasm Issac had forced Josh to kiss back just as hard. He desperately needed a human touch that wasn't mad or disappointed in him. That's what he liked most about Issac.

Everything felt bleak and dark since Rosslyn. Even with the therapy and a lot of support from his friends he still felt something inside him that was empty. He had tried everything to fill it, to make it go away or try to ignore it but as one failure after another over the years since the shooting it never dulled or went away.

The only time it had subsided for any amount of time was the night when Toby and Josh took Sam out to get drunk to help him forget about his father's betrayal. They had taken Sam to Joshes so he could watch him as he was more drunk than he'd probably been since college. Halfway through the night Sam and woken from his drunken slumber with tears and Josh instantly wrapped his arms around him, kissed his temple and told him everything would be alright.

And it was then because the emptiness that lingered in Josh disappeared and he was filled and completely happy as they rolled around on the bed exploring each others bodies. For the first time afterwards Josh didn't feel the horrified shame he normally had after giving into his desire and sleeping with a male. He didn't feel his mind breaking or his gut twisting and the hatred that would burn within him until he gets home and let it out. And then the next day Sam played it off as a one night stand, though it wasn't their first nor was it their last. Up until Sam left they had a sort of 'friends with benefits' thing going on. Each time they were together the void would be filled and Josh would get lost in Sam. Then after Sam would leave and the hole would slowly empty until the next time. He had always loved Sam since they first met, so in fear of losing what he could have of him Josh kept silent and just continued giving Sam what he could.

Issac didn't fill the void, not even a little bit, but he was happy guy who seemed to really like Josh and Josh was drawn to the positive emotions that Issac easily displayed. He was always happy to see Josh. He loved telling him stories of the co-workers at his work. When they were together he didn't shy away from Josh's body. He never asked or seemed to judges all the scars that littered his skin, both intentional and not and just seemed to revel in the pleasure Josh offered to him freely.

But most of all Issac understood why Josh couldn't tell anyone about them, and Issac enjoyed their secret affair. If Josh were honest with himself, Issac was the only good thing he's had in his life and was glad they had met on a cold blustery day 4 months ago.

"What are you doing here?" Josh asked breathlessly when Issac finally relented. The man just smiled down at Josh and gave a slight embarrassed shrug.

"I know you said you don't like to celebrate your birthday, but I couldn't really bare the thought of you spending it all alone."

"Issac…"

"So we're not celebrating your birthday technically, it's just two guys who happen to be together on a tuesday night together having a nice dinner of chicken alfredo and fresh garlic bread paired with some expensive wine, finished with some eclairs from that bakery a few blocks away and finally concluding the night with some sensuous bedroom activities."

Josh stared unblinking over Issacs shoulder, thoughts of the day starting to flood back into his mind. Feeling his body going numb again and his mind becoming clouded Josh closed his eyes

trying to push back the dangerous thoughts that had been running through his mind since he left the White House.

"It sounds like just what I need right now." He told Issac leaning in a kissed him, forcing everything in his mind back and just focusing on the feeling of Issac's lips upon his and how his hands roamed Josh's body. Suffice to say, dinner was left to congel on the table.

Hours later Josh laid in bed staring at the ceiling as Issac lay on the other side of the bed fast asleep. Issac had distracted his mind and satiated his body, but in the afterglow as his body cooled and Issac slept his mind began to trickle in with the thoughts of his situation.

He knew how serious the situation was. He knew it the second Carrick had handed him the envelope and asked him to give it to the president. Though politically it wouldn't have had any change in their legislations agenda as Carrick rarely voted as a Democrat as it is but the backlash from the Democrats in the house and the senate will regardless weaken the administration. It will give the Republicans the edge they need to push more of their agendas and amendments through, forcing the White House to comply.

Panic built within him and he sat up quickly, placing his feet upon the cold floor as his stomach began to turn. He felt like he was going to be sick. He caused all this. Everything he touches goes wrong. Josh turned his head slightly looking over his shoulder to the naked man still asleep in his bed. With a pained expression and water burning his eyes he couldn't stand it anymore and he quickly rushed to the bathroom, closing the door quickly before heaving into the toilet.

Josh stayed that way for several minutes until sure nothing else would come. Standing up from the floor he looked into the mirror above the sink, looking at his reflection in the dim light. He hated it. He hated looking at himself. All he saw was a disgusting scared carcass that was meant to be a human but turned out to be something else.

Unable to look at himself any further josh quickly rinsed out his mouth and stumbled out, ignoring the bedroom to head into the living room. He knew no sleep would come to him. It's been so long already, and though his body was exhausted he knew there was no sleep for him. No rest. He rarely ever felt what it was like to be rested. The few times he had were during the sporadic times when Sam and he would somehow end up in the same bed together. Despite the activity before eventually falling asleep Josh would always wake up feeling refreshed, as if the new day would cure everything that was wrong with him. That Sam could cure him.

But he didn't. Sam had left. Over the years of bedding Sam the horror of what he was doing, of who he was began to lessen and lessen and he had fallen hard for Sam. That's not exactly true, he had fallen in love with him the moment they met but the hope of being together and of possible happiness in Josh's future and spurred him. Sam left to run for Congress in California and then decided not to come back.

Shaking his head Josh tried to push those thoughts away. He hadn't thought about it in months. It came up now and again when he talked to Sam on the phone but for the most part it was too painful, and luckily Josh was good and hiding the pain away.

Josh dug in his backpack that he had dumped right inside the door, momentarily thinking of how it got there. Of how Issac had surprised him. For once he was glad he gave Issac a key. He pulled out his phone and some papers he had to go through, though he thought it was pointless at this time, and returned to the couch. Turning on his phone, his heart skipped a couple beats as he looked at the notifications. There were dozens from just about everyone he knew. Enemy and friend, but what Josh focused on the one on the top, the one that had a dot next to it signaling a message was waiting.

Pressing a few buttons Josh brought the phone to his ear and closed his eyes as he listened to Sam voice on his voicemail. How chipper he sounded. He broke when Sam left but even Josh couldn't deny the change of Sam back to his pre-White House days once he left.

Glancing at the time on his phone Josh did the timezone math. It would be 1 AM pacific time. It would be too late and Sam would probably be asleep but he pressed the call button anyways. His mind was going crazy and his life was being turned upside down and out and Josh needed to hear a kind voice who understood what he was going through.

"Hello?" A groggy voice answered on the other line. Josh knew it was Sam, he had heard it many times over the years. Terror filled his chest suddenly and he moved his mouth trying to get words to come out. To apologize for calling so late, for calling at all but that one word had stopped all functions in him. A long pause extended and Josh heard movement on the other end and a click that was probably a light switch. "Josh? Is that you?" Josh tried to speak. "Josh, please answer, I've been so worried for hours."

"I'm here." Josh whispered into the phone, wondering if it was loud enough to carry to Sam. He heard Sam sighed in relief.

"Josh, I...well first off happy birthday though I don't know how happy it was." Sam paused and Josh continued to sit in silence, feeling his body relax at Sam's tone. "I'm sorry about the Carrick thing."

Josh choked out a small laugh. "I think it's bigger than just a 'thing' Sam." He stated.

"I know, I...how are you doing?" Josh inhaled deeply turning over what answer he should give to his friend. The truth, a lie, or play it down.

"I don't know." He said honestly. "A bit numb, a little sick."

"So, normal than?" Sam stated causing Josh to smile a bit. He wished Sam was here with him, to hold him and tell him everything would be alright.

"Yeah, my default setting. One congressman away from being a bomb." Sam laughed at the other end and Josh's heart fluttered.

"What are you going to do Josh? The press is going to Crush you."

"It's not really the press I'm too worried about at the moment." He paused. "I'm going to hand in my resignation tomorrow."

"Don't do that Josh, you love this job, You are this job."

"Maybe it's time I be something else." Josh reasoned. "I was lying in bed this evening and all I could do was go over everything that I could do, everything about me that makes me a huge liability. If I resign, the White House could at least attempt salvage some part of themselves."

"What would you do if you left?" Sam asked softly. Josh couldn't answer that question. He knew the answer but he refused to say it out loud, especially the Sam. Josh knew that once he left the White House, resigning in shame, he would just disappear. And he didn't mean just go into hiding, he meant just let all the pain and anger that always burned just beneath the service out and let things fall where they fall.

"I don't know Sam." He said unblinkingly.

"You should come down here. I don't know a single person on this earth that needs some sun and relaxation more than you. You could stay with me and-"

"No, Sam." Josh sighed out closing his eyes as hard as he could. "You can't do that."

"Do what?" Sam asked sounding confused. Josh wondered if Sam even knew what he does to him.

"I can't come to California. I can't...look, I should go." Josh replied suddenly, he needed to get off the phone with Sam. The hurt was too much now.

"Ok. Give me a call tomorrow?" Sam asked him. He didn't know if he would be able to. If anything would be left of him to be able to call.

"Yeah, sure. It was...was...really good to hear your voice Sam. I needed it." And with that Josh hung up not waiting for any reply. He tossed the phone over to the other side of the couch and brought his hand up to his mouth trying to mask any noise that probably coming out of him.

Josh felt like he was splintering and he knew. He had felt himself breaking for weeks already. This Carrick thing was just the straw and Josh was well aware he was falling fast, and the landing would cause the end of him.

With that last though Josh buried his face into one of the pillows on the couch and let out a dreadful scream before the tears came and he crumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fellow West Wing Fanfic readers, I'm looking for a story that I cant find. Its Josh/Sam slash and the basic story plot is Josh needs a heart transplant he believes it cant happen so he leaves Sam suddenly and Sam finds him in New York. its a post admin story. If anyone knows of where it is or any clues please message me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU so much for the couple of reviews. I had posted the 2 chapters weeks ago on ff.net and got nothing. I was about to abandon the story. Never underestimate the power of your reviews. You push and encourage a writer to keep going, letting them know that they are creating something that someone is interested in. I've never abandoned a fic before and will continue to write. Have a great week everyone.

Chapter 3

“I swear if i have to talk to one more member of the Democratic party about the Carrick thing I’m going to go on a murder spree.” Toby stated as he took a large gulp of his beer. 

It had been almost two weeks since Carrick switched parties and the entire senior staff sans Josh had been dealing with the aftermath. Leo had benched Josh. He didn’t just scale back Josh’s legislative portfolio as they were told, he basically cut it completely. He was no longer staffing the president, he was no longer sitting in meetings. Josh seemed to not even be part of the senior staff at all.

“You think you have it bad? The press is going to literally eat me alive any day if I don’t start giving them the answers they so desperately want.” CJ remarked holding her glass out for Donna to pour more wine into it.

“This is killing our news cycles. “Toby said. “None of our agendas are being pushed through.”

“It’s not like there's much to report anyways Toby. None of our bills are even getting looked at.” CJ said. “The party leaders are refusing to work with us now.”

“Is it really that bad? Donna asked worried. She had watched from a distance as the rest of the senior staff ran around half mad in the past few weeks but she didn’t really pay attention or dive into it. She knew she could probably be a lot of help to them but her main focus right now was on Josh.

“Yes!” CJ exclaimed. “Everybody is waiting for an action, for Josh to come out from the shell we pushed him into and get back to work, or for Leo to fire him like the leaders want him too.”

“Which one would be the best option?” Donna asked, already knowing the answer to it but needing to hear it out loud regardless. 

CJ gave a loud sigh and pursed her lips. Donna could tell that she was trying to find a way to soften the blow to the answer but there was no way of doing it. “The best thing for this administration is for Josh to resign.”

Donna sat back on the couch and looked around the room at the beautiful murals that covered the walls. She was tired and weary and hadn’t stopped worrying since she found out. While the others had been dashing about trying to put out the fires that this situation has caused Donna had been doing what she could for Josh, which, if she were honest with herself, wasn’t going very well. 

It was easy for her to tell since that one Christmas a few years ago, that Josh was on a self destructive path. It was a penchant that Donna had picked up quickly soon after she had returned to the campaign after she had left to get back together with her boy friend. She couldn’t be sure then but watching Josh over the months of travel and events trying to get Bartlett into the white house, when failure came Josh did not shake it off like everyone else. 

It was most apparent to her when Josh had come back after his father's funeral. He had been quiet and withdrawn, two things she knew was something Josh Lyman never was. After a few weeks of that she was almost desperate for him to smile or to argue. To be anything but complacent. She had a plan ready to go where she would go to his hotel room, knock on his door and whatever happened would happen. Though she knew it was cliche she believed she had genuine feelings for this man and she had no problem giving in and working some tension out of him if it helped. 

However it didn’t work out that way at all. She had watched him all evening, waiting for him to go upstairs to his assigned hotel room. And just as she saw him stand up and head towards the elevator, she stopped in her tracks as Sam stood up with him, his left hand on his lower back, fingers seeming to dance a tune out as he followed Josh.

“He already tried to resign.” Donna said softly to the other two occupants. “ Leo wouldn’t accept it.”

“Good, he shouldn’t have to.” Toby stated firmly. “What has he been doing these past few weeks? I’ve barely seen him”

Donna sighed, feeling tired. She checked the clock on the wall above the door noting she should probably check on Josh soon, convince him to go home. “He’s been working on my ‘What Ashame’ folder.”

“Your what?”

“Its this folder I have of things we wanted to do and get passed into law or funding that we never had time for or was pushed aside for one reason or another.”

“While that is an excellent idea we actually have more important things to work on Donna.” CJ stressed seemingly annoyed.

“I know that” Donna snapped back. “Leo wont let him work on anything current and Josh needs something to do or he will go crazy.” ‘or worse she thought. 

A light tap on the door stopped any response that was coming from CJ and Donna was grateful. She could see the other woman gearing up and being as articulate as CJ was Donna wasn’t up to her level if it came to an argument. 

“Sorry, CJ someone from MSNBC is on the phone wanting to discuss and interview.” Carol said. 

CJ gave a loud put upon sigh and drained her glass of wine in one gulp, setting the glass down on the table harder than what was strictly necessary. With a tilt of her head and an eye roll she left the room followed by her assistant leaving Donna and Toby alone for a moment before he too stood up to leave. 

“You keep an eye on him.” He said quietly. “The consequences of our actions in relation to this could be worse than just losing a Carrick.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Josh sat at his desk staring down at the large file before him but seeing nothing. His eyes felt heavy and his head felt heavy and clogged. He knew what he needed was sleep but no sleep would ever come. He had tried for weeks and all he did was spend hours staring up at the ceiling above his bed or couch. 

The relationship he had been building with Issac had been falling to the wayside. It had stopped being about two people being together, possibly falling in love and turned into just sex. It was those nights when he could lose himself in Issac that he was able to get any sleep at all. His satiated body would relax and his mind would be blissfully empty allowing him to fall into a restless sleep at least for a couple hours. 

However it appeared Issac had caught on and Josh was still trying to determine if it was a good or bad thing. On one hand he needed the release and reprieve from himself. On the other, what kind of relationship could he really offer Issac. He was, or had been, a high ranking politician who advised the leader of the free world. Being with Issac would mean eventually he will have to come out of the proverbial closet whether by choice or forced he wasn’t sure. 

That was something that Josh couldn't do. Ever. He had struggled with himself his entire life over his being gay. It caused him great distress and pushed him into desperate and dangerous mind frames that have on more than one occasion driven him to points of no return, barely escaping death, or worse, the end of his career which he put everything he was in.

Issac didn’t understand that and had pushed him several times to come out. He wanted to have an open relationship with Josh, had said he was falling in love but for Josh it wasn’t an option and he had known that the relationship would fall apart. Besides, he didn't love Issac. He couldn't. There was only one person whom he could love, but like with Issac, he refused to act on anything. 

“What are you still doing here?” A voice asked startling Josh from his pondering. He looked up to see Leo standing at the door, looking unblinkingly at Josh. 

“I was uh...working on something.” His voice croaked as he looked at his watch noting the time. “I didn’t realize it was so late.”

Leo came further into the room and placed himself in the guest chair in front of Josh’s desk. “What are you working on?” 

“It's a legislative bill on funding for children with disabilities.”

“Josh, I told you-”

“I know, I haven’t done anything with it.” Josh said wearily. “I was just reading over the information and see if there's something we can do with it.”

Leo sighed heavily as he ran his hand down his face. Josh could see how exhausted he was. More than normal and the guilt in his gut twisted into tighter knots knowing he caused it.”

“I don’t want you working on any legislative related things Josh. We’re having a hard enough time right now getting what we already have passed in the house and senate without adding anything you’ve touched to it.”

“But i’ve touched those current bills and proposals Leo.” Josh murmured. “Most of what you have is what I put together.” 

“And there you see our problem.” Leo commented not unkindly. 

Josh lowered his head and stared down at the paper on his desk again, trying to breath and not let his emotions get away from him. Curling his hands into fists and covering his eyes with them he could feel the crescents of his nails digging into his palms. It stung but he kept his fists tightly together. 

“I’m sorry Leo.” he said softly, dropping his hands back down to the desk, ignoring the small bit of blood that fell upon the paper underneath them. 

“It’ a little late for that isn’t it Lyman?” Leo bit out. “I told you you were too hot going in but you insisted. I knew I shouldn’t have let you go in. That's on me. But what you did, how you handled it, that’s on you.”

Josh clinched his jaw tightly, knowing if he opened it his voice would crack and the tears that burned in his eyes could come falling down, and that was something he didn’t want Leo to witness. He was afraid Leo would see him as weak and fire him anyways, which, Josh thought, didn’t sound so bad at the moment. 

With that thought in mind he reached into his desk and took out the white envelope he had previous tried to give to Leo unsuccessfully and hoped he would accept it now. “Here.” He said simply placing the envelope on the other side of the desk near Leo. 

Leo stared at it for a few moments as Josh watched him contemplate it. “I’m not accepting this.” Leo finally said pushing the envelope back to Josh. 

Josh's heart sank. It was the best thing for the administration. But the time it took Leo to reject it told Josh that the option of firing him or Leo finally accepting his resignation was coming closer. At some point Leo will have no choice but to do one of the other. 

“You keep working on that thing.” Leo gave. “But don't do anything without running it through me first. You will need my approval first.” Leo stood up from the chair and headed for the door, stopping just outside the frame before turning back. “Things will get better.” He said with a weak smile before walking out.

Josh let the tension leave his body allowing his head to hit his desk harder than was strictly necessary. 

“He rejected your resignation again?” Donna’s voice said quietly startling Josh. Lifting his head he saw she had the envelope in her hands turning it over in her fingers. 

“Yes, but I think I'm breaking his resolve.” Josh joked tiredly reaching out to take the envelope back as Donna frowned further. 

“I wish you wouldn’t do that Josh. You’re valuable to the team”

“Don’t worry Donna. Once they accept it i’ll be sure you are taken care of.” He said. “They at least owe me that much.

“That’s not what I’m talking about Josh.” Donna said louder crossing her arms over her chest. “You shouldn’t resign. You did nothing wrong. You said so yourself that Carrick was already going to leave”

“That doesn't matter and you know it.” He replied, his tone even. 

“It should matter.” 

“Well it doesn’t. This is politics Donna. Life is not fair and it's doubly so for politics.” Josh closed his eyes and took a few breaths. He knew Donna was trying to get arise out of him but he couldn’t bring himself too. He felt even more exhausted now than he did before Leo came in, which he didn’t think was possible. “You should go home Donna.” 

“I’ll go when you go.” She answered stubbornly. A small smile on the side of his lips appeared for a second or two at her. 

“I’ll be going in a few minutes. I just need to tidy a few things up.”

Donna stared at him a minute or two in that way that always made him think she could read his true self. But he knew she couldn’t. He held a lot of secrets and though she has come close before revealing one or two she always was off a degree. 

Nodding her head finally she picked up a few files in the out box and left his office as quietly as she came in. Letting out a weary sigh Josh turned his chair to stare out the window, waiting for the sounds of her coat being put on and her shout of goodbye she did every night. 

As he waited he debated calling her back. He didn’t want to be alone. He wanted someone to talk to, someone to comfort him and tell him everything will be alright. 

Who he wanted was Sam. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam watched the evening news, one leg crossed over the other on the couch and his hand rubbing his forehead trying to stave off a migraine he could feel coming. He hadn’t been able to sleep much the past few weeks, his mind worried about his friend. He spoke to Donna every other day or so to get an update on Josh. He couldn’t be sure if she was playing down how he was doing or if he was actually taking it all in stride. 

Knowing Josh as he did it was probably the former. 

Josh was good at hiding things. Everyone, including himself have told Josh he has a lousy poker face, but Sam knew it was quite the opposite. Josh could hide anything. And he does. Even Sam didn’t know the extent of the secrets that lie within his best friend and it had caused him more worry than he’d ever admit. 

The first apprehension he had about Josh was during that night together when he was an intern. His body was on fire as he began to kiss Josh and trail his fingers down his body. Once he was finally in Josh’s bed it had felt like Josh’s mouth was everywhere all at once. He had never felt the need for one person so badly in his life and with that desperation to have Josh he quickly pulled off his clothes and Joshes. 

As he pulled the long sleeved shirt Josh always seemed to wear over his head, Sam had paused for a few beats at the lines that had littered Josh’s body. He had opened his mouth to ask only to find Josh’s tongue in it forcing Sam back to the task at hand. 

He never got a chance to ask about all the scars he found on Josh’s body. Giving into the pleasure that Josh was giving him, his mind dismissed them and he gave into the feeling of Josh. The next morning he had found Josh sitting at the end of his bed, clothes back on, hunched over with his hands clasped behind his head as he rocked back and forth. Sam had been scared and not sure what to do, so getting out of bed he came to kneel naked in front of Josh, his heart aching at the pain on his friends features. 

“I’m sorry.” Josh had choked out. Sam tried to comfort him but all Josh would say was ‘I’m sorry' over and over again until something snapped in himi and he stood up quickly almost knocking Sam over. Sam had watched him with a weary expression as Josh walked passed him towards the bathroom, stopping without turning around. “I think it's best you go. You have a lot to do today.” And he walked into the bathroom. 

“The White House is still saying that Joshua Lyman is a valued member of the senior staff and will not be terminated or forced to resign. Fellow Democrats around the U.S. Is still calling out for it, saying that it's time for a change from Lyman’s tactics-”

Sam turned off the TV, not wanting to hear anymore. Not wanting to hear his friends name pulled through more mud. Donna had told him that Josh had resigned but Leo refused to take it. He was glad of that. Josh needed the White House and though they refuse to see it at this point in time, the White House needed Josh as well. 

The sound of his cell ringing brought Sam out of his reverie, groaning internally believing it to be work again. 

“Sam Seaborn.” He answered. There was silence on the other end and he felt annoyance at first until realizing who it most likely be. “Josh? Is that you?” He asked. 

“Hi Sam.” Josh said finally, breathing his name like a sigh. 

“Its a bit late out there isn’t it?” He asked, knowing from experience there was no such thing. Josh gave a soft chuckle and Sam's heart sped up a bit at the sound. 

“Time is for those who aren’t running a country. Though I guess I should be taking advantage of it right now.” Josh said and Sam frowned. 

“You could. I can’t imagine anyone else on the planet who needs a week of just sleep more than you.”

“I wish I could sleep a week but I'd settle for a couple of hours.”

“Insomnia back?”

“Something like that.” The tone in Josh’s voice hit several cords in Sam. His friend was an upbeat guy who could make a joke out of anything. But all Sam could hear through the phone was exhaustion which usually meant a crash was coming and he wasn’t so sure it was a bad thing at the moment. 

Josh was one of those people who kept going and going until they literally couldn’t go anymore and crashed. It wasn’t something that really happened often but when it did he was gone. Sam had stayed behind when they were on the campaign trail during the two times Josh had crashed then. He did work remotely as it would only last a day or two and Josh always seemed more energized than before after one but there was something unnerving about watching someone who was always on the move lie perfectly still.

“How are you handling things?” Sam asked concerned

“Well Toby has taken up dealing with the house and senate right now with Will working on the speeches that are coming up and I think CJ is about to go postal in the pressroom which will of course make everything so much better. Leo is-”

“Josh, I didn’t ask how they were handling things I was asking how you were.” Sam interrupted. There was silence on the other end that stretched longer than was comfortable making Sam think that perhaps they were disconnected. “Josh?”

“It's fine Sam. Everything is fine.” Josh said softly.

Sam didn’t believe him, couldn’t believe him. All evidence and his knowledge of Josh pointed to the contrary. “I don’t quite believe you.” He risked saying. 

“That’s your problem Sam not mine. I tried to give Leo my resignation again.” 

“Did he take it?” 

“No, not yet. But I’m sure if I keep offering it eventually he’ll have to.” Sam gave a sigh of relief and prayed silently that it won't come to that and Leo wouldn’t ever accept it or that Josh will stop giving it to him.

“I think I should come back to DC Josh. It sounds like you need someone in your corner.” 

“I have Donna.” Josh protested half halfheartedly. Sam knew it was true and that Donna would continue to support Josh, but he didn’t believe she could support him in the way Josh needed right now. 

“Josh-”

“No, just stay in California Sam. I have enough on my plate right now.” He stated. “I can’t handle having you here as well right now.” 

Sam’s brow furrowed at that, not quite understanding what that meant. It gave him a queasy feeling that there’s other things going on at the White House than what is being present in the press or passed on from Donna. “Josh-”

“I have to go now Sam. Sorry to have bothered you, I just needed to hear a friendly voice. I’ll talk to you later.” 

With that Josh hung up and Sam was somewhat frozen with the phone still to his ear, not fully understanding what was going on or what just happened. As he lowered the cell to his lap he debated calling Donna, telling her under no circumstances let Josh be alone as he took the first plane out. But he couldn’t betray Josh like that. Josh kept his secrets and valued his privacy. 

What Sam had yet to figure out and knew he had to soon, was when it was time to breach those secrets and privacy in time to save his friend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone watch The Handmaids Tale. Woah S3E10 was brutal.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! I always try to post at least once a week.

Chapter 4

Donna watched Josh as he stared down at his desk, eyes half lidded and vacant with his head leaning in one of his hands. It had been almost 15 minutes she had come in to ask him if he wanted her to get something from the mess. She knew his answer would be a soft ‘no thankful’ as he would shake himself out of whatever daze he had fallen into. It had been the same thing for weeks and on some occasions Donna would relent but for the past few days she had been very adamant about getting him food and failing to get him to eat it. 

Everyone had noticed that Josh had begun to drop weight about a month ago. There frequent questions to her about Josh’s health. His peaked pallor and tired eyes had caused more than one conversation in the corners of the West Wing for staffers to gossip about. His temperament, absentmindedness, and his aggressiveness had caused the senior staff to believe that his PTSD was flaring up but they were all at a loss on how to help him. It was like Christmas where he smashed his hand through a window all over again. Only this time Donna had been determined to not let that happen. She had come up with a plan and was going to execute it after his birthday.

And then Carrick handed Josh his resignation to give to the president. 

It had been a complete 180 from that point. Suddenly all the heat that was driving Josh for the previous weeks had left him and in its place was a withdrawn melancholy replacement. Somehow this version of Josh, which she had seen briefly from time to time specifically around his recovery from Rosslyn, had always scared her more than the angry, stressed, cornered Josh. In this state she didn’t have to wonder and worry if Josh would hurt himself to deal with whatever his overly brilliant mind would be playing with him, she knew he would. And that scared her. 

Because the scars she knows that is hiding beneath his clothes tells her he would. 

It was something that had never been discussed. At least not with her. It was like an unspoken taboo subject among her white house friends. They all knew the scars were there. They had all seen them at one point or another before Rosslyn. They all knew from the way the lines were placed and the cleanliness of the burns that Josh was the one who had done them. Donna had almost asked his mother about them once when Josh had been resting on the couch after finally being released from the hospital, but the way the older woman would occasionally frown as she gently slid her fingers over the markings on her sons body that it wouldn’t be a great idea to bring them up. 

“Josh.” She said softly, almost startled at the sound of her own voice breaking the silence. When she received no response she said his name again a little louder. The only response she received was a small upward quirk of his brow telling her he was listening. “What do you want for lunch?” 

Josh’s eyes finally focused on her. It took him a few beats to come back from wherever he was but she waited patiently for his attention. The lack of any mental stimulation had taken a hard toll on Josh. He always needed to be doing something, strategizing something, just thinking something to focus on. She had learned that within a few days of working with him. Josh Lyman did not like his mind to be idle. 

“What do you want for lunch?” She tried again now that she had some of his attention. 

“I’m not hungry.” He murmured. 

“That’s not what I asked you Josh.” Donna replied, trying to keep the sternness that she normally needed for him at bay. It wouldn’t work this time “You need to eat.” 

“Bring me whatever Donna. I really don't care what I eat.” 

“Honestly I don't care what it is either Josh as long as you eat it. You’re looking-” She paused trying to come up with the words. He looked like a friend she had in high school who had bulimia right before she had to be hospitalized. She rarely saw her again after that. “You just need to eat Josh.” 

“Ok.” Josh said in that soft way that always belies any situation. He could be on a tirade about how the republicans are yet again screwing over the administration and without a blink say a soft ‘okay’ and the subject changes and his mood shifts. 

“I can bring you a burger, extra burnt.” She offered as Josh sat back in his chair, crossing his legs still somehow elegantly. “A pizza? All meat with extra meat? Or a philly cheesesteak. You can never resist a cheesesteak Josh.” 

Josh gave her a smile that didn’t reach even close to his eyes as he let out a chuckle. “I must be really bad off if you’re offering my favorite unhealthy foods.”

“Well you need the carbs Josh, and frankly I don't think the cholesterol will do harm as you probably don't have much at this point.” She tried to jest but it came out flat. She could see in his expression that Josh knew that she was worried, but Donna knew Josh was on a self destructive path right now and wouldn’t care.”

Josh finally shrugged, sitting up in his chair and reaching for the notepad he had been writing on earlier. “Just bring me whatever you’re having.” He said. “Salad, soup, whatever it is that blonde little rabbits eat.” She was too glad for the teasing to reply about the dig at her diet.”

“And you’ll eat it?” 

“Yes, I’ll eat whatever you bring me Donna.” He said exasperated. The moment of teasing gone. “Just...let me get back to this okay?” And with that he lowered his head once more and Donna knew she was dismissed.

Donna stayed the chair, watching Josh for a few more minutes before getting up and heading out the door. With her head down she went over all the places nearby.

“Hey you.” CJ greeted as Donna existed the office, heading to grab her purse and coat. “I was just coming to find you. Where are you going?” 

“I’m going to Tolano’s, you want something from there?” 

“Didn't you once say there was no just looking at the door could give you heartburn and kill your digestive system slowly?” Donna paused putting on her coat as she thought about that. 

“Yeah. I did.” She admitted feeling some of the determination she had just had left her. 

“What were you going to get?” 

Donna sighed and dropped her purse back on her desk. “I was going to get the extra extra large meat pizza with extra meat.” 

“Were you planning on feeding the whole West Wing?” CJ asked flabbergasted. 

“No I was just going to shove the whole thing down Josh’s throat.” Donna confessed. “He said he’d eat anything I put in front of him, I just thought if it was something he actually liked…” 

“Yeah, Donna, I know your heart is in the right place, but you’ve seen that boy. A twig can probably snap him right now.”

“So he can stand to put on a little weight, hence the crab-loaded pizza I was going to...Oh never mind.” With a frustrated sigh Donna collapsed into her chair, placing her head in her hands.

“I’m not saying he can’t gain cause like...he does, i’m just trying to say that perhaps spoon feeding him actual grease might be better for his digestive system than feeding him the pizza.” CJ said gently. She sat on the corner of Donna’s desk and gave her a few comforting pats. 

“I’m just like really worried CJ.” Raising her head Donna turned her head to look at the door she had just exited, feeling guilty about talking about Josh behind his back but needing to share her frustration and concern. A tear threatened to fall from her eyes and she swiped it away not allowing it to fall. 

“I know.” 

“I don’t know what to do for him. He’s fading away and quickly.”

CJ sat quietly as Donna looked up to the tall woman perched on her desk. The press secretary’s face and body were those of complete composure and detachment, but Donna could also see regret in CJ’s eyes. She had seen it in Toby’s eyes as well recently. Both of them claimed to be Josh’s friends but they both know that they have been failing to be a friend. 

Donna didn’t blame them. She knew Josh didn’t as well. Toby and CJ had been taking the brunt of the disaster, trying to clean it up, trying to salvage anything they could at this point. They had been mad as Josh at first, of course but as the days and weeks rolled by Donna knew it was more hustling doing double duty than actual anger at Josh. 

It wasn’t just Josh who was being punished for Carrick. 

Taking a deep breath Donna stood up again and grabbed her purse, pulling out her car keys. “I’ll go get him a sandwich from that shop on Oregon that he likes so much.” 

“Yeah, get him some of that chicken noodle soup he likes, I think it's available on Thursdays.   
“ Donna nodded at the suggestion and started to head towards the door. “Don’t forget some crackers. If all else fails he can eat those. The last thing we want is him purging anything, We don't want any ammunition to fuel the pool more.” 

Donna stopped in her tracks and paused for a few beats before slowly turning towards CJ once more. “What pool?”

~~~~~~~

CJ’s eyes widened in realization that Donna didn’t know about the pools on Josh that was going on. She didn’t even want to know about them but as press secretary she had to know what was going on in the White House at all times. “Donna-”

“What pools CJ.” She said angrily stepping closer. CJ looked around them for a moment before grabbing Donna’s arm and pulling her towards her office. There was no way they could discuss it in such a public area. Just because it was well known already didn’t mean she had to advertise it. And the fact that they were so close to the subject in questions office where he currently was made it further important to move the conversation. The last thing they need is give Josh any ideas. 

“CJ!” Donna said louder once the door was closed. 

“Donna, you know how things are around here.” CJ started out trying to pacify her. “There’s always pools for just about everything especially current events. You can’t have thought this latest thing with Josh would be exempt.” She watched as Donna paced back and forth a few times. 

“Okay. What pools are there about Josh?” Donna finally asked as she sank down onto CJ’s office couch despondently. 

“Well there’s the normal one of whether or not he’ll get fired or not.” CJ said calmly as if she were in a press briefing. She had already had her turn at being pissed about this. It was Donna’s turn. She only wished that she wasn’t the one that had to do it. She had discussed it with Toby at the time and they agreed that emotions were too high and to leave Donna out of it for now. They had to concentrate on cleanup leaving Josh in Donna’s care. Donna would not have taken it well.

“Okay, what else.” She said with a sigh.

“And there’s several about his mental health. You know like if he’s going to just go crazy or come in and gun everyone.” Donna gasped in horror sitting upright from the couch. “I know!” CJ said stopping anything Donna was going to say. 

“These are supposed to be our friends and co-workers. Whatever happened to White House loyalty?” Donna exclaimed. “This is a co-worker! This is their boss! How could they-” She stopped covered her mouth with her left hand. CJ didn’t say anything, letting her friend regain some composure. “What else.” 

CJ thought for a moment, deciding if she just tell Donna that knowing wouldn’t do anything. The pools would continue even if a complaint was launched at the highest level. Josh was very well known in Washington. There were people all the way from Congress and Senators down to some intern in an office that nobody knew about that wanted a piece of this action. She felt the same way Donna is now, the horror and disgust that so many people were making money off her friends well being. 

They sat there in silence for a few minutes, Donna trying to control her emotions while CJ watched, feeling helpless at what to do. For a moment CJ had wished she thought to call in Toby before having any discussion like this. He could hide his emotions as well as anyone but there was no denying he was just as pissed off at this as Donna was. 

“Never mind.” Donna sniffled, wiping away a few stray tears. “I have to go get something for Josh.” She stood up and headed towards the door. “I’m just going to the mess. Do you want anything?”

“No, thank you.” CJ said quietly. “But I do need you to do something.”

“What?” 

“Angela Blake is coming in late this afternoon. The budget meeting is in 2 days and she’s coming here to get up to speed. The republican’s refuse to negotiate with Josh.” 

“I know. She requested our files and notes and I’m to go with them and help her.” 

CJ groaned inwardly and slumped back in her chair, tossing the pen that she had been fiddling with on her desk. “Okay. I wanted you to keep an eye on him. Toby and I are planning to run interference as much as possible to keep Josh and Angela from bumping into each other.” 

“It’s fine CJ. Josh knows about her. I’m positive he’ll just stay in his office.” 

“Good. I’ll try to tell her subtly to avoid him if she could.” CJ nodded her head. “It's kind of sad we have to do this, isn't it? Keeping Josh locked in his office, no longer allowed to roam free.”

“It's not ‘kinda’ and we aren’t locking him in, he’s doing it himself and we’re supporting it.” With that Donna left before CJ could reply. “Oh and CJ,” Donna popped her head in. “If you could call Sam I'd appreciate it. He doesn’t believe me anymore on what's going on.”

Just the mention of Sam brought more sadness inside her. She missed her friend dearly. Sam was always the light in the little senior staff of darkness. He was idealistic and optimistic even in the worst of times. He would bring hope when there was none and continue non-stop till the issue was resolved. 

Just about everyone loved him. He was nice to everyone regardless of their position or in those rare times he was frustrated or angry. He could even deliver the most devastating news to anyone and somehow make you feel okay, like something will come along and fix it. 

And of course there was his looks. That dark hair, those bright blue eyes, the shape of his brow. He turned heads wherever he went, both men and women. Panties would drop and fly wherever he went. And what was most endearing was that he knew how he looked, he worked hard to look that great, but he didn’t flaunt it, he would shy from it either, it was just him and he acted like anyone else. And to Sam everyone around him was just as beautiful as he was, and he treated them as such.

She would also be amiss though if she didn’t mention the passionate side of Sam Seaborn. He stood by his convictions and would push hard at what he believed in. It was a electrifying sight to watch this nice perfect articulate man when he did that. When he would harden somewhat, school his face to neutral and push his way through, making sure he was heard. 

Or as Josh would call it, Sam’s ‘lawyer’ mode. It was really hot and CJ wished she could see him in a courtroom. 

When he left to California to run for office, his presence was missed immediately, especially once his substitute as Deputy Communications Director showed up. CJ shivered at the thought of Will. She hated that little weasel. She was pissed he had left them in a bind by leaving so quickly but she was also glad she didn’t have to deal with him everyday. 

It wasn’t until the election was over and Sam decided to not come back did his missing presence hit everyone. Before it was as if he was out on a meeting or assignment to another state to talk some house member into something. CJ had felt betrayed at his abandonment. The only person that she knew of who had spoken to him at that time was Donna who though angry at the rest of the staff for distancing themselves from their friend would give them updates on how he was doing. 

CJ and Toby were angry, Josh had been indifferent. Thinking on it now a year and a half later and after forgiving Sam perhaps Josh hadn’t been as detached as they thought. Thinking back, she could remember him looking sad, as if his heart was broken, as if someone died. It makes sense, CJ thought. Josh and Sam were the best of friends, and she couldn’t imagine being as close as they were and then having the other person just leave. 

Blinking her eyes hard a few times, CJ sat up from her reclined position and cleared her head. It was no time for reminiscing. There was more work than there were hours in the day and she didn’t have time to just sit there. 

Standing up she gathered some of the papers on her desk that she would need and was about to leave when she paused and looked down at the phone. Hearing Sam’s voice again, just for a few moments was enticing. It had been a month or so since the last time they spoke and she just wanted a few moments, just have him tell her that things will get better and not to worry so much. 

“Carol!” CJ shouted, sitting back down with a tired sigh. Carol came in quickly, her face grim, but CJ wanted a few minutes with Sam before diving into whatever cause that expression on her assistants face. “Can you get Sam on the line please.” 

Carol hesitated a moment. “Sure CJ, but I think you might want to see this first.” With that the assistant place a magazine upon the desk and stood by. 

CJ looked at it curiously before her eyes widened at the front page headline. She grabbed the magazine in a tight grip as she quickly scanned the words on the page. She couldn’t get a grasp on it, they weren’t penetrating brain for comprehension until she looked up at the headline again:

“Deputy Chief of Staff Has Gay Love Affair” 

Looking up at Carol, dropping her arms with the magazine in her grasp still on it, she tried to compose herself to give an order but she had no doubt that her assistant saw the raw fear in CJ’s eyes. “I need a meeting with Leo and Toby right now.” She said. “Tell them it can’t wait.”

“Okay”

“And Carol, get Donna too, but make sure Josh doesn’t know. We’re about to miss the hill and plow right into a mountain side.” 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...too much narrative or dialogue? And for those who asked the fic i was looking for is called "The Gift" by Sue C.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Josh’s heart pound in his chest as he follows Margaret down the hall to Leo’s office. He was picking at the turkey sandwich that Donna had left for him before she left him at a hurried state when Margaret showed up at his office door saying Leo wanted to see him immediately. Josh had looked up to meet her gaze, trying to gage why Leo would want to see him but he saw nothing. The redhead stood there slightly impatiently apparently waiting for him to follow. 

It was never a good sign when Margaret was to escort you. 

He went over everything he’s done since his birthday that would cause Leo to demand his presence but he couldn't think of anything. Josh had done what he was told and kept his head down and took the punishment, though it was more because he lacked the will to fight then for obedience. 

They stopped in the entry of Leo’s office where Margaret diligently guarded her bosses door and schedule. She knocked on the door twice before opening it and announcing Josh’s presence. He hesitated for a beat before entering the room, looking at anything other than his boss. Grim faces of the senior staff met him as he spied CJ, Toby, and for some unknown reason, Will. Though Will looked more annoyed than grim. 

What surprised him most was Donna’s presence. She sat in a chair near the back of the room, her face set into a sad expression and wouldn’t look at Josh. The beating in his chest stopped for a moment causing a twinge that nearly took his breath away. Out of everyone in the room, though her presence puzzled him, Josh always felt he would have Donna to support him. But her refusal to meet his eye told Josh he wouldn’t this time. 

Finally Josh looked up to his friend and mentor, his presence exuding authority and demanding respect. Josh had always been in awe of it, even as a young child. But right now, if he were honest with himself, he felt a little frightened. Unlike the others Leo’s expression was one of grimness or sadness, it was one of anger. Josh could almost see the fury coming off his boss like rain on hot pavement. Tendrils of smoke rising and dancing. 

The door behind him shut, Margarete leaving them, probably standing guard near the door. No words would come to Josh. If he were in his normal state of mind he would have given a quirk with a caustic remark but he was tired and beaten down already and he felt like he had nothing else to give but his attention such as it was. 

“Josh, I…” Leo bit out. “Why didn’t...how could you…” It was extremely rare that Leo didn’t know what to say, and the realizing of it caused the twinge in his chest to tighten further causing him to give a slight gasp for breath. 

CJ stood from her position and opened her mouth to say something only to be stopped by Leo raising his hand, not looking in her direction, his angry eyes staring directly at Josh. She gave a sigh and sat back down on the couch rebuffed. Appearing to be unable to state what he needs Leo just tossed down onto the edge of his desk nearest Josh a magazine, indicating Josh to pick it up. 

Nerves pulsing in his body Josh looked away, anywhere but Leo or what was on the desk, afraid of knowing what it contained. But by the look of Leo that could melt stone, Josh stepped forward, glancing once more at Donna, her head still down, he reached out and picked up the magazine. 

Bile rose to his throat causing Josh to gag. He was able to stop himself but he was instantly thankful he did not eat the food Donna brought him. Josh looked down in shock, his body starting to tremble as he read the headline. 

“Deputy Chief of Staff has Gay Affair”

And right below it was a full page image of Josh, arms tightly wrapped around the shoulders of a man, mouths linked together in a passionate kiss. ‘Issac’ His mind stated repeatedly. 

“It gets better, look inside.” Leo snarled and Josh hesitated afraid. He didn’t want to know, but he opened it anyways to the page that was dogeared for easy location. 

Immediately his body went numb as he fought the bile from coming up again. His legs felt shaky and was about to collapse when a gentle hand pushed him down into a nearby chair. Upon the pages that were open were more candids of Josh and Issac, and not just innocent ones like the cover. These were worse and Josh felt violated. He felt like every single pair of eyes that have seen the spread was gazing upon him that very minute. Unable to look anymore he dropped the magazine to the floor as if it were on fire and looked up to face the full rage of the man he held such respect for, willing to take whatever the man gave him as Josh knew he deserved it. 

“What the hell were you thinking?” The man said loudly, his fire filled eyes meeting Josh’s. “I want an answer Josh, what the hell were you thinking? You’re gay? You’re fucking gay?”

“Leo!” CJ shouted and Leo seemed to pause, taking a deep breath and turning his gaze away from Josh. Josh couldn’t move as he watched. He felt every vibration of every word Leo had spoke echo in his body. His heart felt like it was about to leap out of his chest, the remaining pain from the wounds that would never heal from his recovery growing exponentially. 

“I don't-I don’t care your gay Josh.” Leo said calmly for only a moment before raising again. “But you couldn’t tell us sooner? You couldn't let us know in advance so we could have some neat little statement to give? To make it a non-issue?

Josh gulped but remained silent, glued to the chair he had been lead into. 

“Don’t you have anything to say Josh?” Leo demanded furiously. “Do you understand what this could do to this administration? What it will do to the President? Did you look at it properly because there is no way to spin this. Tomorrow morning the whole country will buy the magazine and open it to see one of The Presidents supposed most trusted advisors on his knees with some guys cock shoved down his throat!” 

“That’s enough Leo.” Toby shouted as CJ stood up again.

“I’ll resign.” Josh managed to choke out so quietly it was barely heard.    
  


“Like hell you are.” Leo stated. “If you resign we’ll have every pro gay organization on our asses.”

“We need to craft a statement.” CJ piped in drawing Josh’s attention from the floor. He didn’t want to know what kind of statement that would be put together. Leo was right, there was no way to spin it. 

“Who is the other guy in the photos.” Leo demanded, ignoring CJ’s attempt at moving forward. 

Josh’s attention was brought back to Leo’s at the question. “Issac.” He stuttered out. 

“And how long has this little affair been going on with this ‘Issac’?” 

“About six months.” Josh answered. 

Toby gave a snort behind him. “At least you found a nice Jewish boy for mom. Though I’m not sure nice is the right word.” Toby said lightly, trying to lower the tension in the room. It didn’t work. Josh didn’t comment to Toby’s statement. He didn’t want to think about his mother's reaction when she finds out. He was scared too. 

“Okay, how about this.” CJ said still trying to change the direction of the conversation. “When asked the question we say “We don’t comment on the personal lives of staffers, that being said President Bartlett has always been open about his support of the gay community.”

“The White House denounce the publication and its clear violation of the right to privacy that was brought upon Josh Lyman. With that in mind the White House will make no further comments in regard to the subject.” Toby picked up, finishing the state. 

Josh was actually impressed with the way the message was crafted, though he knew it was useless. It was obvious the others felt it as well, but it was the best they would be able to do. It wasn’t an apology, and it wasn’t really showing any support. He didn’t expect it. He was pretty sure his co-workers thought him disgusting. A sinner participating in sodomy and should be condemned. His skin felt grimy and stained and all he wanted right then was to go home and take a scalding shower and scrub his body until it was red, raw, and painful. Though he knew that would nothing to alleviate anything. 

********

He was in Leo’s office for over an hour with the others, going over options and scenarios. Trying to find a way to control the story. Josh didn’t participate, he didn’t even know what was really going on anymore. He had sat there with his eyes glazed off into the distance as his mind disconnected from everything around him. It had been blissful, Josh thought as he slowly made his way back to his office. During that time he had felt no pain, no emotions, he heard nothing and saw nothing. It was like he wasn’t even there, it was enticing and Josh wondered how to get back to that blank space. 

As he reached his office, Josh paused in the doorway. He felt trapped. Leo had told him in no uncertain terms that he was to stay in his office. He wasn’t to leave it until he was excused and he was not allowed to talk to anyone outside the senior staff and Donna. At this point, Josh wished his resignation would be accepted. Then he could disappear to an unknown place and let himself fade from existence without the angry words and gazes that seemed to dominate his life now. 

Tiredly he entered the office and walked around his desk. Glancing at the papers littering it he wondered idly if Leo would demand he stop any and all projects. They were the only thing that was keeping the little sliver of sanity Josh had together. It kept his mind busy for whatever blissful amount of time he was able to work on it. 

‘It doesn’t matter anymore’ His mind told him. Sitting heavily into the chair, he agreed with the statement. ‘What am I to do now?’ He though, unable to really focus his vision. ‘Call Issac.’

Josh didn’t want to. He didn’t want the conversation but some kind of closure needed to be done. He didn’t love Issac, he wasn’t sure he was capable of love, but he did care about him. He trusted him and had let his guard down leaving him both physically and metaphorically naked. There was no doubt in Josh’s mind that Issac had been unhappy with the relationship the past few weeks, but he didn’t think the man would have done this. And he knew it was Issac who took the photos with a hidden camera. They were too candid to be otherwise. 

Picking up the phone Josh dialed the phone number and waited. It rang enough times that Josh believed Issac wouldn’t answer and was debating if he should leave a message once the machine picked up. 

“Hi Josh.” A tired and resigned voice answered. 

Josh transferred the phone to his right hand as he lowered his head to balance with the left, trying to hide somehow. “Why?” he whispered into the phone. 

“Josh…”

“Why Issac? Why did you do it?” Josh needed to know. He needed to know what was the turning point that took them from lovers to this betrayal. 

“I don’t know Josh.” Issac signed as Josh closed his eyes tightly shut, trying to control his breathing. 

“There has to be a reason Issac.” He said. “There has to be a reason why you did this instead of just breaking up with me.”

“The money was too good.” Issac confessed. Tears stung Josh’s eyes and he let out a few little sniffles. He refused to cry though. He did all this to himself. 

“I could have given you money.” There was silence between the two for a few minutes and for a moment there Josh thought Issac had hung up on him. 

“Josh, look...It was obvious that the relationship was over, if there was ever one to begin with. I wasn’t originally intending this but someone from Enquirer stumbled upon your secret and approached me with an offer that I would have been the biggest mistake of my life if I passed on it.” 

“So you planted camera’s and invited me over.” Josh stated, thinking on that night. 

It has been about a week since he’d seen Issac. They had spent little time together other then for sex since Josh’s birthday. Issac and practically pleaded with Josh to come over, have some dinner with him and relax like they used to. It was too enticing for Josh to pass up. He was desperate to be wanted, to have nice things said and no tension that was choking him. It had been a peaceful dinner and sometime halfway through a movie that was on TV their kissing had become more slow and steady and hard and Josh had climbed up on top of Issac on the sofa and began kissing his way down the man's body before ending up on the floor and Issac's pants pulled down. 

He felt disgusting.

“For what it's worth Josh, i’m...I'm sorry.” 

“Oh good it's all fixed now.” Josh said derisively. 

“You need help Josh.” Issac said before Josh could say anything else. “I don't know really what is wrong with you but you need to get some help before you get to a point where you can't turn back” 

Tears finally escaped from his eyes at the words from the other man. He gave a wet sardonic chuckle as he wiped away the moisture on his cheek. “Well luckily for you my mental health is not your problem.” And with that he hung up without hearing a reply. 

He sat there in silence, his body trembling as he tried to control his breathing. One less person he had to deal with. It was a good thing. 

“Josh?” a soft voice startled him and he looked up to see Donna standing in the doorway, finally looking at him. However now that he saw the look in her eye, he wanted her to go back to avoiding eye contact. 

“We’re done for the day, you can go home.” He said softly sitting up in his chair. He reached out to the various papers on his desk and began stacking them just to have something to do while Donna scrutinized him. 

“I’ll go when you go.” She said. 

“I’m going in a few.” He replied. 

“I’m going to come with you.” Josh looked up then “I don’t want you to be alone.” 

Josh lowered his eyes back to the desk, unable to look at her any longer. The sympathy she felt for him was oozing off her and it seemed so thick that he could hardly breath. “I’m already alone.” He whispered. 

“I can’t let you go home alone Josh. It’s not an option.” 

“It's not an option for you to come with me Donna. The last thing we need to add to this disaster is rumors of me having an affair with my assistant. 

He heard Donna let out a breath and could almost feel the vibrations of her minds coils working for a solution. She would find none. 

“At least promise me you wont do something stupid.” she said. “That you’ll call me.” 

Josh bobbed his head slightly for a moment as a chuckle escaped, and before he knew it laughter was coming out. Her request was simple and for most people small but it just seemed so ludicrous for it to be said to him after everything. The uncontrollable laughter felt good. His lungs felt lighter and his chest hurt but in a good way. He leaned back in his chair and rested his head, crossing one leg over the other in a casual manner that had once been him. 

“It’s a little late to ask that isn’t it?” He asked with a smile. “At this point I can think of nothing worse than images of me giving a blowjob to my now former boyfriend being made public.

“I can.” Donna replied breathily. The two of them were silent, each scrutinizing the other 

Josh couldn’t make the promise she wanted from him. He knew what she mean by being stupid and he wished he could give her the peace of mind that all will be alright. But he couldn’t, and he wouldn’t because making that promise to Donna and not being able to keep it would hurt her. 

‘It would also free her.’ He thought, being the first to lower his eyes. Feeling his body sag as if an elephant was sitting on top of him, Josh used what remaining strength he might have to push himself out of his chair. The exertion to do such a simple task was enormous on him and he had to take a moment to steady himself before reaching for his coat and scarf. 

“Josh. Please.” Donna begged him, placing her small hand on his arm. He stared at it for a moment before looking up to meet her. 

“I can’t promise you that.” He sighed. “But I can promise you I'll see you tomorrow.” 

“Josh-”

“That’s all I can do Donna. I’m sorry.” And with that he walked away from her, exiting his office and heading towards towards the exit. He could feel Donna's eyes on him again as he left but he refused to turn around. He didn’t want to see her worried expression. 

The second he left the building Josh was hit with a hard gust of wind that went directly to the core of his body and taking what breath he’d managed away. It was hard to believe that it was almost December. It seemed like time crawled almost to a stop prolonging everything. But one thing was certain, 

He wasn’t sure he’d survive another birthday. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all who reviewed! I love reading them.

Chapter 6

_“Deputy Chief of Staff has Gay Affair”_

_Exclusive! The man who’s been having an affair with the White House Deputy Chief of Staff speaks out about torrid relationship he’s had with Joshua Lyman. “I wasn’t searching for a relationship.” The anonymous man dubbed “Adam” informed us. “But there was something about him. Something in his eyes.”_

_What started off as a simple meeting of strangers quickly became something more. “I invited him over for pizza and a Mets game. Half way through it I got the nerve to tell him that I was attracted to him.” Immediately the two became lovers but not all was well in the relationship. “He didn’t want it to be public.” Adam stated sadly. “He wanted it to be a secret. He was afraid of it getting out and he made me promise not to tell anyone. I didn’t mind at first, he was surprisingly very sweet and attentive”_

_However things changed for the couple and Adam decided he would be better getting out. The fallout of the Senator Carrick’s resignation due to Lyman’s tactics put a strain on the relationship causing Adam to rethink being with the man.” “He was distracted all the time, severely depressed. Any time we did spend together was just for him to get some sort of release and I couldn’t take it anymore.”_

Sam crushed the magazine with his hands, wrinkling it severely before tearing it apart. He could feel his breath ragged as anger coursed through his veins. Sam was not a violent man at all, he preferred to use words than fists at that moment he wanted nothing more than to smash ‘Adams’ face repeatedly into a brick wall. 

Moisture started to cloud his vision and with a sniffle he tried to calm himself down. Crying wouldn’t do much good, though that was all he had wanted to do in the past few weeks. Cry for Josh. Gently Sam placed the magazine pages on his desk, smoothing out the wrinkles in the paper. His heart sank at the imagines that crossed the spread. One of Josh on his knees in front of the man, one of Josh on top of him, back arched and eyes closed, another with Josh on his back, legs spread and wrapped around the man, left hand above his head pushing on the head board. 

There were others but Sam couldn’t bring himself to look anymore and tossed the remaining pieces in the recycle bin. Placing his elbows on his desk and his fingers tightly gripping in hair, Sam took deep breaths. He wasn’t really sure what exactly he was upset about. Was it the images and knowledge that Josh had been with another man? Or was it because his best friend who was already going through a bad time was just humiliated to the entire country. 

Josh was a private man. You wouldn’t know if unless you know him. On the outside he was an extrovert to the most extreme, arrogant beyond reason and an ego to big for his office. He could shake the toughest congressman or senator to their core till they gave Josh what he wanted. People thought they knew Joshua Lyman. They thought they could read him like a children's book. Saying his poker face was as weak as as a blade of grass and the correct word could get him to bend. 

Sam knew otherwise, and to a point he knew Donna knew as well. Out of everyone in the world Sam was sure he and Donna knew the most about him other than Leo most likely. Leo had known Josh since he was born. He had watched Josh grow into the man he is but Sam didn’t think Leo knew half as much about Josh as Leo thought he did. He knew Josh from an adults point of view, like a parent or a teacher. Someone had watched everything but didn’t know the nuances. 

Sam knew the inside of Josh. The things the man refused to say aloud. The things that Josh was too afraid to say aloud. Things like the truth that Josh wasn’t as straight as everyone had thought he was until today. Things like the sheer fear that bordered on excessive proportions of that information getting out. Sam didn’t always agree with Josh about it, and he frequently felt that his friend was over reacting to the whole thought, but now Sam felt nothing but anger at that man for doing this. For violating his friends trust. For sharing such intimate details with the world. 

For telling the world Josh’s deepest darkest secret. 

Sam stood up then, his muscles tight and unable to sit still. He paced in front of his desk telling himself to breath, to calm down. That he wouldn’t be any help to Josh if he couldn’t think straight. That feeling of needing to be there in Washington hadn’t left him since Josh’s birthday but now it was flaring up to a degree that it was almost impossible for him to stay there. 

Donna told him to stay away. That it wouldn’t help Josh. Sam considered Donna a close friend and knew she had always had Josh’s best interest first in her heart. She too had seen the damaged man behind the facade of the master politician Josh put on and she always tries to nurture him, to understand him, to let him be damaged while keeping him straight. 

Okay wrong choice of words. 

However lately he wasn’t so sure she was right. She continually advised him that while Josh was hurting he was actually alright. That he was working, that he was being himself but Sam always knew she was lying. He just didn’t know to what degree she was. But he trusted her to tell him when it was too much and time for him to step in. 

With a sharp turn Sam returned to his desk and sat down behind it picking up his cell phone. He stared at it for a moment before dialing Donna’s phone number and putting the device to his ear. The phone rang several times, 7 to be exact before the voicemail picked up. 

Cursing he disconnected it and stared at the TV set that was in the corner where it was always tuned to CNN. They were replaying the morning White House briefing, with CJ answering questions about the article. He could tell by the tight crinkles in her eyes that she was distressed but she was a professional and hid it well. Without a second thought, he picked up the phone again and dialed CJ’s number, luckily she answered on the 3rd ring. 

“Oh Sam my love, speak sweet things to me.” CJ’s voice said through the phone. The left corner of Sam’s mouth curved in a small smile as CJ answered. She was always uplifting even in dire of circumstances. 

“How’s Josh?” He asked getting right to the point. 

“How’s California? I don’t suppose you want to come back here.”

“Not bloody likely. I just want to know how Josh is doing. I can’t get a hold of Donna.” 

“That’s because she’s currently in the budget negotiations with Angela Blake.” CJ said irked inflection to her voice. 

“What is she doing in there?” Sam asked stunned. It was way below Donna’s pay grade and not something she would typically do. 

“Since Angela Blake took over the woman asked for all documents that Donna and Josh had been working on.” 

“Oh.” 

“And Leo said Donna had to go with said documents and was asked to assist Angela Blake in any way she could.” 

Sam didn’t like the sound of that. Basically Leo asked Donna to be this person’s assistant. However, she was already somebody's assistant. “If she’s with this Blake woman who’s watching Josh?”

“Angela Blake.” 

“What?” Sam asked confused. 

“Its an unspoken snide we’re all participating in.” CJ said as if it made sense. “Leo asked her here, but nobody wants her.”

“Okay...again I ask who is watching Josh?” 

CJ sighed loudly, exasperated. He heard a door shut in the background and the noise dulled indicating she was probably in her office. “Sam, he’s a big boy he can watch himself.” 

Sam was silent, not sure what to say. He wanted to tell her that yes, Josh was a big boy but right now he can’t watch himself. He wanted to tell her that even though he wasn’t there to see it, he knew that Josh was anything but fine and shouldn’t be left to his own devices. But he didn’t, and he didn’t know why. Perhaps it was that unspoken rule amongst the senior staff to not discuss the strange mood swings and weight fluctuations Josh had always gone through. And especially not to discuss the marks that he tried so hard to keep hidden, but everyone knew about. 

“CJ-”

“I don’t want to talk about Josh. Tell me what you’ve been up to lately. We never talk.”

Sam took a deep breath and held it for a moment or two before letting it out slowly. “I think I'm going to try Donna again.” He said simply and he heard a growl of frustration from CJ. 

“Seriously Spanky, don’t you have your own life to life? You can’t spend all your time worrying about Josh Lyman.” She stated exasperated. “He’s in deep shit and it keeps coming and nothing you or I can help him right now. He needs to get out on his own.” 

Sam froze, not sure what to say. He heard CJ sigh on the other end and see her sitting in her chair pinching the bridge of her nose. CJ was a truthful person by nature but she wasn’t blase when it came to her friends. Sam was stunned at her comment but he did understand how stressful the whole situation has been. He knew that Leo probably assigned a lot of Josh’s duties to Toby and CJ. 

“I’m sorry Sam, I don’t mean it.” She apologized. “I don’t have anything to report on Josh. I haven’t even seen him since yesterday. But I can check in on him if you want” 

‘I shouldn’t have to ask’ Sam thought. “You should be concerned for your friend.’ 

“No, its okay. I’ll get a hold of Donna later.” Sam stated, doubting CJ would do as she said and that Donna would tell him anything. 

“Sorry Spanky. Get some rest, you sound tired.”

“You sound worse. Good Luck.” 

With that Sam disconnected the phone. ‘What the hell is going on over there?’ He asked himself. Things were falling apart and fast at the White House. You didn’t need to be there to know, it was obvious from the outside, and for perhaps the first time Sam regretted leaving the White House. 

*****

Toby grabbed his messages from Bonnie as he rushed by her desk and headed for his office. He had just lost another 3 votes for the 403 education bill and he was angry with himself. It should have been easy to get Silverstein and his two other votes but Toby had screwed it up. The Senator had made some comment on the mess of the administration was turning into and Toby snapped. It wasn’t an unusual thing for Toby to do however he normally had better control, but he was so tired, so overworked, his mind on so many things that any control he normally had was out the window. 

He sat down heavily in his chair, leaning his elbows on the desk in front of him and running a hand through the little hair he had. Things were going down the tube so quickly that he couldn’t see an end to it. He wanted to blame Josh, but he knew it wasn’t the deputies fault. Things weren’t going right for a long while before that. Carrick leaving was just the straw not the cause. 

“Toby, Sam is on line 2 for you.” Bonnie stated, sticking her head in. 

“Sam?” 

“Seaborn? You know, former Deputy Communications Director.” 

Toby gave a weary sigh and he thought about rejecting the call, but he decided he could use someone else to yell at. “Please close the door Bonnie.” He said as he reached out to pick up the phone. 

“Unless you’re calling to beg for your job back I don’t want to talk to you.” Toby growled out as way of greeting. 

“See, I knew you’d miss me.” Sam replied with a laugh to his tone. 

“I don’t miss you so much as we’re short people and we could use someone else Congress can bully for a while so we can gather our wits about us.” 

“Things going badly then?” 

“I can’t even express how badly things are going. The Democratic Party wants to Josh’s head on a stick to place on the capitol building, the republicans are taking every opportunity to exploit our weaknesses, and the budget committee is starting again today and we may have to sell the white house to come up with the funds for our half the budget.” Toby snarled. “The only good thing going right now is I don't have to see that wheezle Will that you sent to us. What the hell were you thinking Sam?”

“So things are going well I hear.” Sam jested. Giving another growl Toby fell back in his chair, unable to hide the small smile from Sam’s comment. “I’ve been talking to Donna, probably every few days. She’s been keeping me apprised.”

“Of the current happenings around the white house or of Josh?” Toby asked. Sam was silent on the other end letting him know he hit the right answer. “What has she been telling you?”

“She uh...says things are as well as to be expected. He’s stressed and depressed but good.”

“And you believed her?”

“I did.” Sam answered after a pause. “But with this new thing...I haven’t even been able to get a hold of her yet.”

“That’s because she’s in the budget meetings with Angela Blake.” 

“Wait she’s actually IN the meetings?” Same questioned. “What is she doing in there? Even Josh wouldn’t allow her in” 

“That’s because Josh could have handled these republican putz’s without breaking a sweat.” Toby declared. “But this Angela Blake woman doesn’t know what she’s doing and Leo wont send Josh in, so Donna’s his best option.”

“Toby…” 

“Yeah?” he exhaled. 

“How is he?” 

Toby closed his eyes for a few minutes thinking. Did he really want to get into this? He knew Sam’s asking was more than just a friend being concerned. The magazine article hadn’t shocked Toby, he already knew about Josh. Though Josh obviously didn’t know Toby knew. It was a regret that had been eating at him since yesterday that if he had over the years given at least a small hint to Josh that he had known then maybe Josh would have felt more support at the meeting. 

Toby was still pissed about the way the current situation had been handled. He didn’t agree with Leo holding a meeting behind Josh’s back and then calling him. Humiliating him. Leo had stated, or stammered out as the case had been, that he didn’t care about Josh being gay. But Toby felt otherwise. He believed that Josh’s sexual preference bothered Leo completely. 

“He’s holding in there.” 

“Toby-”

“Really, he is Sam.” Toby insisted. “He’s keeping himself together the best he can.” 

“But is it enough?” 

‘No.’ Toby thought. 

Toby, please, I need to kn-”

“I know you’re in love with him Sam.” Toby blurted out. 

“How…” 

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I know, and honestly, I’m kind of relieved that there is someone who cares about him.” Toby said. “Leo refuses to see it but we’ve already lost our Deputy Chief of Staff. To be honest I think we lost him months before any of this started.” 

“I’m coming to Washington.” 

“Do you think that’s wise?” Toby questioned. “You’re going to what? Sweep in on your white steed and slay the evil that is plaguing Josh?”

“Somebody has to.” 

“I agree, but it can’t be you and it can’t be now. No matter what Josh will do whatever he can to help this administration. He still respects the office of the President. You coming in to rescue him, especially right after that magazine came out will draw too much attention leading the press to speculate on two gay white house staffers. And that’s not even covering when they figured out you love him.” 

“Toby you know as well as I do that is not an option.” Sam argued. “There is too much evidence showing that Josh does not have any restraint when it comes to self-destruction.”

Toby sighed dismayed. He knew Josh needed help, and he needed it now. “Look, at least wait until we have the budget done. It should only be a few more days, a week at most. We’re weak right now and you showing up makes us weaker. They’ll believe we brought in outside help or that you’re replacing him.” 

Silence descended the conversation and for a few moments Toby believe he had been hung up on if not for the steady breaths coming through the line. “Just-Just get him to call me.” He finally said sounding defeated. 

“I will.” 

“I haven’t spoken to him in 3 days. He’s refusing my calls.” 

“I'll talk to him. I’ll dial your number and glue the phone to his ear if need be.”

“I don’t think you’ll need to go that far. But Toby…”

“Yes?” 

“I’m holding you and the rest of the West Wing responsible for Josh.” 

Toby froze, the sudden change of tone in Sam’s voice causing the hair on his arms to raise. “I hope you do.”

“I will.” Sam promised. “I wasn’t blind when I was there. I know the rest of you saw me as just a speechwriter. A good one at that, but I also know that i was thought of as the weakest link.” 

“Look Sam-”

“And that's where you went wrong. You forgot that I was a lawyer, and I'm a damn good one. We may be friends but I will press charges and sue the crap out of each one of you until you have nothing left.” There was a pause and Toby tried to think of what to say but nothing came to mind. “Just remember that.” 

And with that Sam disconnected the call leaving Toby sitting there stunned. He had never heard that voice coming from Sam. That low rumbling sound that was almost a growl. The commanding unwavering inflections as he declared his intent. It was at that moment that Toby realized that they had all underestimated Sam and that they could possibly be in even more trouble than they are now. This would cause a vast scandal that would collapse the Bartlet Administration. 

“FUCK!” Toby yelled loudly, finally tossing the phone down. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go. Be prepared. Next chapter I'm going to rip poor Josh to shreds. Gah, I love drama and angst!!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

_ ‘Do it.’ _ a faint voice whispered inside him. It had chanted the two words over and over preventing other thoughts to fully pass through. He had no voice rejecting the idea. Nothing telling him the reasons why he shouldn't, the reasons why he should fight to live.

He had come so close in the past, ending his life, leaving all the pain that eternally plagued him. Horrendous events had tormented his entire existence, starting at an age so young he sometimes wondered if what he remembered had happened. He had blocked out or pushed back events and people that had hurt him and forced himself to continue on. And it worked, look where he is now. 

But all of that was about to be lost. He knew it and somehow it didn’t worry him as much as he always thought it would. He threw himself at his studies and then his career and it was his entire life. But now, in the twilight of its end he couldn’t care less. He just wanted it over. He didn’t have the strength to pick himself up again, and the voice in his head was becoming louder and louder and it no longer scare him as it once did. 

“If there was something after ‘death warmed over.’ I’m pretty sure you’d be it.” A voice said. A small smile graced his dry lips. 

_ ‘Do it.’ _ The voice responded inside of him and the smile fell. 

“Why are you here?” A voice asked. Josh thought for a moment, but no answer would come. 

“I don’t know.” He replied.

“What are you doing?”

_‘Do it._ ’ “I’m not sure.”

“Josh?” The voice asked. 

‘Yes, that’s my name.’ He thought. “I have a name.” 

“I know. I just said it.” The voice said sounding concerned. 

Josh’s brows furrowed at the change of tone, searching inside himself for where it would have come from. It was different from the other voices that he had been hearing lately. This voice had concern while the others had been harsh and cruel and at times he had felt as if his mind would explode with all the noise. But slowly the voices had descended, leaving him and allowing one particular sound getting louder, overpowering everything else until it was the only one heard. 

And in a calm voice with no emotion it would repeat the same two words:  _ ‘Do It’ _

“Josh? Look at me.” The voice persisted, its volume increasing.

Josh brought his eyes up, and it was as if someone turned on a light in the darkness. The black emptiness had changed to bright light that burned his eyes and a cluttered room. In front of him sat a man with orange hair and what would be an easy smile if currently wasn’t frowning. 

“Danny…” He said, voice hoarse from being unused. “I’m sorry, what were we talking about?” 

Danny's brows narrowed as he gazed at Josh. It should have made him nervous but somehow it didn’t. He didn’t care. “We weren’t talking about anything in particular, or at all.” He said. “I was just looking for CJ when I saw you sitting here.” 

CJ? When was the last time he saw CJ? Josh thought about it, trying to piece together memories in a linear form so he could have a timeline. But he couldn’t remember when he had seen the Press Secretary last, and he felt the failure in his chest that he couldn’t help the red haired journalist.

“Josh? Josh!” Danny said again, but this time louder. Josh met his eyes, staring at him, afraid that if he blinked he would be gone. “How long have you been here?” 

How long had it been, Josh thought. “I don’t know...what time is it?” He brought up his arm, ignoring the pain in his joints as he looked down at his wrist. There was no watch there. It alarmed him for a moment until remembering that he no longer could wear the watch. His wrist was too thin and wouldn’t stay on and the weight of the watch made it difficult to move his hand. He stared at the wrist that was brought up, seeing the pale skin and a single angry red curved line starting from the middle of his hand down his wrist. He remembered it had hurt when he sliced into the bone and how much it had bled. 

“It's about 3:30. Have you eaten today? How about we go down to the mess and grab something.” Danny suggested.

Josh dropped his wrist back into his lap, the fingers on his right hand gripping tightly to the left as in comfort for having left its spot. Light reflected from the sun to the monitor of his computer catching the corner of his eye and he turned slightly to look at the window. Bright sunlight shone through, lighting everything in its path. A few beams fell upon Josh’s face, causing him to squint his eyes, but no warmth would touch his skin. He felt a shudder pass through him as the coolness of the air conditioner chilled him. ‘When was I last warm?’ He asked himself. 

“Really Josh, you’re starting to really freak me out here.” Danny drew his attention back. Josh blinked at him a few times in wonder. 

“What day is it?” he whispered.

“What?” Danny asked.

Josh cleared his throat, wincing at the sting of the act. “What day is it?” 

“It’s Thursday.” 

“What happened to Wednesday?” He asked confused. 

“Well the earth rotated a day and now its Thursday.”

Wednesday was over. What did he do the whole day? He know he didn’t work on anything, Leo took everything and anything away that Josh could have worked on. What happened Tuesday? He remembered coming in and seeing the relief on Donna’s face. He didn’t understand why until he remembered the previous night’s conversation. Other than that he just remembered putting his stuff down, sitting in his office chair, crossing one leg over the other and dropping his hands to his lap. Had he really just sat in the same position for 2 days, barely moving? 

“I think I'm going to find Donna.” Danny said anxiously. “Or CJ.” 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Josh jumped at the tone and turned his attention to the door where Leo was entering. His face was enraged and turning slightly red. Josh could feel the anger radiating off the man as he tried to calm his heart from the sudden bellow of his boss... “Answer me Josh.” He warned. 

Josh opened and closed his mouth a few times but no sound came out. He had no defense for himself other than citing that he had no idea what was going on either. But something told him Leo wouldn’t take that answer too lightly if at all. 

“God Dammit Josh! What is wrong with you? A reporter? Seriously you’re talking to a reporter? As if we don’t have enough of your messes to clean up.” 

“Leo, he didn’t say anything. I was just stopping by. Nothing was on the record.” Danny defended, standing up from the chair he was in. 

“It better not be Concanon. Trust me there will be hell to pay.” Leo growled. “Now get out of here!” 

Danny gave Josh one last concerned look, almost seeming as if he may disregard Leo’s order. But the reporter relented and left. ‘Like everyone else.’ He thought. 

With Danny gone Leo turned his full attention to Josh. He couldn’t stand to see the disappointment and anger in his mentor’s eyes. He didn’t even realize he had gotten to a point in his life where he didn’t even have to do anything to cause trouble. _‘Do it.’_

“Don't you think you’ve caused enough trouble Josh? This administration is falling apart and a lot of it is because of you.” Leo stated in a calm voice that cause fear inside of Josh. “I should have pulled you out months ago when you lost that bill. The president is still pissed about that you know.” 

Josh said nothing as he continued to sit there, staring at his boss as the man continued. He could barely comprehend what he was saying but each word seemed to be etching into his brain. Each one stung as he fought to control his breathing. 

“Are you just going to sit there?” Leo shouted again. Thankfully he was saved from answering as Donna showed up at the entrance to his office with a woman behind her that he presumed was Angela Blake. “I need you to vacate your office.” 

Josh was stunned and furrowed his brow not sure if he heard him right. “What?” 

“I need you to leave your office. Now!” Leo repeated. 

‘This is why.’ He thought. He had tried to resign multiple times and each time it had been rejected. Though surprised he had known it was going to go this way. It would be better for the administration if they fired him over him simply leaving.

“The appropriations committee is demanding a 5% cut. Angela needs someplace quiet and private to work on this disaster with Donna and since a lot of this is on you, she’s going to use your office.”

Josh nodded his head and took a deep breath before finally sitting up. His body hurt at the movement and it popped and cracked so loud he was sure the President would hear it in his office. “Where would you like me to go?” 

“I don’t care, just get out of here.” Leo bit out. 

“I could help with the budget. I’m familiar with-”

“NO! Josh, damn it, why can’t you get it.” He yelled. “Right now you are useless. You are nothing but a useless liability so you can go sit in a small closet somewhere for all I care right now. Just leave so we can clean up this disaster.”

Josh stared at Leo with wide eyes, the words echoing in his mind. ‘I’m useless.’ 

“Leo, stop!” he heard Donna shout. 

“It’s fine Donna.” Josh told her and he leaned on his desk to push himself up. He lowered his eyes, unable to meet the anger being directed at him and he clumsily grabbed his coat and his empty backpack and left his office, losing the little that was left of his dignity. 

“Josh wait!” Donna shouted behind him but he kept on walking. There was nothing for him here. There was no one for him here. And with that Josh exited the White House without a backward glance. 

*****

It took Josh longer than he expected to get back to his apartment. He had taken a cab when he had come in last, being conscientious enough to at least know he shouldn’t drive. It was only muscle memory that had gotten him home as his mind was too busy replaying the scene in his office over and over again, adding new details until he didn’t really remember what had really happened. 

Just that Leo, his boss, his mentor, the man he thought of as a second father and a longtime friend of the Lyman’s, had just told him he was a useless liability. The voice in his head that kept urging him to end this all had been silent since Leo had entered his office. It felt strange to Josh to have the absence of the chant, but figured he was probably close enough to what it wanted that he didn’t need much urging. 

The sudden sound of the phone ringing startled him, his hand reaching up to his heart at the sudden pounding of it. He was pretty sure at the rate he was going he wouldn’t have to end it himself, his heart would just give out. He walked over to where the phone lie next to the couch and spied the caller id seeing his mother's name on it. He briefly thought of letting it go to voicemail like he’s been doing with everyone else's calls lately, but he thought better of it. He deserved whatever guilt she was planning on inflicting him with over the phone. 

Josh picked up the phone and held it to his chest as he kicked off his shoes and curled himself in as tight a ball he could on the left side of the couch. “Hi mom.” he answered closing his eyes and leaned his head against the back of the couch. 

“Joshua. Why haven’t you called me back? I've been calling you for a week.” She stated and Josh cringed. 

“I’m sorry.” He replied contrite. 

“It’s fine sweetie. A friend brought by a magazine on Tuesday for me. It’s one of those tabloid type magazines, you know I don’t normally read these things.” 

“Of course not mom.” 

“Well it has a cover story about that is very unflattering.”

“I’m sorry you had to see it mom.” 

“I am too.” She said. A pause descended and Josh wasn’t sure what to say to break it. He really just wanted to say he was sorry and hang up so he could be alone in his misery. “Who is he?” 

“Isaac.” Josh’s voice caught in his throat as he answered. “His name is Isaac.” 

“At least they picked a good Jewish pseudonym.” She commented. 

“Mom…”

“And how long has this little...dalliance been going on?” 

Josh gave a slight sniffle as tears burned his eyes. This was why he avoided her calls. He had spent all his life listening to her, hearing her lecture and break down his walls he had built around him. And it wasn’t to comfort him, to find out what was going on and help him. She pulled at the pain causing more. He didn’t believe she did it on purpose, it was just the way she was. She was a strong woman who had survived the holocaust as a child. “Just over six month.” He finally answered her. 

“Six months then.” She paused. “I thought we fixed that problem Joshua.” 

His body shook as he struggled to keep his breath even. His stomach twisted in unbearable knots as bile tried to come up. He wanted nothing more than to just throw the phone across the room away from him. It felt contaminated from his mother's voice. He knew he had failed the last person who should love him. “It can’t be fixed mom.” 

“Apparently.” She said sharply. “To think of all that time and money your father and I put into you. You only had one job Joshua. We wouldn’t have cared what you did for a living, we were proud of you but the only thing we expected of you was to start a family. You were supposed to find some nice girl in college, marry her and start pushing out babies.” 

“I know mom.” He winced. 

“If you know than why didn’t you do it?” Her voice was like shards of glass in his ear. He felt his body prickle as if they were slicing into his flesh over the line. “We tried to help you with your...proclivity.” She took a long pause, letting her words sink into Josh. “I’m just thankful your father and sister isn’t here to see this.”

That did it for Josh as he slapped his hand to his mouth, sure there would be a bruise as his body shook and sobs he could not hold on to any longer wracked through his body. His fingers gripped tightly to the phone, unable to lower it. It took him several minutes to get some semblance of control, all the while listening to his mother's calm breathing on the other side. It soothed him, bringing him back to childhood when he would sit by her on the couch watching TV before bed. 

“Joshua, please, get control of yourself. There is no place for pity.” She gave an annoyed sigh. “Besides, I wasn’t calling about your predilection for this man. I’ve come to the decision...Joshua I love you, you know that.” 

Josh’s heart stopped beating as he tried sitting up more. “Yes?” He questioned. If he was honest with himself he didn’t know, not anymore. 

“Well everything that’s happened over the last few years, your father passing away, moving to a southern state, your getting shot, and everything else in between has taken its toll.”

“I’m sorry mom.” He said. “I don’t mean to burden you.” 

“I know Joshua but you have.” She paused again as Josh mentally urged her to stop. The direction she was going was not one he wanted to visit. He wasn’t sure he’d survive it. He wasn’t sure he’d survive anything at this point. 

“Mom…”

“I’m an old woman Joshua. I’m old and my health is declining and with all this latest drama of yours I just can’t take any more of it.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean Joshua is that I can’t do this anymore. My family is dead and I just want to sit here on my porch and stare at the ocean and mourn my family until it’s my time.” 

“I’m your family, I’m still alive.” Josh cried out panicked. “I’m not dead yet.” 

“I’ve contacted the Lawyer in charge of the estate, everything of course will go to you when I'm gone.” 

“Stop, stop mom. Please. I’m not dead.” He begged, his voice cracking and breaking. 

“I’d appreciate it if you would respect my wishes and not contact me directly. Go through my lawyer.”

“Mom! I’m not dead! I’m not dead!”

“I hope you find some way to fix yourself and be happy son. ``I love you.” With that the woman who had given him birth, who he thought had unconditional love for him hung up. 

Josh was too stunned to move. His whole body stopped its shaking and all the pain he had felt had dissipated as he stared off into the distance with glazed eyes with the phone to his ear. Out of everyone in the world he had always thought he could always count on his mother when things were at their worst that he could count on her now. 

“Mom? Mom??....Mommy?” the last came out too soft even for his ears. “I’m not dead mommy.” He hiccupped. “Mom, I'm not dead! Please answer me. I’m not…” 

Finally his hand released the phone. It bounced off his curled knee and onto the cushion next to him. Josh dragged his fingers tightly through his hair and over his forehead, trying to kick start his brain into doing anything. But nothing came. No sounds, no voices. He felt the same insanity consuming him in silence as he did with the noise.

Clenching his hand into a fist he started to beat it against his temple, trying to feel anything but it didn’t work other than give him some physical release. Josh didn’t know what to do. He didn’t have his job that was everything to him once. His friends had all abandoned him since his birthday, and the last person he thought he could count on had just told him that he was dead to her. 

‘Maybe you are dead.’ His mind supplied. ‘Maybe this the afterlife and this is the hell you built for yourself.’

“Then I deserve this.” He said aloud to himself as he slid down onto the couch, laying his head on the seat cushion and clutching himself in a fetal position. “I deserve this.” 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review! It makes me feel warm and fuzzy and want to type.

Chapter 8

10 days. It had been 10 days since he last spoke to Josh. He had been trying to get a hold of him after 2 days from his last call, worried. There was no response. Then the magazine came out and Sam had called Josh multiple times that day. Unable to get a hold of him he then spent the day trying to get a hold of Donna who apparently had been in the budget negotiations. 

He still ground his teeth at that. She was his friend but she had no business in there. She wasn’t a politician, she was an assistant, and while she was a very good one, who was a very valuable asset, particularly in the handling of Josh, the fact was, it wasn’t her position to be there.

After failing to get a hold of her he moved on down the list. Calling CJ, trying to get information out of her. CJ however was less than cooperative. Questioning if he had a life of his own to deal with. Sam did have a life, but his life included Josh. Sam finally got some real answers from Toby. The gruff man sounded as worried as Sam felt and at first it he had felt slightly better after a promise from Toby to force Josh to call, a call that never came. He had regretted at the time threatening his former boss with litigation, but Sam would stick to that promise. Josh had dedicated his entire life to politics. He wasn’t going to let that world destroy his friend. 

Which is what brought him to currently sitting in a taxi headed for the White House. 

The only response after Toby were a few snippets when he was able to get a hold of someone for a moment or two, probably answering so he would stop calling. It was always the same rubbish of ‘He’s fine.’ or ‘He’s handling it well’ and so forth. But with no call from Josh himself Sam broke his agreement with Toby and came to Washington before the budget had passed. 

It couldn’t be helped in any case. The White House had gotten the other party down to a 4% cut but it was still too much. The negotiations were at a stall at the moment and Sam knew a government shutdown was coming in a few days without an agreement. He didn’t know how long it would take and after 10 days of not speaking to his friend, Sam had hastily packed a bag and jumped on the first flight out. 

Sam marveled at the beautiful sites around him. He had spent a good chunk of his interning, when he wasn’t being overworked for no pay, exploring the city. He couldn’t help but fall in love with the city with its political atmosphere and beautiful architecture that could rival any in the world. But the most powerful memory of the city was when he mean Josh Lyman. 

He has first spotted Josh at the mall, sitting on the steps that led up to the enormous statue of Abraham Lincoln. He had stopped frozen at the sight of the unknown man who sat on a step with his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands staring off into the distance across the pond and towards the Washington Monument. Sam closed his eyes remembering that moment. The first thing he noticed was the unruly curled hair up top the mans face. He was slightly rumpled from the day but still had some sort of elegance and professional air surrounding him. His fingers curled gently at his jaw showing Sam the most beautiful digits he’d ever seen, Long and thin like a piano players. 

“May I help you with something.” The man said, startling Sam out of reverie. He stood there dumbfounded for a beats before stuttering out a timid no. Sam felt like a fool and was about to turn and leave as quickly as possible when the man turned his gaze to him and Sam was frozen once more. His eyes were a deep dark brown that could be almost be considered black if not for the amber that appears when light hits them. They looked intelligent and curious and Sam thought he’d be happy the rest of his life staring at them. 

“Come, sit.” He said and Sam managed to bring his feet up to step up to where the other man was and sat down on the hard marble. “I’m Josh Lyman.” He introduced reaching out his hand.

“Sam Seaborn.” Sam shook the proffered hand, feeling the firm shake and the soft skin. 

“We’re here sir.” The driver said as the car stopped. 

Sam shook himself to the present and smiled at the man handing himi the fare and a rather generous tip. As he stood on the sidewalk he stared ahead at the beautiful scene of the White House. Memories of times good and bad flashing through his mind leaving a warm feeling of contentment mixed with sadness in the pit of his stomach. He missed his friends, and to be honest, he did miss his work. 

Getting through the gate proved easy. He a warm hello and enquiry to the man and his family who manned it he passed by with no resistance. Stepping into the foyer smacked him hard with nostalgia of the hundreds of times he had entered and exited it. The room looked the same as it had when he left. It was grand and it was beautiful and regardless of your feelings towards whoever is in office, you feel the power of all those who reside. 

“Well well, Mr Seaborn. How have you been?” the guard at the front greeting, reaching his hand out to shake his hand. With a warm smile he returned it. Eli had manned the sign in desk for as long as Sam had worked there. He was a constant presence there and always ready with a smile no matter the situation. “Who are you here to see?” 

“Well I’d see anyone who will let me in.” Sam laughed. 

“No appointment eh?” Eli said as he clicked the keys to look at the scheduled appointments. 

“No, I don't. It was sort of a last minute trip.”

“Hmm. Well, you know if I could I'd just let you in.”

“I understand Eli, rules are rules.” Sam agreed, looking around him. 

“Give me a few moments and I’ll see if I can find one of the assistants to sign you in.” The man replied, signalling to another guard to take his place.

Sam gave a slight nod and took a few steps away, staring at a painting on the wall of the capitol building, allowing his mind to wander back to the beginning of his friendship with Josh. They had chatted on those steps of the Lincoln Memorial for hours. Josh had told him about himself and the work he was doing. He was working for Senator Brennan at the time and Sam just listened wide eyed. 

“Do you want to get something to eat?” Josh had asked him as the sun began to set. The wind picked up and it was beginning to get chilly. “My treat!” How could Sam refuse. 

Josh had stood up gracefully and held out his hand to help Sam up. He had felt a buzz go through him. The held hands a little longer than what was strictly necessary for the task, but looking up from their clasped hands Sam felt a shudder as he looked into the deep brown eyes and saw something inside them. Just as quickly Josh had blinked and it was like a wall came up between them as he quickly dropped Sam’s head. With an easy smile he turned and headed down the stairs. “Come on. I know this great place for pasta. I hope your not one of those crazy vegetarians or vegans.”

“SAM! A Voice shouted causing him to turn around. The moment he did, he felt arms wrap tightly around him and shake him a few times before turning back. 

“Ginger, it's nice to see you. You look very well. Got a new boyfriend?” 

“Even better, I got engaged.” And she did what all women do and held up her hand so everyone can admire it. It was a good sized rock he admitted. 

“Doctor?” 

“Executive Chef.” 

“Oh...even better.” He told her. 

“Well come on come on.” She said dragging him back to the sign in desk and getting him an appointment pass. “We’re very busy as I’m sure you know with the budget disaster, but if you promise to come visit the communications bullpen before you leave, I wont make an intern escort you around. 

“What if I steal some top secret plan to fight inflation?” He joked, Ginger gave a soft chuckle and a stiff smile. He was about to ask but closed his mouth and thought better of it. 

“Don’t worry about that Sam, i’ll just have the guards shake you down before you leave.” 

“That might actually be fun.” 

“Go!” She said and pushed him away as she turned back towards communications. 

The smile on Sam’s face dropped once she was Ginger was out of sight and stood there for a moment taking in all the activity. People greeting him cheerfully as they passed him while they went back and forth in whatever duty they were assigned to help run the government. He gave them each a an easy smile before turning to the left and heading towards Josh’s office, wondering if he should have grabbed some food to bring to help ease any awkwardness the was going to happen. Unlike that first meal they had together. 

Josh had taken him to an Italian restaurant nearby. The scent of bread and spices had hit him the second the door opened, reminding him of a trip to Italy he had taken one summer in middle school with his grandparents. They were sitting at a quiet booth next to some windows and Sam watched as the people walked back and forth outside. 

“You’re a deep thinker.” Josh commented once their orders were placed. Sam gave a look of confusion that had put a quirked smile on Josh’s face. “What do you see when you stare out the window like that?” 

Sam thought for a few moments, looking back out the window. The sun was almost completely set and the streetlights had come on to light the streets. “I wonder where people are going,”

“I sometimes wonder that too.” Josh admitted, placing his chin in his hand. “I always wonder what they’re thinking or feeling. I wonder if they feel they’re crazy and alone in a huge city like DC and how do they hide it to look so normal as they pass.” 

“That's oddly specific.” Sam commented as he gazed at josh and took in how his eyebrows arched over his eyes and the lashes that kissed his cheek when he blinked. Josh had been silent, staring out into a distance with unfocused eyes. Sam had just sat there watching, thinking about the beauty of the man across from him until their food arrived. 

The meal had been delicious and Sam and Sam ate until he could no longer. Josh had chuckled as he raised his hand up to Sam’s face to gently wipe some remaining marinara sauce from the corner of his mouth. Sam watched him transfixed by the movement, feeling a tremor through his whole body as Josh lowered his arm and lightly stroked Sam’s arm along the way. 

Once again staring into Josh’s eyes Sam sore he could see into his soul again. Just a glimpse and it was just a tiny second as they were interrupted by the waitress bringing by the check. Within a blink, the walls around Josh seemed to go up again.

Sam reached the Operations bullpen, seeing its frantic workers run around like chickens. Some things never changed, while some things stayed the same. He headed over to Donna’s desk and frowned and seeing the blonde assistant not there. He wondered if she was back in with that woman whose name he couldn’t remember, negotiating a budget for the following year. He shook his head, deciding not to care and dropped his back near her desk and walked near Josh’s office. 

The door was closed and Sam wasn’t surprised. Knowing Leo he probably locked Josh in there, afraid of letting him be seen or heard and risking the budget or anything else. Contempt burned in his gut for those around. Josh had given everything to this administration, including almost losing his life and this was how they treated him. How they treat a friend and brilliant man. 

Without further ado Sam went over to the closed wooden door of the office and knocked softly on it, not wanting to startle its occupant. 

“Yeah?” A voice came through the door. One that was not Josh and was definitely not male. Sam immediately opened the door, freezing in his spot at the woman sitting behind his best friends desk. He looked around dumbfounded for a moment, as if Josh could be hiding in a corner or such only to find the rest of the office devoid of any other humans. 

“Who are you?” He demanded and the woman looked up. 

“Who are you?” 

“I asked first.” 

“I’m not the one barging into someone's office demanding anything.” She sardonically answered with a smirk. 

“This is Josh Lyman's office.” Sam said. 

“It was, but it's currently mine until this budget thing is wrapped up.” The woman looked back down at the folder in front of her. 

“Than where is Josh?” He demanded again and she looked up again with annoyance clearly written on her face.

“I don’t kn-” 

“Oh my god! Sam!” A voice shouted. Sam was barely able to turn around to see who it was before the arms of Donna's were thrown around his neck in a choking like hug. Sam didn’t return it as he reached his hands up to her elbows to pull her away. 

Instantly she let go of him and took a step back with her brows furrowed looking at him expectantly. “You know this man?” the woman behind the desk asked. “He’s quite rude.” 

Donna looked back and forth between us a few times before swiping a piece of bright blonde hair behind her ear and entering the room. “Uh, yeah. This is Sam Seaborn. Sam this is Angela Blake.” 

“Ah” Sam stated simply, uninterested. He just wanted his question answered. 

“How long you staying for?” Donna asked, putting a small smile back on her face but by now Sam was getting impatient. He hadn’t heard from his friend in 10 days, barely heard from his friends who are near previously mentioned friend for at least 5 days, and he had just flown across the country to come immediately to the white house for one reason and that reason wasn’t where he was supposed to be. 

“Depends. Where is Josh?” He repeated. 

“Josh? He’s around here someplace.” Her eyes looked to the side guilty. 

“Shouldn’t you know Donna? You are his assistant, aren't you supposed to be assisting him?” Sam ground out. 

“Leo temporarily assigned me to help Angela with the budget negotiations I-”

“You should still have checked in with him right? Do you even know if he’s here?” 

Donna’s eyes went wide at his questioning. He had never spoken to Donna this way. She was a good friend after all. They had joined forces over the years to manage Josh on more than one occasion but right the only thing that mattered to Sam right now was finding out where his friend was. 

“I don’t-I don’t” 

“Sam.” Toby’s voice said somewhat calmly behind him. Sam turned around to see the older man standing there with folders held tightly against his chest and his fingers drumming idly against them. “I thought you weren’t going to come here until after the budget was signed.” 

Sam scoffed and gave a bark of a laugh that had caused Donna to cringe next to him. “If i waited that long a new President would be in office.” He glowered. “Now where the hell is Josh? And don’t fucking tell me he’s around.”

“Come here.” Toby said gruffly grabbing hold of Sam’s arm. He protested and attempted to push Toby away only to be shoved into the office next to Josh’s and the door slammed behind him. 

“Sam!” CJ exclaimed standing up from her desk. 

“You’re just noticing he’s here now?” Toby raised his voice. “He’s been shouting in the hallway for the past ten minutes!” 

“Well forgive me Tobias, but some of us were busy concentrating on work, not the latest-” 

“ENOUGH!” Sam shouted at the two of them. CJ and Toby stared at him startled. Sam wasn’t one to yell or shout but he was done. His patience was out and he was done. “If the next words out of either of your mouths do not include the location of one Joshua Lyman I swear to whatever deity you believe in I will tear this place apart looking for him. And then I’m going to go to the press on the incompetence of what's been happening around here lately.”

“Sam…” 

“No CJ. You people have been screwing around with the taxpayers and the press. This isn’t some game of risk, this is real.” He clenched his jaw as he waited for a response but none seem forthcoming. “I’m not one of you anymore.” He bit out. “I’m one of them. The people you’re supposed to be serving and I'm telling you that all you’ve done is fuck up.” 

The silence in the room was deafening as the other two stared at Sam as spit out what the rest of the country, hell the world was thinking. The United States was the most powerful country on the planet and all they’ve done was create more fires before putting any of out first. And in the center, being tied to the stake was his best friend whom they allowed to burn ceaselessly for a month now. 

CJ nodded her head, giving a final glance at her boss before picking up the phone and pressing a few buttons. “Hey Eli, its CJ. Can you tell me what time Josh came in today?” She said into the receiver. Sam watched her intensely, waiting for her to calmly tell him that his friend had come in early and though no one knew where he was, he was at least in the building. It wouldn’t have comforted him as much as he’d like but at least he’d know where Josh was. “Are you sure?” She asked softer as she turned away from the other two occupants. 

“What?” Sam asked impatiently as CJ continue to mutter to Eli through the phone. With a soft thank you she placed the receiver back down and looked back up to Sam and Toby. “Well?”

“The long shows that Josh signed out Thursday late afternoon and hasn’t been back since.” She stated pursing her lips. 

“Than where the hell is he?” Sam asked. The angry pit in his stomach grew once more and he felt like he was going to be sick. Something was wrong. More so than he originally thought. “Do either of you have a key?” 

“Key?” 

“To Josh’s apartment.” He said impatiently turning around and dodging around Toby for the door. Swinging it open Sam narrowly missed running into Carol as he headed towards Donna’s desk to pick up his bag. 

“Why would-”

“Because if he’s not here that would be a good place to start, don't you think?” He ground out. “So, key?” 

CJ and Toby both shrugged, obviously not having the object that Sam was looking for. He turned away from them again and headed towards Josh’s office, the door still open with Donna watching warily from just inside. 

“I need the key to his apartment.” He told her and she shook her head. Anger and annoyance flared through him. “Donna!” 

“Just give him the key Donna.” Toby ordered, but Donna just crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him. 

“I will check on Josh.” She stated. “You go find a hotel and I”ll let you know when I find him.” 

Sam’s brow raised as he stared at her incredulously. “How about we try this again Donna.” He said with an icy glare. “You give me the key to Josh’s apartment so I can do the job you failed to do. Which was to look out for him.”

“That’s not fair Sam!” She shouted angrily. 

“Life's not fair Donna, get used to it.” He ground out. “You have your new assignment courtesy of Leo. Josh is currently not your responsibility any longer.” And it was true. Sam would fight tooth and nail before allowing Josh back here. 

“He’s not just my boss Sam he’s also my friend.” She returned. “Something I thought you were too.” 

“For Christs sake Donna just GIVE HIM THE KEY!” Toby yelled above them all. 

Sam watched as Donna startled slightly, blinking a few times before stepping back and looking around. Their argument had created a rather large crowd of curious staffers, but Sam refused to let his eyes off her until he got what he wanted. 

“Fine.” She muttered opening a drawer of her desk and pulling out her purse. Shifting through the keys on her keyring she removed a silver one that had a piece of tape on it with Josh’s name on it. She held it out to him and he snatched it quickly before she could change her mind. “I’ll be by later to check on him.” 

Sam scoffed again, stopping himself before rolling his eyes. “Don’t bother.” He said before heading towards the door. 

“So where are you staying?” Josh had asked him as they exited the restaurant. Sam shrugged, hugging his light jacket closer to his body. It wasn’t cold out but there was a slight chill to the wind. 

“There’s a house just inside the city that rents rooms for interns. Its small and you have to share space but its clean and the lady who owns it is nice.” Sam replied. 

“That’s good.” Josh said back, turning to face him. “You’ll find Washington is full of cold hearted bastards that would sell your kidneys for a vote, but there are those who are kind and believe in democracy and does what they can to help those who want to make it better.”

Sam nodded his head, not really understanding what the man was saying, but it didn’t matter. So long as he kept talking. The words spilled from his mouth would wind themselves around Sam and he swear Josh’s voice was soft bells in a choir. Eventually they had to part way as the evening wore on. Thankfully not without Josh giving Sam his number, holding on to the paper longer than what necessary. 

Sam couldn’t wait to spend more time with him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the Donna bashing. I liked her up to a point in the serious but then it just got to where she seemed to have forgotten her position and all that Josh had actually done for her and I wanted to bitch slap her the last few seasons.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No reviews? :( oh well. I know I normally try to post fri/sat but I just couldn't get this chapter right. But I hope you enjoy it.   
> This chapter is heavily influenced by the last part of "Here Alone" by Jackie Thomas. I absolutely LOVE that story. It here on the archive fro you to read.

Chapter 9

Sam’s heart beat hard in his chest as he urged the cab to move faster but at the same time urging it to slow down. He didn’t like what he had learned from the White House and was conflicted with wanting to get to Josh as quickly as possible and being afraid of what he might find. This time Sam didn’t stare out the window and enjoy the view. This time he sat with his hands in his lap and his eyes closed taking deep breaths.

“We’re here sir.” The driver said as the car pulled to a stop. Sam opened his eyes, looking around at the familiar neighborhood, a slight smile on the curve of his lips as memories of late night pizza after a long day of work or a game on the occasional day off.

“Sir?”

“Yes, sorry.” Sam mumbled opening the door and exiting. He rummaged reached into his wallet and pulled out the fare, giving the man a generous tip before turning his back and looking up at the building.

Josh was on the 3rd floor of the building with a large tree in front. He Sam had complained about it the first time he had come over. Josh’s apartment would have a wonderful view of the city if it weren’t for that tree. But Josh had just shrugged and said he preferred it, that it made him feel as if he had a little more privacy. Sam didn’t mention it again, or of the other obstructions to the other windows preventing anyone from possibly seeing inside.

It had amused Sam over the years what he’s heard of others opinions on Josh. The man was an enigma. He was boisterous, passionate, and loud. He had an ego the size of Texas and two states over. He was more intelligent than half of congress put together and the speed in which Josh could add 1 and 1 was shocking at times. Despite his faults in those areas people generally liked Josh. Especially if they felt they understood him or had been one of the lucky few who has seen the other side of Josh. The sweet kind side that was his true self which he hid away.

The truth was, becoming Josh’s friend and understanding him was simple. Respect his privacy of which he was very protective of. It made Sam feel somber as he climbed the stairs to the entrance to the building that while he counts himself as one of the very few people who know Josh Lyman, the fact was he really didn’t know him much at all. Josh kept his secrets and kept them well.

Reaching the 3rd floor Sam paused at the top for a few beats before moving towards Josh’s door. He stared at it for a few minutes, willing Josh to just open the door without Sam having to knock but that would never happen.

Sam knocked three times on the door and waited. He knocked a few more times, saying his friends name loudly and waited. Putting his ear closer to the door he listened for any sounds on the other side but none could be heard. For a moment the thought that Josh could just not be home crossed his mind, but with CJ saying Josh hadn’t been to work since Thursday, it didn’t seem plausible.

“Josh?” He shouted again, reaching his hand to the knob. He wasn’t sure why he did that, but turning it the door opened. The door being unlocked alarmed him more. It was always the first thing Josh did when he came home. Turn around and lock the door before taking off his coat and shoes.

With a feeling of dread Sam stepped into the apartment. It was dark with no lights and the curtains drawn and the room had a musty smell from probably being closed up. Sam closed the door gently behind him, reaching back to flick the lock into place before walking further into the apartment.

“Josh?” He said again. Not seeing his friend in the foyer or living room he moved towards the back where the bedroom was. The door was opened and Sam could immediately see the bed as he approached. It lain unmade and rumpled as his friend always left it.

“Why bother making a bed? You’re just going to mess it up again at night again.” Josh had commented once during one of their nights together. Sam smiled at the memory, remembering in detail the feel of Josh’s hands roaming across his body and the feel of his mouth that followed. It has been Sam’s last night in Washington before heading to California for the election.

Blinking a few times Sam came back to himself, walking further in, bending down to pick up a shirt from the floor that Josh had carelessly dropped. His friend was obviously not there and Sam felt panic starting to set in.

He headed back out of the room, stopping momentarily to check the bathroom. The door was also opened already as Sam flipped on the switch for the overhead light. His stomach lurched at the sight of blood that littered the sink and counter, pooling on the floor. It wasn’t a lot, not enough for his friend to bleed to death but it was enough. It was enough to realize that Josh had become careless in his self-destruction. Something everyone knew about but never spoke of.

Sam flicked the light off and backed away from the room. He couldn’t stop smelling the iron of his friend’s blood, the same blood he had stained on his hands once. The smell hadn’t left him for days despite his frequent cleansing of his hands. It took a week before Sam finally felt like his hands were free of all the blood that had been there.

Walking back into the living room Sam went towards the window off to the side, flinging the curtain open and lifting the window allowing fresh air in. The breeze was cold but he felt like he could breathe again as it hit his lungs. The feeling of throwing up rescinded and Sam turned around to leave but stopped in his tracks.

“Josh!” The name came out breathily, urging him to the couch. Josh lay in the middle with his legs up to his chin and his head resting on the cushion. Sam kneeled on the floor, reaching out to touch his friend but hesitating at the glazed look.

Josh didn’t even seem to register that someone was in his home, let alone that Sam was kneeling in front of him. Sam took in his appearance, furrowing his brow at black work pants he wore and the white shirt and tie that was still buttoned up though wrinkled. The man seemed to have moved little as there was dust settled upon him. The panic and nausea was coming back to Sam at the possibility that he might be looking at the corpse of his best friend.

But there was no smell of decay in the air so Sam reached out again, placing his hand gently on his friends head, feeling some warmth still coming from him. He allowed his fingers to comb gently through the slightly curly hair and down to his neck pausing his breath as he waited to feel the thump of his friend’s heart. He sighed with relief as he felt it with his fingertips and forced his eyes to not release the tears that were threatening to come.

“Josh...Josh!” Sam’s voice whispered hoarsely. He once again reached out to his friend, smoothing down his hair, his thumb gliding softly over the soft facial hair that was growing. “Please Josh, wake up.” Sam cried out softly. He shook josh gently, too afraid to shake him too hard.

With no response, not even a flicker from his eye Sam let the tears he’d been holding out. He’d been holding it together for a month since this whole disaster began, but finally being here with Josh, seeing for himself the state he was in was too much for him. He gently pried Josh’s hands from around his legs and pulled them to him. Sam held them tightly, feeling the bones of the long digits as he brought them to his cheek. They felt cold and dry and he lowered his head, place Josh’s between his forehead and the couch and just let himself cry upon them, wishing his tears could fix Josh.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there like that. Time didn’t mean anything at the moment. His knees ached and Josh’s fingers felt slimy from Sam’s tears but he refused to move. He idly wondered if he could just stay like that. Stay kneeling next to Josh as he faded away. Wondering if he too could just stay there until he faded away with him.

“Sam?” a voice crackled so softly Sam thought it was his imagination at first. He held his breath until he heard it again. Lifting his head he gazed at his friend, watching him blink slowly as if waking from sleep.

“Josh.” He gasped as one hand found itself tangling its fingers in the curly hair of the man prone on the couch and the other found itself cupping his cheek, ignoring the cold he felt.

“Sorry. Must have dozed off. What were you saying?”

Sam furrowed his brow in confusion but didn’t answer. He pulled himself off the floor, his knees cracking and popping in protest of kneeling for so long. Josh’s eyes didn’t follow his ascent as a normal person would and he feared Josh slipping back into wherever he went.

“Come on, sit up.” He said wrapping his arms around Josh’s frame and pulling him up, wincing at the whimpers of pain coming from Josh. He placed himself next to Josh’s side, helping to support him as his hand moved to the stubble chin. “Josh, look at me. I need you to look at me. Come on.”

It took longer than he’d like for Josh to focus his eyes on Sam. It sent a shiver through Sam’s body as he stared back into the dark chocolate eyes. What he saw was confusion and defeat but nothing else. It alarmed him. Josh had such expressive eyes and when he let his guard down you could see right into his soul. Or Sam had always felt.

“Oh Josh. What have you done?” He whispered, more to himself than to his friend.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep on you.”

“You didn’t.” Sam reassured. “Let me get you some water.”

Carefully he got up, gently pushing Josh into a position where he wouldn’t fall over and went to the kitchen. Reaching for a glass Sam took the few moments he had to pull himself together. He had to be together so he could help Josh. It was the only thing that mattered to him right now.

Filing the glass Sam turned back to the living room, pleased at seeing Josh still sitting up. He stood there for a few beats just watching his friend blink unseeing, waiting to see if he’d notice Sam’s presence. He did not.

“Here you go.” He said, taking his place back and holding the glass to Josh’s lips. Long thin fingers reached up tremoring to wrap around the glass. Sam wouldn’t let go of it, Josh wouldn’t be able to hold it steady enough to drink. He worried about dehydration, wondering when the last time Josh had any liquid was. If he was smart he’d call a cab and force Josh to a hospital where they could check him and help him, but Sam knew even in his weakened state Josh would protest and the man was so frail looking he was afraid of hurting him.

“Thank you.” Josh licked his dry lips and released the glass.

They sat in silence then. Sam sat there, arms around Josh, holding him as close as he could. In any other situation Josh would have protested, would have pushed him away. He only allowed touching if he were the one to initiate it, so Sam took advantage of the moment and sat there quietly listening to Josh’s labored breathing.”

“You need a bath my friend.” Sam said as he wiped some dust from the black dress pants Josh was wearing.

“I don’t like baths.”

“I know but I don’t think you’d be able to stand long enough for a shower.” 

“Just leave me here.”

That wasn’t going to happen. Sam doubted he’d ever let Josh be alone ever again. But with a soft whisper, repeating his words several times to be sure Josh heard him, Sam got up again and headed towards the bathroom. He hesitated at the doorway, the smell of blood hitting his nostrils again. But taking a deep breath Sam went in and flicked on the light.

Plugging the tub he turned the faucet of the bathtub on, being sure it was a good temperature. In his head it was balance. Josh was so thin he was probably sensitive to temperature change. Satisfied with the temperature Sam grabbed a rag from the cupboard and soaked it in hot water before running it over the surfaces of the bathroom. Wiping up the blood. It wouldn’t sanitize it but it made it disappear and helped with the smell.

He began cleaning off the counter, throwing away bloodied rags before his hands froze at a razor blade. He stared at it and swallowed a lump in his throat. There was rusted blood on the edge of it showing that it had been used and he felt sick. ‘Get it together.’ He told himself, blinking a few times than moving into action.

He threw the razor away, wiping down the counter, but it didn’t seem enough. There were more, he knew it. Sam looked at himself in the mirror for a brief moment before opening the medicine cabinet, seeing several boxes of razor blades and a host of medication. Without blinking Sam grabbed any objects in there that Josh could use and tossed out any over the counter medication. The prescriptions he grabbed and tossed into a basket that he found under the sink during his search. He’d have to go through them before trashing any as Josh had medication he needed to take due to the some permanent side effects of being shot. Blood thinners, and blood pressure meds and such.

Once they were stashed in the kitchen, a room that was next on his list to go through, he went back out to the living room for Josh. He felt a slight pang of relief as Josh watched him approach. Perhaps getting some water in him helped the fuzz that seemed to clog Josh’s attention. Helping Josh off the couch was a greater effort than he anticipated though he shouldn’t have thought otherwise. Josh was weak from days of being sedentary and the lack of food and water for energy made it difficult for him to move.

Eventually they made it to the bathroom with Sam supporting most of Josh’s weight. Josh stared at the tub of water, eyes wide and moving away.

“You want me to put bubbles in there?” Sam joked pulling his friend back. There was no reaction from Josh who had placed himself on the closed lid of the toilet. He stared at the wall as his fingers played with his shirt in a sad pathetic way of trying to pull it from his pants.

Without a word Sam kneeled in front of his friend and gently pushed his hands away. He allowed his own fingers to grab the bottom the shirt at Josh’s waist and tug the fabric free. With nimble fingers he unbuttoned it being sure to get the buttons on his wrist before pushing it off boney shoulders and finally getting a good look at Josh’s body.

He choked back a sob at the sight of the nice neat lines that littered Josh’s skin pale skin. It seemed there were twice as many since the last time he had seen his skin. They were in various degrees of healing, all red and angry looking. ‘Now is not the time.’ He told himself, throwing the shirt to the ground. 

With some difficulty Sam managed to get the rest of Josh’s clothes off, forcing his mind to disregard how Josh’s beautiful running legs were thin and boney, or how more cuts and burns line them. He forced himself to disregard that the man he loved was almost and skeleton and barely resembled himself. He forced himself to disregard that he doesn’t know how to save him.

Sam grabbed wash cloth and Josh’s body wash and began gently rubbing his skin clean. Josh had closed his eyes and allowed Sam to bathe him boneless but still looking slightly content. After washing the curls that he had loved to run his hands through, he stood up and grabbed a towel and reached down to help Josh.

“No, I want to stay here.” He protested, refusing Sam. “I can’t remember the last time I felt this warm.”

“Well, if you had more fat on you…” He trailed off, being rewarded with a soft smile from Josh. It lifted his heart and he had to refrain himself from just leaning over the edge of the tub and kissing Josh senseless as if that would fix him.

Instead he smiled back and turned on the hot water, allowing enough in to warm the cooling water. Josh relined further into the water, giving a contented sigh as he did. Leaving Josh alone, secure in that he removed anything that he could use to harm himself minus the water in the tub, Sam went to the kitchen and filled a rarely used kettle with some water and put it on the stove. Josh wasn’t a fan of tea but Sam knew he always kept some in case someone comes over.

Satisfied that it was on the stove heating up Sam started going through the drawers and cabinets of the kitchen. He tossed any and all objects that looked sharp into a box that he had found. But it didn’t relieve the tension in him or the fear that he was missing anything so he began going through other drawers, bookcases, shelves, everywhere and placing objects, even a few ridiculous ones in the box. The thought that he was invading Josh’s privacy didn’t even cross his mind. In his mind. That his friend’s actions justified this invasion.

The kettle whistled and Sam turned the burner off and moved it to another before towards the bathroom. Meeting an empty tub sent a shiver of fear down his spine and he headed towards the bedroom giving a sigh of relief at seeing him sitting on the bed, trying to dress himself.

“You made me do all that work and you could have done it?” Sam jested awkwardly. He stepped in front of Josh and grabbed the boxers that he had grabbed. He chose warm clothing of sweat pants and a Yale sweatshirt. He put two pair of socks on his feet without Josh even issuing a sound of protest. “Come, I’ll make you some tea.”

“I don’t like tea.” Josh muttered, allowing Sam to help him up. He seemed to have more strength now since he’s had a bath. “I’ll take some coffee though.”

They ambled to the dining room where Sam deposited Josh in a chair in sight of the kitchen before going to make some tea. The rising steam from the much as he placed it on the table seemed to entice Josh and he wrapped his fingers around it and bent his head to take a deep breath.

Once again he was rewarded with a shy smile. Content that Josh would be fine for a few minutes Sam went back into the kitchen and searched the cabinets for anything Josh could eat. There wasn’t much there and he refused to even think about opening the fridge but he wasn’t surprised. Even before all that is happening Josh was probably only home for a few hours to shower and nap. They had worked such long hours and every day that buying groceries was basically a waste of time and money.

Luckily he spotted a few cans of soup. Chicken noodle, Josh’s favorite. It made him smile remembering all the times he had eaten a meal with his friend and watched Josh eat the soup like he was a kid again, picking out the vegetables and slurping the broth. Grabbing a bowl Sam warmed it up and brought it to the table.

Josh watched him warily as Sam pushed the soup towards him. He didn’t seem interested as he kept his fingers tightly wrapped around the undrunk tea. After several failed attempts to coax the man into eating it himself, Sam took initiative and grabbed the spoon, prepared to feed him.

However getting Josh to eat was like getting a stubborn child to. Josh had shook his head and stood up to walk over to the window. He let Josh be for a few minutes before getting up himself to bring him back to the table. It went like that several times before Josh finally gave in and opened his mouth.

Six spoonful’s and a glass of water later Sam conceded and sat back in the chair as he watched his friend grab the spoon and start stirring the contents. “You shouldn’t play with your food.” Sam admonished, breaking the silence.

Josh splashed the spoon in the bowl, allowing liquid over the edge and to spill on the table. Sam wrinkled his nose but didn’t say anything enjoying the smile that was once more coming from Josh. He was glad he came.

“Sam wh-”

But what Josh was about to say was cut off by a loud buzzing suddenly blasting through the silent air. Within a blink of an eye everything was chaos. Josh jumped at the sound, knocking over the contents of the table at the haste to get away. Sam jumped startled at the reaction as the buzzer sounded again.

Josh grabbed both sides of his head, eyes closed tight as he muttered ‘no no no’ over and over again. He began pacing back and forth, his body tense and agitated. Sam reached out to grab him but with the sound of the buzzer a third time, josh reached out to the nearest thing in reach and threw his arms at it hard before collapsing boneless to the ground.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whatcha think? to melodramatic? too much narrative? Please read and review.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Just FYI there probably wont be a chapter next week (this week?). its my Birthday on Saturday and I'm spending the whole weekend with my 2 year old niece. Please read and review

Chapter 10

Donna stood by the dining room table stunned. She wasn’t exactly sure what had been happening a few moments ago but based off the sick feeling in her gut it wasn’t something good. It had been chaotic when she first entered the apartment. She had rung the bell at the door several times, unable to get in as she gave Sam her key. After several attempts the door unlocked and she was able to come up. She had knocked when she reached Josh’s door. Behind it she could hear a loud cry and fast heavy feet right before the door opened to an irritated looking Sam.

“Hey I-” But she didn’t get to say anything more than that as Sam turned sharply away from her with the door wide open and hurried over to the dining room table.

Josh’s voice flitted over to her as she narrowed her eyes. Gasping breath and strangled cries hit her along with soft mutterings from Sam as he tried to calm her boss down. The sudden need to see Josh, to see what was happening sprung her to move forward towards the dining room, walking cautiously around it until Josh was in full view. A mess surrounded him of broken glass and spilled liquid. Her heart pounded at the thought that he had done that. She feared it was a repeat of that Christmas, Josh smashing his hand through a window to silent the voices that he said was clouding his head. She carefully examined him as she stood near Sam as he knelt on the floor.

Josh’s face was red and blotchy and wet with tears and sweat. His body trembled violently as he sat with his knees up to his chin. She watched him with wide eyes as Sam tried to calm him, his left hand holding tight to Josh’s right, holding it against his chest with Josh struggling weakly to take it back, and Sam’s other hand on the side Josh’s face gently stroking it and he muttered calming words to the man.

“Oh Josh.” She whispered, dropping down to her knees beside the two men and reached out to run her fingers through his hair. But Josh stiffened and became more agitated, now fighting the hold Sam had on him. She drew her hand back as if it burned as she stared at Josh fearfully.

“Don’t touch him.” Sam bit out irritated as he forewent the gentle approach he seemed to have utilized successfully till now and released Josh’s hand only to wrap his arms tightly around him, preventing Josh to harm himself further. She watched as Josh fought Sam, trying to push him away to no avail as Sam held him closer and tighter to his own body.

Sensing she wasn’t needed and was just causing further trouble Donna stood up, wiping a stray tear that had escaped from her eye and walked away into the living room wrapping her arms around herself grimacing at the horrible sounds that were coming from Josh. He sounded like a wounded animal that was caught in a trap. He was sort of but it didn’t make it easier. Her heart twinge at each sound he made wanting to just rush to him and hold him as Sam was.

She sat heavily on the couch, placing her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands as she listened to Sam trying to calm her boss down. Once upon a time she would have been in Sam’s position. She had been that person. The one holding him tightly as he fought against the demons in his head. It had been after his breakdown that one Christmas. Donna had spent many nights in Josh’s apartment, laying on the couch she was on now and waiting for any sounds to come from Josh’s room signaling a nightmare.

Donna wondered what state Josh was actually in, remembering that waif of a man that left his office at the demand of Leo. She had wanted to go after him, meant to go after him once the days’ work was done. But they had stayed late that night and started early the next and though Donna had thought of Josh her mind had been quickly directed back towards her task at hand; helping Angela Blake get a budget agreement.

It had been a shock to see Sam standing in the doorway of Josh’s office. Elation was the first thing she felt as she threw her arms around his neck. But the stiffness of his body caused her to back away from him and the anger in his eyes had sent a shiver down her spine. When Toby and CJ had dragged him into CJ’s office Donna had wanted to go too. She wanted to explain to Sam what was going on. Make him see that everything was ok. Then he came out and demanded Josh’s apartment key and she knew he would never listen to them. 

A piercing scream from Josh in the dining room had her bury her face deeper into her hands, restraining herself. She allowed her mind to wander away from where she was currently, afraid she wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer. She never could handle seeing Josh in pain. She thought about earlier that day after Sam left the White House angrily, shouting over his shoulder to her not to bother coming over tonight and all she could do was watch him go. CJ had gently grabbed her arm and steers Donna in the direction of her office, being sure to close the door tightly before starting to say anything.

“Well that hadn’t gone very well.” CJ commented plopping down into her chair behind her desk. Toby scoffed at her interpretation and Donna felt like she was missing something.

“Hadn’t gone very well? That’s an understatement. I would say that was a complete disaster.” He said in a soft voice which scared Donna more than his usual yelling.

“I wouldn't say complete yet Toby, there is still a long way down to the bottom that we’re about to smash into.”

“What's going on?” Donna asked looking back and forth between the two.

“Josh hasn’t been in since Thursday.” CJ sighed out and Donna’s eyes went wide.

“How could that be? He’s always in.” She stated incredulously. “He barely leaves the office anymore.” 

“Yeah well, he hasn’t lately. I thought it was a little too quiet around here.”

Donna pinched her lips together as she stared astonished at her friend. It was a callous remark and she could see immediately on CJ’s face that she regretted it immediately but it still stung. Donna fished around her mind trying to figure how she couldn’t have noticed that her boss hadn’t been at work for over 3 days. She was attuned to him, she knew him inside and out, and yet this happened.

“I can’t believe Sam came here, now, of all times.” Toby muttered as he paced. “He told me he’d wait till the budget was taken care of.”

Donna turned towards him. “What do you mean?” She asked.

“I mean we have enough problems surrounding Josh right now that Sam is going to cause more problems.”

“I don-”

“I mean that we dropped the ball on Josh and now Sam’s here on his white horse to save him. That...that...that his only interest is Josh.

Donna shook her head. “Sam’s only concerned Toby. They’re best friends.”

“Oh please.” Toby scoffed again. “You’re a smart girl you must have figured out a long time ago that Sam was in love with Josh. Though I didn’t think it would have been reciprocated until recently with that magazine outing Josh.”

“Toby just stop. It might not be as bad as you think.” CJ sighed. “I think it's good that Sam’s here. Josh needs someone and we’re not able to give him what he needs right now...”

“The press will-”

“For god’s sake Toby, who cares about the press! Josh, our friend, our brother is sick and we’ve failed to help him in any real way. He’s fallen apart and we all know how bad it could really get if it hadn’t already.”

“Don’t.” Toby stopped pacing, giving her a hard stare. “Don’t say it. He’s fine.”

Donna turned her face away from her friends and stared straight ahead. She knew what they were saying, what they were implying. That thing that everyone knew about but nobody spoke of. That thing that everyone accepted as part of Josh. They never asked him and he never spoke to them about. The Scars.

Donna remembered the first time she had seen any of them. It had been during the first campaign, not long after she had been put on salary. The two of them had been sitting in his makeshift office going over some polling data for an upcoming stop in Nevada. It was hot and stuffy in the room and she sat against some boxes in a tank top and skirt wishing the AC worked more efficiently. Josh was covered up completely in jeans and a long sleeve shirt though he could have been in shorts and a shirt like everyone else. She could see sweat forming on his brow so she knew he had to be hot but he didn’t seem bothered by it at all.

“You should take that shirt off or at least roll up the sleeves.” She suggested fanning herself with the stack of papers. Josh just shrugged and continued on working as if she hadn’t said anything at all. She had scooted closer to him then and grabbed the hem of his sleeve and before he could pull his arm back she had pushed it up enough to see the dozens of lines scattered across his skin with a few burn marks beside them.

She froze at the sight of them, feeling her stomach twist at the implications. Josh took her moment of shock to stand up and hide his arm again, looking anywhere but at her. Donna didn’t speak for a few moments before squeaking out a soft apology. They never spoke of it again.

“We need to go over to Josh’s after we get out of here.” CJ stated as fact, breaking Donna out of her reverie. “We need to talk to both of them, find out what's going on, and find a solution.”

“No, I’ll go.” Donna piped in. “All three of us showing could cause more problems.”

The other two had resisted, insisting they all failed and should all go. But Donna knew that was a bad idea and had spent a good part of an hour convincing them. Between Sam’s anger and Josh’s unknown status, it could be a disaster to all those involved. Toby and CJ had covered for her as she slipped out several hours later with their parting reminder that they’d be waiting for her call.

And that was how she ended up there at Josh’s apartment, sitting on the couch. Lifting her head from her hands she held her breath and listened for a few moments. The noises from the dining room had ceased but she could hear soft voices murmuring from the bedroom. Getting up from her seat Donna walked over to where she had found Josh and Sam when she arrived.

She had never seen Josh look so pained before, even during his recovery and that one Christmas. She felt sick to her stomach and closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths before heading to the kitchen to grab a broom and pick up the scattered mess.

*******

“I feel like I’m being punished.” Josh murmured, his fingers tapping a secret code upon Sam jeans.

Sam sat with his back against the headboard of the bed and his hand gently massaging Josh’s neck where the curls ended. Josh was draped over Sam, his breathing slowed to normal now but the few hours he had been conscious seems to have worn him out.

“You’re not being punished Josh.” Sam told him, looking down at the man in his lap.

“Then why do you want me to stay here? You guys are going to be talking about me. Shouldn’t I be there to defend myself?”

“You have nothing to defend Josh. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Josh scoffed and pushed himself up off Sam’s lap, looking at him with a quirked brow. “We both know that’s not true.”

Sam just shook his head, too tired to argue. “We’ll discuss that later. Right now though I want you to rest.”

“Isn’t that what I’ve been doing for the last month? Resting?” Josh bit out ineffectively. Sam just stared him in the eyes for a few moments before Josh’s eyes tightly closed and he collapsed back onto the bed, all the energy he had spent.

Sam reached out to him, placing his hand on the side of Josh’s face and running his thumb over his boney cheek and sharp jaw. The stubble beneath his palm tickled and scratched his palm a bit and Sam gave a small smile knowing that Josh was going to have to grow a beard for a bit. Josh hated having too much facial hair but Sam didn’t trust him with a razor.

He heard Donna moving around outside the bedroom and Sam looked over irritated, making sure she wasn’t loitering around the door. Her presence wasn’t wanted here, at least by him. He was angry at her for lying to him for weeks just to keep him away. He was angry that she had allowed Josh to get to where he was now. Not as her boss but as the friend she had claimed she was.

“What are you going to talk about?” Josh mumbled tiredly, falling asleep to Sam’s relief. The thought of just closing his own eyes and falling asleep with Josh beside him so appealing he could feel his body ache and his eyes droop. He was emotionally and physically exhausted from the day.

“Nothing of any great importance Josh. We’re just gonna have a little chat while you sleep.”

“Don’t be mad at her. She did her best.”

‘Her best obviously wasn’t good enough’ Sam thought to himself. He opened his mouth to say more but when he looked down beside him Josh’s eyes were closed and his breathing seemed to be evening out as he drifted to sleep. Sam reached out gently and moved some hair had covered part of Josh’s face to the side. “It’ll be ok.” He whispered before getting up.

Sam closed the door behind him, leaving it open enough to hear any sound that would alert him to any distress from Josh before heading to the living room. Donna sat silently on the couch staring off into space as he approached her, choosing to sit in the plush chair near her. He silently watched her for a few minutes as she clenched her hand tightly into fists before releasing them repeatedly.

“Is he going to be ok?” She asked chewing her bottom lip, sensing his presence.

“I don’t know.” He answered, irked at the glare as she looked at him.

“How could you not know?”

“Well not being a doctor…

“But you’ve been with him all day!”

Sam sat up in his chair angrily, gritting his teeth. “And you’ve been with him every day since I left so don’t get pissed off at me for something you failed to do.”

“I didn’t fail to do anything Sam. I tried my best. I couldn't stop what was happening to him. The whole White House was falling apart and I had-”

“You had to take care of him Donna! You’re his senior assistant. Your first job is always supposed to be Josh!” He stood up and walked a few feet away from the stunned face from Donna. “Not only that you claim to be his friend and you just sat back with the others and watched him fall further and further away.”

A sob escaped from Donna and she once again covered her face with her hands. Sam felt bad about what he had said but he refused to apologize. He was a smart guy, he knew that with Josh benched she would have been assigned other work, work that Josh should have been doing but was instead given to someone else. And not just any other someone else. Leo had brought in an outsider for the task.

Her sobbing went on for a while and all Sam would do is sit in the chair again and watch her, legs crossed until she was done. His nerves were fried and any empathy he had left for the day were being saved for if Josh woke up.

“I didn’t know what to do.” She gasped lowering her hands. Her face was wet and red as she pleaded with her eyes for Sam to understand.

“That’s what pisses me off the most Donna.” Sam ground out. “All you had to do was tell me the truth.”

“Tell you do the truth?” Donna derided raising her chin up. “And what would you have done? You are an outsider Sam, what would you have done? Who are you to Josh that you think you’re presence is even needed.”

The words hit him harm but Sam being a lawyer didn’t show any reaction. It hurt that he was now considered an outsider. He had been one of the inner circles, someone who had known things before the rest of the country, had the ear of the President. Now he was an outsider who didn’t even deserve the courtesy of knowing if his friends were ok or not.

“I could have come here sooner. I could have helped him sooner.” Replied evenly, forcing the memories of earlier that day when Josh was in some state of a coma with dust covering him.

They sat in silence after that, neither wanting to say anything more. Sam wanted Donna to just leave so he had time to think. So he had time to double check that there weren’t any obvious items littering the apartment which Josh could use. He wanted to go back into the bedroom and lay next to Josh and watch him sleep, afraid if he took his eyes off him for a moment he would disappear.

“What are you going to do?” Donna asked quietly, breaking the silence. Sam looked over at her, her brows furrowed as she watched him with concern.

“I don’t know yet.” He replied simply, his hands on his lap twitching.

“Well we need to come up with a plan.”

“‘We’ Donna? There is no ‘we’.” he calmly said.

“We all want to help Sam. You can’t just cut us out like that. We care about Josh too.”

“Yes, you guys really showed him how much you care.”

The silence stretched out again as Donna once again looked scolded. She was right though, he had to come up with a plan. He had been so terrified about what he would find, and then dealing with what he did that other than ‘get to Josh quickly’ he didn’t have anything after that.

“I’ll call Dr. Keyworth in the morning.” She said as Sam quirked his brow.

“Doesn't he work in California?”

“Yeah but he does phone sessions with Josh occasionally. I think he’s still seeing the President though. I saw him leave a couple of days ago.”

Sam sat up further in the chair and lifted his hand to his mouth, rubbing his fingers across his lips as he thought, a plan formulating in his mind. He wondered if the man was still in Washington, and if he was, if he’d have a few moments to spare to see Josh. He also wondered if Josh's reaction and the thought of being taken to see a therapist, even one he’s been using for the last few years.

“Can I see Josh?” Donna asked, scooting to the edge of her seat to stand. Sam shook his head and lowered his hand back to the arm of the chair.

“He’s asleep.”

“It’ll only be a moment, I just want to make sure he’s alright.” She insisted.

“Donna I think it’s time you leave. I’ll talk to Josh in the morning and if he wants to see you I’ll give you a call.”

Donna looked stunned at him. “Are you throwing me out? Of Josh’s apartment?”

“Yes I am.”

“You have no right to Sam!” She shouted causing Sam to freeze for a moment to listen if it woke Josh up. When he was confident his friend was still asleep he stood from the chair and walked over to Donna. Grabbing her arm he forced her to stand up before releasing it and stepping into her space.

“This is serious Donna.” He whispered harshly. “Josh is sick and it’s not something as simple as the flu or when he was shot.”

“Sam...I-”

“I know you want to help him Donna. As pissed off as I am at all of you I know you all are going to want to help, and he’s going to need it. But for tonight, I need you to just leave. Quietly. It's been a very long day and Josh needs rest and I need it too in order to be able to help him.”

Donna stared at him for a few beats and he stared her down. She blinked a few times before lowering her head with a nod of acquiesce. Sam felt relief as he took a few steps away from her to let her pass towards the door. She picked up her coat and her bag and reached for the doorknob only to pause before looking back at him.

“I’ll call Dr. Keyworth in the morning. Should I give him your number or have him call Josh.”

“Call me.”

“Okay” she said with another nod as she turned the knob and opened the door and without a backwards glance she was gone.

Sam stood there for a few minutes, listening to all the sounds around him. They were all soft and he couldn’t identify some of them but it didn’t bother him. He began flipping all the lights off and locking the door before heading to the kitchen to clean up only to find that Donna had cleaned up the mess Josh had made already. Sam felt bad about the way he treated Donna debated calling her to apologize, but his body ached and he was exhausted from the emotional ups and downs he experienced all day.

Without a second thought Sam headed towards Josh’s bedroom. He paused at the doorway and leaned against it watching Josh sleep. He was surprised how soundly he was sleeping and knowing that it wouldn’t keep. They had a long way to go before Josh was anything like his old self.

Sam walked further into the room unbuttoning his shirt as he went. He dropped it neatly on a chair in the corner, a few moments later his pants joined it. He crawled to the other side of the bed in his undershirt and boxers, gently dropping himself upon the soft mattress internally giving a groan as his body relaxed in pleasure. ‘I have to ask where he got this thing’ he thought, turning over on his side.

As if knowing Sam was there Josh mumbled something unintelligible and turned over so he was facing Sam. The motion made Sam smile, wanting nothing more right then but to reach out and place his arms protectively around Josh until everything was right in the world. But he held still and just watched his friend.

“I don’t know what we’re going to do.” He whispered allowing his eyelids to close. “We’ll come up with a plan tomorrow.”

In no time at all Sam was sound asleep.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Please read and review. 
> 
> I'm also looking for another fic. Its one where Josh is recovering from being shot and each of the senior staff take a turn watching him so Donna could get a break or something. I'd love to re-read that!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I re-wrote this like 3 times. Please read and review. It makes me happy.

Chapter 11

Darkness surrounded him as his mind came to consciousness. He felt his heart jump in his chest at not being able to see, afraid of what might be lurking in the dark. The last thing he could remember was falling asleep talking to Sam. He remembered the feel of his hands as they gently stroked his head and Josh believed that he could faintly still smell the scent that was distinctly Sam.

'Was Sam real?' He asked himself trying to catch a memory in the dark. Trying to find something tangible to support that it wasn’t just a dream or vision.

‘Does it matter?’ A voice echoed across his mind. He supposed not. But the thought of Sam had given him a sliver of hope in the darkness and Josh grasped at it like straws. 

He remembered waking up and seeing Sam near him. He had been confused then, seeing him there. Josh would like to think he would remember something as important as Sam coming to town, but he’s forgotten so much lately he had shrugged it off. He remembered the worried expression that never seemed to leave the man's face though he tried. 

There was a bath with water so warm it almost took the eternal cold that he felt away. There was a hot mug of some kind of a beverage that gave feeling back to his fingers and felt good in his lungs as he inhaled the steam. 

Josh didn't trust these memories though. They had fooled him too many times in the recent past. Everything had been in a fog with nothing in focus. There was no end and no beginning to his memories of the past…

‘How long has it been?’ He asked himself. ‘How long has the seconds, minutes, and days blended into a timeless bundle?’ 

His heart sank at that and he felt himself blink despite the darkness and just let his body float into the nothingness. It didn't matter, there was nothing to see, nothing to feel outside the bleak coldness that surrounded him.

The feeling of being abandoned encompassed him and caused an ache in his stomach. Despite his ‘bulldog’ exterior he was known for in politics he was a fiercely loyal guy. He’d stand by his friends through anything. He thought they would for him as well. 

‘It was too much.’ His mind supplied. ‘You took too much and they had no more to give you.’

It must have been true. He knew he was needy, he knew he was too much to handle at times. That was why when Donna came in off the street and hired herself, the others balked at first but seeing how she handled him, started keeping him in line, calm, organized, nobody protested her lack of qualifications or experience. Having her there meant they didn’t have to handle him anymore. It's been true since with the exception of the first few weeks after he’d been shot.

‘You should have died then you know.’ The voice said. ‘It would have saved them so much drama afterwards. It would have saved them from the hell you are putting them through now.’

‘Or maybe you are already dead and just don’t know it.’ Another voice cut in.

Josh’s heart paused at that. Perhaps his mother was right. Perhaps he was dead. She had said she wanted to mourn the passing of her family while she waited for her own end. Did that conversation really happen? Or was it just his mind filling in some piece that was missing. Telling him what was wrong with him. Telling him that he was dead and to accept that.

It was something he had thought of a lot during that one Christmas, when he thought he had been losing his mind. Everything had felt out of sorts and unreal. It had been difficult to tell which was reality at times, the cold pavement beneath him with sirens singing out at a blinding pitch or his chair in his office where he could hear carols from horns and bagpipes being echoed through the halls. He had felt as if he were literally going insane during that time.

With being forced into the daylong session with Stanley followed by therapy with another person the sounds of the shooting that sounded both real and otherworldly had begun to fade. He no longer heard the sounds so loud. No more beeping of a heart monitor, no soft murmurings of people and the ghost like feeling of someone holding his hand. He didn’t think much of it at the time but now he wondered if the loss of those sounds and feelings meant that he hadn’t survived the shooting after all and that he was now trapped in some kind of imagined reality that was now forcing him to face the truth. 

Josh didn't believe in ghosts, though as he lay there in the nothing he wondered if perhaps he was one. Or was this the afterlife? Just a blank canvas of black nothing with only your mind. Or perhaps this was hell. As a Jew he didn’t really believe in the concept but enough religions had one that it made him think. Or perhaps because he didn’t believe in hell he was now floating in limbo. The place in between. Not good enough for heaven but not bad enough for eternal flames. 

"Josh? You need to wake up." A voice echoed in his head. "Come on Josh."

Sam? It was Sam! Josh’s heart picked up at the sound but Josh couldn't get to him. Sam's voice was muddled as if he were speaking to him under water. He could barely hear it through the fuzz that was his mind.

'I'm here!' He shouted. But he received no response from Sam. His friend couldn't hear him. Was he really there or was it another trick of his mind.

"He is severely malnourished." Another voice said. Josh could feel someone gently touching his arm but could not reach back. He tried reaching out to grasp the person’s hand but his limbs refused to move and he gasped for breath in fear.

'Sam!' He shouted again.

"Josh, its Stan Keyworth. Can you squeeze my hand or blink if you can hear me?" Josh tried both, but Stan didn't see or feel anything based off his reaction. He tried it over and over again, hoping that one of the times the doctor would see something or feel something even if it was faint. Josh was scared and he felt alone and he didn’t want to be there anymore. 

'This isn't real.' His mind supplied and his heart sank further.

‘It has to be.’ He replied. ‘I can feel them. I can hear them’. But he knew he shouldn't have put any hope into it. Knowing it was just another lie. Knowing there was nothing else but this eternal blackness around him.

So he gave up and just lay there in the darkness and silently floated to nothing, waiting for whatever is to happen to do so. He didn't want to stay there. He couldn’t stand hearing and feeling Sam so close only for it to be a trick. He wanted to be someplace else, someplace warm, someplace where he wasn't so lonely.

And as if someone turned on a switch, Josh blinked again and the lights came on.

**************

"No" Sam said firmly, crossing one leg over the other and settling back against the couch. He stared at the man, Dr. Stanley Keyworth, hating how the man could look so calm and relaxed in the chair across from him as he spoke to Sam.

"It’s for the best."

"It’s not going to happen." Sam replied. This man, this doctor wants to put Josh in a hospital and that just wasn't going to fly with him. Josh hated hospitals with a passion and putting him in a psychiatric one will kill whatever chance of a career Josh may be able to salvage on top of whatever else he would think, like he was being abandoned and left to rot someplace out of the way.

"It is going to happen Sam. Neither of you have a choice in this."

"What does that mean?" Sam asked bewildered. He stared hard at the man, his jaw clenched in frustration. 

"It means based off my short examination of Josh I've determined that he's a danger to himself and possibly others." Stanley said sitting back in the chair crossing his own legs. 

Sam scoffed in annoyance. Sure Josh could run circles around a republican and verbally beat anyone into submission but that was the extent of the danger. The only thing anyone should worry about was a verbal assault. You should only be worried if you're republican. Or if you hurt someone he cared about. 

Sam thought back to that time three years previous where one of Donna’s dates had gotten a little rough with her. Josh had been livid and wisely Donna refused to disclose the man’s name to Josh. Somehow though he had found out. None were surprised afterwards though that he had found out. It had taken both Sam and Toby to stop him from leaving the West Wing.

"Josh wouldn't hurt anybody."

"I believe you're right on that but he can and has hurt himself and I have no reason to believe he won't continue to do so."

"So your answer is to lock him up!"

"No, my answer is to get him help."

Sam looked down at his hands in his lap. He didn't want to have this discussion. He was regretting having the doctor come over. He was scared because Josh had been staring vacantly into nothing again when he had woken up that morning, and has so far been unsuccessful and snapping Josh out of it.

Mostly he was sad that Dr. Keyworth was right. Josh has hurt himself badly. Josh was scared and burned with a few puncture holes that Sam believed were from needle marks but refused to ask him. He knew what Dr. Keyworth was saying. Josh was most likely kill himself. Whether on purpose or on accident. 

"What if he refuses to go?" He finally asked as the silence stretched on.

"He won’t be able to Sam." Stanley said calmly. "The hospital will send people to subdue and collect him." That would not go well. Josh did not like being cornered, he did not like being restrained. Sam had no doubt in his mind that Josh would struggle with whatever strength he could muster and it will end up in him possibly severely hurting himself in his current state.

"You have no right-"

"As a psychologist, I've determined he's a danger Sam. That allows the hospital 30 days to hold him and d0 assessments to present to the court proving that he's not competent enough to make decisions for himself."

"Not competent? Wha-"

"Which is why it would be better if he voluntarily committed himself and have a power of attorney make the decisions for him."

Sam bit his bottom lip as thought that over. Either way Josh would have to go into a hospital. There was no way around that it seemed. He didn't know who held POA over Josh. It was most likely his mother but knowing Josh it could also be Leo or Mrs. Bartlett. 

"I want to take him to California." He said softly, looking up to the doctor again. "I think it would be better for him to get away from here." Sam had come to the decision this morning as he sat and stared out the window with a mug of tea. He wanted to get Josh out of D.C.and let him heal away from the political eyes that were everywhere. Sam felt the warm weather and the sun would do Josh some good, bring him back to some semblance of health. 

"He can be transferred to a facility in California Sam. But you'll need to deal with whoever has the right to make decisions for him. The hospital is legally obligated to follow the directions of whoever has it so if that person says no, Josh will have to stay here."

"I'll get it. Don't worry."

A slight thump behind Sam caught his attention and he quickly turned his head to see Josh slowly making his way sleepily over to them. He felt relief flood through his body at seeing him, the fear from before receding. The vacant stare and the stillness of his friend scared him more than he’d ever realize. It was an unnatural state for Josh. 

"Hey you." He said softly to Josh as the man approached with shuffled feet to the couch. He went to stand up only to have Josh stumble slightly, pushing him back down before dropping himself on the cushion next to him.

Sam reached out and gently tucked away a few stray hairs that were sticking out behind Josh's ears. Nothing else seemed to matter to him right now. His attention was solely on Josh, he was Sam's only concern right now and his mind raced as he thought about getting food for josh, getting him a drink, perhaps a blanket as the thin man shivered a bit next to him.

"What time is it?" Josh mumbled out almost incoherently.

"It’s just past 1PM. I thought you were going to sleep all day at this point." He smiled lightly as Josh brought his legs up on the couch and curled in a ball facing Sam. He laid his cheek against the back of the couch, his eyes still slightly vacant Sam noticed.

"'m sorry. I couldn't wake up." He mumbled again. "I tried to but I just..."

"It’s ok Josh. You need your rest. Want me to make you some tea and toast? Donna stopped by early this morning with some groceries."

Josh shook his head no and closed his eyes. It caused Sam great pain to see his friend so weak again. It wasn't the same as when he was recovering from being shot though. The immobility of his recovery had scared him then, that such an active man was forced to remain still. That any movement caused him pain. Now it was self-inflicted, mostly at least. Somehow this time it hurt Sam more to watch and cursed himself for not coming sooner. 

Though Sam didn't believe Josh had much if any choice in putting himself in his current condition. While Sam had never been in any sort of predicament as Josh was in, nor was he a psychiatrist, but he had no doubt that whatever mental illness was plaguing Josh was what was controlling him and his actions. It was more than just having Josh stop hurting himself. To start eating again. To get out of his head and become a functioning member of society again. Josh had no control. The whole thing made Sam feel hopeless, unsure about how he could help his friend. How do you help someone who doesn’t have complete control of their actions?

"How'd he get here?" Josh asked softly, moving only his eyes to the direction of Stanley.

Sam turned his head towards Stanley. The man was sitting there, still calmly, observing Josh. It makes his stomach sick knowing that soon he would be taking Josh away. Away from his home, away from society, away from Sam. His mind raced with ideas on how to prevent it from happening but nothing plausible came to mind. A quiet voice in the back of his mind telling him that it was what Josh needed anyways. 

Turning back to Josh he tried to school his face into a neutral expression, not wanting to alert or alarm Josh. He had a better poked face than his friend but Josh had always been able to read him like a book. "Donna called him this morning." he informed. "I'm over my head here and need some direction on how to help you."

"You should be in California being a big shot lawyer." Josh said with a small smile as his eyes closed.

"I know but I couldn't leave you here, I was too worried."

"Stanley here to force me into therapy again?"

Sam's breath hitched at the casualness of Josh's words, knowing that he was close enough to the truth but afraid of how Josh would react to what Stanly really had planned.

"Something like that." He whispered.

Josh pushed himself up using the back of the couch for support. His boney arm was trembling with the effort causing Sam to look away.

"I'm fine Stanley." Josh told him. "Things got a little out of hand but I'll be fine."

"A little out of hand? Josh, I doubt you weigh more than 130 pounds. You have scars and burns up and down your arms."

‘Amongst the rest of him.’ Sam thought but kept his mouth shut. He already felt like he was betraying his best friend.

"They're old..."

"Not all of them." Stanley argued.

Josh sat in silence while Sam bit his tongue, forcing himself to stay out of it for the moment. He had already tried vehemently to convince the doctor that Josh would be fine and failed. Now it was Josh's turn, but with each passing minute, with each soft spoken exhausted word, Sam began to see what Stanley did. Josh wasn’t ok and the fear inside him burned painfully. 

"Fine, I'll go back to therapy." Josh gave in.

"Josh, that won't be enough this time." Stanley said with a sad sigh.

Sam reached out for Josh's hand, holding it tightly. Meeting his friends eyes, the furrowed brow gave Josh understanding that something was about to happen and Sam could see the panic start to slowly fill his friend. He grasped his hand tighter, conveying through it strength and courage.

"Wha...what do you mean?"

"It means Josh that I'm having you admitted to a psychiatric hospital-"

"No!"

"-I've determined you are a danger to yourself."

"No! No. I'm not going. I'm not going to be committed to some asylum!" Josh yelled

"Josh-"

"No."

"Josh-"

"I said no! Just no." Josh ripped his hand away from Sam's and immediately Sam felt the loss. He reached out to Josh again as he stood, crossing his arms over his chest and walked away a few feet.

"You don't have a choice Josh-"

"Oh the hell I do!"

"The hospital can have you admitted without your consent for thirty days but Josh, It would be a lot easier if you would just go in voluntarily." Stanley said, repeating everything he had said to Sam previously.

"No. No." Josh repeated gasping back a sob. "I can't go there. It’s not...I don't...no!"

"Josh you-"

"I’ll kill myself." Josh said, his brows shooting up, challenging them. Daring Stanley to take him. Sam's heart stopped at the words, staring aghast at the man he loved. "You force me to go and I’ll just find a way to end it."

"Threatening to hurt yourself is not a valid argument to change my opinion. It just emphasizes the need to do so." Stanley said calmly.

Josh gave a derisive laugh as he ran a hand down his face than through his hair. It was a gesture that Josh had done all the time but now with his face red and blotchy with tears and his body so thin and frail it looked as if his clothes were swallowing him up, it just made him look more vulnerable. His body was noticeably shuddering so much Sam wasn't sure how Josh was still standing and he wanted to be there if he fell.

"I assure you Stanley I do not make threats lightly. Like my promises I always aim to follow through."

"Can you give us a few minutes Dr. Keyworth?" Sam asked as he stood up and moved between the two men. There wouldn't be any physical blows but he wanted to block Josh's view, afraid of what else he may say.

"Yeah, I'll just step out and make a few calls." Stanley said after a beat, conveying to Sam though his eyes on what the call would be about.

Sam stared towards the door for a few moments after Stanley left, his mind reeling and his emotions heightened. Never in his life had he been in a situation such as this and he felt lost and out of control. In the back of his mind he wondered if this was how Josh felt.

At the sound of a soft thump behind him Sam turned around to find Josh having collapsed in a heap on the floor. His shoulders and head was bent as his left hand danced upon his temple. Approaching him Sam could hear the deep gasps of breath from the hunched man and he sat down on the floor in front of him.

"Oh Josh." He said gently, reaching out to wipe a few tears from the man's cheek with his thumb. Josh looked up at him then, and his expression broke Sam's heart. It was one of sadness and confusion. Of pain, of being lost.

Without a second thought Sam wrapped his arms around Josh and held him closely to his body, resting his chin atop the man’s head and taking deep breaths to calm the tears that burned his own eyes.

"I can't go there Sam, I can't." He mumbled into Sam's shoulder. "Please don't make me go."

"Shhh, it'll be alright." He attempted to sooth, but deep down he didn't know if that would be true or not. He was afraid. Afraid of what would happen if he let Josh out of his sight. He was afraid that Josh would follow through with his threat and end his life if taken to the hospital.

Josh pulled back from him and Sam immediately felt the loss of Josh's body against his. Josh's eyes were wild, a stark contrast from this morning and Sam cursed himself for bringing Stanley over. This wasn’t the way he had planned it to go. He didn’t really have a plan exactly but he knew this was not how he wanted it to go.

"You have to help me Sam." Josh pleaded hoarsely, more tears falling, his face becoming redder.

"Listen-"

"Please! Sam Please." He sobbed more. "You have to help me Sam. I can't go back there. Please. Please, please, please, I can't-"

Sam's heart hammered as Josh pleaded, seeing Josh get more and more hysterical with each word. Panic settled into his own stomach, never believing before that someone could harm themselves just by being emotional but the more agitated Josh became the more fear he felt.

"Josh, Listen! I need you to listen to me!" Sam shouted over Josh's cries, reaching out both hands to both sides of Josh's face to hold him still. "Shhh, Josh, it'll be ok, I need you to listen. Shhhh Josh. Calm down. Shhhhh" He repeated the words several times softly and evenly effectively calming Josh down.

After several minutes the only thing to be heard from Josh was sniffling and hiccups from crying so hard. Sam stroked his fingers along Josh's temple, his thumb tracing comforting circles on his cheeks until Sam was sure he had his friend’s attention.

"Josh, I need you to listen, can you do that?" He asked in the same soothing voice. Josh opened his mouth but Sam shushed him again and continue his ministrations to his temples.

"I'm scared Josh. I am so scared, and I’m lost and I don't know what to do." Sam started, stopping Josh from attempting to speak once more before continuing. "I want to help you, but I don't know how. And I don't think I’ll be able to. I know you don't want to go-"

"No Sam..."

"Shh. Listen. I know you don't want to go. And I don't want you to go either. But neither of us are equipped right now to handle the situation. We need help.”

"I can't go Sam. You don't understand. I can't be locked away again." 'Again?' Sam thought, but shoved that piece of information away for the moment.

"You won't be locked away. I won’t let you.” He assured. “I want to take you to California. There are a lot of good places out there, and I want the best care for you."

"So you're just going to lock me away in one prison only to be locked away in another on the other side of the country?"

"I don't want you locked up Josh. Stanley is going to admit you regardless and he's right about voluntarily doing so would be better, but not for the same reasons as his. I want you to admit yourself because you know you're sick and that you need help.

"I go in there and I’ll be under their care Sam. You don't understand how that system works. They could label me incompetent of making good decisions and keep me there. Forever!"

"No, no they won’t Josh. I won’t let them." Sam stated firmly, conveying through his conviction to Josh that he would not allow that. He would not allow him to just be locked up forever.

"And how do you propose to do that?"

"Because I'm going to be the one to make the decisions for you." He said. He watched Josh gulp, his adam's apple bobbing with the motion. 

"Sam..." Josh sighed sitting back away from Sam's reach. His hands dropped down to the ground as if they were rocks and itched to put them back, wanting the connection to Josh that he just had.

"Just while you're there Josh. I talked it over with Stanley. I'll get the power of attorney and make the decisions for you. I will protect you Josh. I will make sure you get out of there." He licked his drying lips as he watched Josh for any indication that what he was saying was getting through to him. "All I need and want you to do Josh is focus on getting better."

"Better." Josh barked a derisive laugh. "It doesn't matter."

"It does matter Josh."

"No it doesn't. Not anymore." He sniffed. "Everything’s gone. I've screwed everything up again and this time there is no fix. It’s pointless. I’m pointless."

"Don't say that!" Sam yelled, closing the divide between them and once again holding Josh's face in his hands. "Don't you EVER say that! Do you hear me? I does matter. It matters to me. And there’s no pointlessness to it at all."

Josh shoved Sam away and unsteadily stood up. He walked a few feet away towards a window. Sam watched him in silence, posed to get to him if Josh decided to put his fist through it again.

"Why does it matter to you Sam?" He said sadly. "You left. You started a new life away from us...away from me. Why does it matter now?"

"Because I love you Josh." Sam said simply, as if it should have been obvious. But that was dumb thinking on his part.

The memory of their first night flashed before him and he knew that it wouldn't have been obvious to Josh. To the man who had cried and became inconsolable with apologies after that blissful night, ashamed of what he had done. Who had trembled and silently punished himself in the times after. Sam had never allowed himself to really think about it, afraid that just the thought would hurt Josh more. That for some reason Josh could not manage to come to terms with who he was and it pained him to the point where he felt it was necessary for him to scar himself as punishment.

He watched Josh's reflection in the mirror, brows furrowed as he covered his mouth with a hand to stop a sob from escaping. Sam wanted to grab ahold of him and protect him from the world but knew it would be rejected right now.

"That's so cruel." Josh softly cried out as he took a deep breath.

"Josh-"

“It’s not enough that I’m stuck here for eternity? There has to be cruelty involved?”

“Josh I don-”

"You'll need to go through my lawyers." Josh said turning around. He dropped the hand that had covered his mouth, his other hand clenched in a tight fist at his side. "Donna has the information you need."

Sam blinked a few times, wanting to dig further into what just happened but thought better of it for now. "It would be faster if I just went to the person."

"No, no, you have to go through the lawyer. I'll admit myself to this hospital but you have to go through them.” He stated, leaving no room for argument. “You may be able to inflict cruel words and actions on me but even here in hell I can't and won’t inflict it on others. Let her mourn her family." Without a glance towards Sam he walked away back towards the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read and review. It makes me happy.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Though I shouldn't have to say it: I'm not a doctor, lawyer, politition, or anything. Everything is made up so just go with the flow. Please Read and Review!

Chapter 12

It was difficult to watch Josh get into the car with Dr. Keyworth. Sam had wanted to take Josh himself to the hospital, allowing the two of them to talk further. He had so many questions that needed some form of answer.

After Josh went to his bedroom Sam had been frozen in place on the floor. His arms still limp at his side as he stared at the place Josh had just stood. He didn't understand half of what Josh had been saying and desperately wanted and needed some form of explanation. Though knowing Josh there would be no answers. He would just brush Sam off until it got to the point where he would just close himself off from Sam completely, effectively halting any further conversation.

Josh hadn't said a word to Sam as he sat hunched on the edge of the bed with his hands in his lap. His eyes were wide as he stared at the floor and gently rocked himself. Sam had tried engaging Josh in packing, asking what he wanted or needed to take with him, but it was no use and in the end it had been up to Sam to pack Josh's bag.

Dr. Keyworth had vetoed Sam's request to take Josh himself, stating it would be best for the both of them that he took Josh instead. Dr. Keyworth believed that it would be harder for Josh to sign the papers needed to commit himself if Sam was there waiting and willing to take him away. And while Sam knew it needed to be done and wanted it to be so, he was under no illusion that once they were there and looked around, that Josh’s sad pleading eyes would cause him to whisk the other man away without a blink.

So Sam couldn't fault Dr. Keyworth for that logic.

Still, as Sam stood on the curb, helping Josh get into the car, it was hard for him to let go. Josh's fear from before made him nauseous. It has been so real and so palpable. If he had the choice Sam would have told Dr. Keyworth no and to look for another option. But there was no time, there was no option to say no. Dr. Keyworth had made it abundantly clear that Josh was going into a hospital that day.

"I'll come see you tonight." Sam said as he crouched down to Josh. He looked so small in the passenger seat of the car, so frail. Sam hoped they had a safe journey for the seat belt didn't seem enough to protect his friend.

"You won't be able to see him for a few days Sam." Dr. Keyworth said from the driver's seat. "There's a 72 hour period after admittance in order to assess the situation and develop a preliminary plan. It also helps the patients acclimate into their new environment."

Sam resisted rolling his eyes and reaching over Josh to gouge the man's eyes out. He had just about enough of Dr. Keyworth but Josh trusted him. Donna trusted him. Hell even the President was using him as a personal shrink.

"Fine, then I'll see you in 72 hours." He stated to Josh, reaching up his hand to gently run his fingers through his hair. "I promise you Josh." And he meant it. He meant what he had said earlier. There was no way he was going to leave Josh in the hands of the medical environment. He would be sure Josh would come home.

Josh didn't say anything back, just gave a sad look at Sam before giving a slight nod. The fear was still palpable coming from Josh, but he appeared to trust Sam enough to help him. It wasn't something Sam took lightly, especially now when to Josh it seemed all the world had abandoned him.

Sam stood on the curb, arms crossed over his chest as he watched the car drive down the street then turn out of sight. His mind raced with thoughts of what needed to be done. He made a mental checklist as he ascended the stairs back up to Josh's third story apartment.

He needed to pack a few more things for Josh, things that he knew the other man would want. Items that could not be used to hurt himself with. He packed a few more sweaters and some comfortable track pants for him along with some extra socks and underwear. He packed the teddy bear that was sitting on his dresser from when Donna gave it to him several years ago for Valentine’s Day.

The apartment felt empty without Josh there. It was too quiet, seemed to sterile somehow. Sam remembered all the times they had been there watching games, working, relaxing. Several of those times the night ended with them fucking on the couch or in the bed that he sat on right then. Now they just seemed like ghosted memories.

His phone rang then, breaking him away from his own thoughts. His heart leaped thinking it could be Josh though knowing it was too soon. That he was calling for a last request to bring something or just to admit he was scared. But looking down at the screen Sam sighed at seeing Donna's name appear.

"Hey." He answered with a sigh.

"Hey, how did it go this morning?"

"Not so well." Sam admitted. They both lapsed into silence for several moments.

"So what happened? Is Josh ok?" She pressed. Sam kept quiet not sure if he couldn't or wouldn't tell her more. He was still so angry at them all. "Sam?"

"Look, I don't really want to talk about it right now, especially over the phone."

"Then put Josh on the phone."

Sam sneered. "You think he would take your call? Talk to you?"

Donna didn't say anything after that and a moment later Sam felt a little guilty for what he said. He wondered if perhaps she had hung up on him, god knows he would have, but a soft sniff from the other side of the line told him otherwise.

"I'm sorry Donna. It's just been...it’s been a rough morning." 

"Is he there? Is he home?"

"No. He just left."

"Left? Where'd he go?" Her voice raised over the phone and Sam pinched the bridge of his nose feeling a migraine coming on.

"Look, Donna. Josh said you had the information to contact his lawyers."

"Why does he need his lawyer? Is he in some kind of trouble?"

Sam fell back onto the bed exhausted. It had been a trying day and all he wanted at that very moment was to get off the phone and curl back into Josh's bed and sleep. His body, mind, and soul was screaming for some rest before it took on the monumental task of Josh.

"Donna, do you have it or not?"

"Of course I do. Tell me what's happening."

"I'll be by later to get it." He told her eyes closing. "I'll also need his mother's phone number."

"I already tried calling her. Her number is disconnected." Donna said worriedly. "All her numbers are. Do you think something happened to her?"

'God I hope not.' Sam said to himself sitting up. That would be the last thing any of them needs. Josh losing his mother while in his current state would be devastating to the man in a way that there was no recovering from. Sam would lose Josh permanently, and that thought scared him.

"I'm sure she's fine Donna. But I gotta go. I'll stop by the White House later, maybe you can put me on the visitors list to get in this time."

"Alright Sam. Just, don't wait too late. We'll know in a few hours if we have a budget or if we shut down."

'Great.' He thought as he disconnected.

*****************

Getting an appointment to see Leo last minute was easier than Sam thought it would be. With the entire government about to shut down that night Sam figured he'd not get one until everything was solved. But after a brief hold Margaret had told him to just come in anytime.

He wasn't under any illusions, Sam knew that Leo and the others wanted to know what was happening with Josh. He debated how much to tell them. As friends, more like family, they deserved to know what was happening. To know that Josh isn't ok and that Sam felt fear and panic when his phone rings, wondering if it's the hospital to tell them something had happened.

Josh's words still echoed in Sam's mind. He said he would kill himself if they made him go. That he didn't break promises. It had scared Sam to his core and even now as he entered the hallowed entrance to the West Wing, he could see Josh's trembling body, arms crossed, agitated and saying the words so casually. The man had proven since who knows when that he could harm himself at any time. The scars and burns that littered his body was proof of that, and it made Josh’s threat even more frightening.

As he approached the security desk he was surprised to see Margarete standing next to it already, his appointment visitors pass clutched in her hands. She handed it to him and told him to follow her. It took Sam a moment to get over the shock of Margaret not immediately giving him gossip or ranting about the cereal in the mess halls. She was silent as she passed communication with Sam in toe to Leo's office.

"You can wait inside, Leo will be in shortly." She said, hand still on the doorknob. "Can I get you anything? Coffee? Snack?"

"No thank you Margarete." He replied, and with a nod she closed the door.

Sitting on a chair in front of Leo's desk Sam gave took a deep breath as his eyes roamed the room looking for any changes. It looked the same as it did over a year ago when he last stepped into the office. The door to his left was cracked open, indicating that Leo was probably in with the President.

A soft knock startled him out of his reverie before the door opened. Expecting Margaret to come in he was a little surprised to see Donna stick her blonde head in the room followed by the rest of her as she noticed Leo wasn't there yet.

"Where's Josh?" Donna started immediately as she approached Sam. Standing up he fought an annoyed sigh, he’d been hoping to put this confrontation off for a little longer.

"He's safe." He answered, but the furrow of her brow advised him it wasn't a good enough answer.

"Safe where? You didn't leave him alone at his apartment did you?"

"No, I didn't." He replied exasperated. "Look, I'm waiting for Leo an-"

"Than just tell me where he is!"

"Donna! For christ sake stop!" He shouted at her. Donna looked taken aback but still held her ground. She wasn’t easily intimidated by people. A trait that had attracted Josh to keep her. "Just, stop. You'll probably find out later."

"Then tell me now." She shouted. "Just tell me where Josh is. I have to know he's alright. He’s my boss and one of my best friends and I'm about to lose my mind with worry."

"Where was that worry last week when he left the White House and never returned?" He countered.

Donna stepped back from him, blinking as if she had been slapped. In a way he supposed she had been. He hadn't spent much if any time with their friends at the White House but he knew they were worried. At least now they were or appear to be. He wasn't intentionally keeping the information from Donna, but he felt he needed to talk to Leo first. Leo was the boss, he was the father figure in the group and he knew how close he had been to Josh before all this started. It was right to tell Leo first.

"Look, Donna. I know it's aggravating and I'm not helping it at the moment..." He started, looking away from her as he sat back down in the chair he vacated. "But everything is a mess right now. I'm going in a million different directions right now and it's only going to get worse."

"Then let us help you Sam. Let ME help you."

"I will need your help Donna, and soon, but right now I have something I need to do for Josh and that's the only thing of importance right now. Just, please, be patient a little while longer."

Donna stared at him with wide blue eyes and pursed lips in a way that Josh always stated creeped him out a bit. It was the look Donna gave when she was sizing you up, looking deep inside you. He originally never noticed it until Josh pointed it out one day after returning from Rosslyn. She would watch him closely and gage if he was working too hard or too much and needed a rest.

"Alright." She said simply after a minute of silence. Donna reached into her pocket and took out a folded post it, handing it to him. "The phone number and address to Josh's lawyers. You know, he never told me why they were in New York."

"Because it was part of the firm his father worked at." Leo's voice answered as he entered his office from the side door. "It was a large firm. Did everything. Litigation, contracts, investing. The firm protected its own and Noah was well liked."

"I didn't know that." Donna said softly, a small smile on the corner of her mouth. With one last glance at Sam she exited the room leaving Sam alone with Leo.

Sam observed Leo as the older man sat back warily in his chair behind his desk. He wondered how the man did it. How he could work so many hours with the world on his shoulders and not go crazy or worn down. For a moment, Sam felt guilty over having to add to the man’s pile. But the guilt was fleeting.

Breaking the silence Sam lifted a side of his suit jacket and grabbed an envelope. "This is Josh's letter of resignation."

"I won't accept it." Leo said not missing a beat.

"Leo, you really don't have much of a choice in this."

In defiance at being told what to do Leo picked up the envelope and started ripping it to shreds. "I will not accept it, and neither will the president. Is there a reason Josh isn't here to do this himself? Are you his lackey now?”

Anger began radiating in Sam, but being a lawyer he used all his training to keep his expression neutral. Instead he lazily crossed one leg over the other rest his arms on the armrests of the chair.

"You've made it perfectly clear to Josh that he was not wanted here." He stated as if he were defending a client, which in some way he guessed Josh was. Josh couldn't defend himself and Sam promised to do it for him. Make decisions for him. Help him.

"That still doesn't excuse him sending you here instead of doing it himself. As nice as it is to see you Sam you don't need to be doing Josh's dirty work."

"Josh currently isn't in a position to be here in person, though as I recall he did try giving you the letter several times over the last month." He said with an arched brow.

"So he sent a lawyer to do it? That's a move I wasn't expecting."

"I'm not here as his lawyer Leo, I'm here as a concerned friend."

"We're all concerned Sam."

"Not enough obviously."

Leo's jaw clenched as he sat up straight in his chair, giving Sam a hard look. "I'm sorry we're not available for every time Josh feels a little depressed but we do have a country to run here you know."

"Leo," Sam paused and took a deep breath. He was about to say the words that he thought over and over in his head but hadn't said allowed yet. He was about to end his best friend's career at the White House and possibly for politics in general.

"Sam, the government is about to shut down in the next two hours if we don't get some kind of resolution. That's thousands of people who won't be able to go to work to make the money they need to survive. Josh in the last month has done nothing to help the situation. In fact he's only made it worse and now we're going to get screwed with having to cut down to 5%." Leo seethed. "There are more important things than Josh-"

"He's in a hospital Leo." Sam interrupted, standing up from his chair. He toward over Leo's sitting form as he leaned on the desk.

"What?"

"Josh is in a hospital, some psychiatric place. Dr. Keyworth didn't really give him a choice."

Silence descended the room as Sam stared down Leo who matched him though looking taken aback. Sam didn't want to break the silence, he wanted Leo to. He wanted to hear what Leo would say, what he would do. It had been well known that Josh and Leo were close.

Josh had told him at some point that before he got into politics Leo practiced law and was in the same firm as his father. The two had become fast friends. Leo had been in Josh's life since he could remember. He was a second father to Josh, especially after his own had passed away, and it was obvious to anyone who knew them that Leo felt the same way.

So here Sam stood, meeting Leo eye to eye and waiting to see what would come next. What his reaction would be to hearing that his 'son' was broken and had to be hospitalized. 

To his disappointment the only reaction Leo gave was a heavy sigh as he broke eye contact with Sam and sat back into his chair again. The man looked more tired that Sam remembered, more wary. It amazed him that Leo was able to handle the position for 6 years when most chief of staff only last about 2.

"Where is he?" Leo asked, crossing one leg over the other. It was Sam's turn to be taken aback at the change of the emotions coming from him. Leo was just as hard to read as Josh was most of the time.

Standing up straight Sam stepped back from the desk a few paces before dropping himself heavily back into the hair. "In a hospital."

"I know that Sam, which one?"

"Leo, I don't Thi-"

"Damn it Sam. Just tell me the name of the place he's at." He shouted. "You know The First Lady will ask."

Giving a tired sigh himself Sam knew he was right. Mrs. Bartlett adored Josh. It baffled most people as Josh, while politically brilliant and worth listening to was very brash, egotistical, and short tempered with no fear of the consequences for what comes out of his mouth. But Mrs. Bartlett must have seen the other side of him. The side where he was calm and kind, loyal and faithful, and would move mountains to make someone he cares about smile.

He's at Greenbrier psychiatric clinic in Virginia." Sam answered. "But I would ask you not to call or visit quite yet. Apparently there's a 72 hour period where there's no contact with the outside."

"I should call his mother." Leo said absently before calling for Margaret. The redhead stepped into the room, looking fervently between the two men. "Get Josh's mother on the phone. Her name is Adira Lyman."

With a slight nod of her head the redhead left leaving the two men alone again. There was more he needed to tell Leo. He may be pissed off at his friends at the White House at the moment but they were still his friends and they deserved to know.

"Leo, both numbers I have for her are no longer valid." Margaret said popping in again. If he hadn't heard it from Donna earlier he might have been as bewildered as Leo was.

"Are you sure you called the right numbers?"

"No Leo. I've been dialing phone numbers for you for over 10 years and decided to just say ‘screw it’ this time. I can assure you I did not call the wrong numbers." She stated before exiting the room, leaving the two of them alone in the silence.

"Well...I'll track her down Sam." Leo assured him.

"Do you know who had the power of attorney over Josh?" Sam asked him.

"I believe that would be his mother." Leo replied a few moments later with his brow furrowed. "We really need to get ahold of her. Josh is going to need someone else making the decisions."

"I know. I'm going after it."

"What?"

"Power of attorney. I want to have it to help him and Josh agreed." Sam told him. "Only problem is he wants me to go through his lawyers which as you know could take weeks if not a month or so as opposed to just having the person sign it over."

"Good luck convincing Adira of that." Leo gave a derisive chuckle. "She's a tough woman and she loves her son."

"She's also an elderly woman who lives in Florida. She didn't even stay up here while Josh was recovering. She left before he was even out of the hospital."

"You can't fault her for that Sam." Leo said, his voice going softer. "She's been through many hardships Sam. Staying here and watching her son suffer as he recovered was just too much for her. It's hard for a parent to watch their child go through pain."

Sam stared at Leo, not fully understanding. If it were his child he would have been there every step of the way. Encouraging them to keep trying when they want to quit, holding them when they cried in frustration, watching over them as they slept just to make sure they did sleep. But maybe Sam just didn't understand Leo's view as he wasn't a parent. He's never had to do any of that. 

"I don't blame her for that Leo, but I want what's best for Josh. I'm not an expert but I do know about the mental health system and Josh will need an advocate."

"And you believe you're the person best for the job?"

"Yes Leo I do."

"Why is that?"

"Because I-" Sam paused, looking over at Leo's masked expression. "I love him."

Leo's gaze then seemed to penetrate through Sam and he felt a shiver go down his spine. It wasn't exactly a secret while he was there that he was bisexual, but it had never come up. He had always been discreet.

"You think you should have control over him because you love him?" Leo questioned. "Does he love you back?"

Sam's heart ached. He didn't know, not really. The only time he had heard those words come from Josh was after he had lost the election for a seat in congress. He had gotten a call from everybody, trying to convince him that his place was in Washington and he should come back. He was important.

None of them even remotely came close to changing his mind. But the last call he had received had been from Josh. It had been strained. Neither knowing exactly what to say. But near the end Josh had whispered the words Sam had always longed to hear from the man. They sounded sad and forced with a small sniffle. But Sam knew that Josh had meant those words, that they came from his heart.

And Sam still stayed in California.

It was one of his biggest regrets. Hearing those words come from Josh should have kicked him into gear and running if not to the white house than D.C. in general. But he didn't. He knew though Josh said the words and meant them, Sam knew that it wasn't enough to overcome the demons that roamed inside of Josh. The demons who made him deny who he was so violently.

"At this point it doesn't matter." Sam answered unwavering. "What is important is that he is my best friend and he needs help. He needs someone who can focus on him and understand his needs. Someone he trusts."

Leo stared down at his desk deep in thought, though what he needed to think about Sam had no idea. He wasn't even sure why he had defended himself to Leo. He just wanted his friend to be taken care of and out of all the people who could be his guardian, they were currently busy running the country.

"Why did Josh want you to go through the lawyers?"

Sam paused before answering. He had been wondering the same thing. "I don't know. He said something about not wanting to inflict pain on someone else. To be honest Leo, Josh isn't really in any frame of mind, he wasn't making much sense."

A few more beats passed between the two men before Leo sat up in his chair again and reached for his glasses. "I would suggest you call Ted Mahoney who is the head of the Lyman's accounts and inform him of your intent so he can prepare. He could put the petition in and everything for you."

"Yes but that would take over a month to get. Longer if Mrs. Lyman fights it."

"Which is why I'm also recommending you go down to Florida and present your case to her. I'll draw up the necessary papers for you to have her sign."

That shocked Sam. It seemed he was getting more cooperation than he thought he ever would. He was prepared to fight more and present his argument several times in order to get what he wanted. Leo seemed to read his mind as he gave him a small smile.

"I know things are bad Sam, and right now we at the White House are the enemy who failed him, but we do care. Josh is one of us. He's brilliant and loyal and we failed him." Leo said standing up. "That's something that each of us here will have to live with. We still want the best for him. We still want him here."

"I don't think that last part is going to happen Leo." Sam stated sadly, turning his head to look at the door to his left. "I want to take him to California."

"What?" Leo barked.

"You didn't see him yesterday or this morning." Sam stood up as well, his mind bringing forth images of Josh lying stationary on the sofa, staring at nothing, being unresponsive. It scared him. . "Josh is broken Leo. He's not going to be well enough any time soon to come back to the white house."

"So your answer is to take him across the country?"

"Yes Leo that is my answer." Sam raised his voice and crossed his arms. "And Josh agreed with it. He needs to get away from here. This is the political capital of the world, and I believe in order to really heal he needs to get away from all this. In California he'll have sun, anonymity, and he'll have me."

Leo didn't reply. The elder man just nodded his head in a slight stiff manner before walking over to the door to ask Margaret for Mrs. Lyman's address. He stared at the piece of paper Margaret had handed him before handing it over to Sam.

"You know we have to keep this away from the administration as much as possible." He said. "But please, do keep us in the loop. And if you need anything at all, just call."

Sam didn't know what to say so he gave a slight nod as he grasped the paper tightly in his fist. And with that Leo moved back around his desk and sat down reaching for a file on the large stack that was in front of him, and Sam walked out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read and Review!!!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a doctor, lawyer or politician. Everything is made up. Please read and review. Give me an opinion or something. I'm having trouble deciding a direction.

Chapter 13

Leo sat back in his chair, one leg crossed over the other with his arm resting on the side. The last ditch effort to come to an agreement came and went over an hour ago and after kicking everyone who wasn't essential out of the White House, he came back to his office. The silence soothed him and rejuvenated him. He was a man constantly surrounded by people and the quiet of being alone helped bring him back to focus. Something he needed with all that had been and is going on around him.

Margarete stayed outside at her desk, refusing to leave. Though it was against the law for her to stay, the stubborn woman refused to leave Leo. They had been through a lot together. Margaret having worked for him for over 20 years. Though he protested halfheartedly, Leo was grateful, noting to himself to be sure to give his assistant a good bonus this year.

But while the government was shut down and thousands of people would not be able to earn money to pay their bills, his mind was elsewhere. It was on thoughts of Josh.

Leo replayed everything he had said to the young man over the past month and he cringed more and more as they got harsher and harsher. He wasn't sure why he treated Josh as such. Why he was punishing him so hard. The best way to have handled this and get it out of the news cycle and back to normal was to let the man jump in a few days later and continue working. Sure some people would have objected, refused to even take his call, but Josh wasn't considered Bartlett’s 'bulldog' for nothing. There was a reason for that.

However that was not what went down. Instead Leo let his anger fester as more and more pressure built upon the administration to get a budget in place. It all came to a head when CJ walked into his office with that magazine.

He meant what he said, that he wasn't pissed that Josh was gay, but that he didn't tell anyone. The younger man knew how important disclosure was and yet he kept it to himself, opening the White House to more scrutiny.

"I'm sorry Noah." He muttered, moving his hands to his lap as he thought about his friend. He had promised Noah years ago that he would watch out for his son. Noah had wanted Josh to go into litigation with him, to join the firm as it was. But Josh had other ideas. He didn't want to be a lawyer, he wanted to be a position. He wanted to help people by working the system and he had worked hard from high school until graduating from Yale at the top of his class.

Leo had seen the intelligence in him early on and during summer breaks was sure to help the lad get good internships. He had wanted Josh to learn from the best, to learn the ins and outs of how the government worked. To be able to navigate the system to be most effective and help more people in the end. And though Leo was there the whole time watching his back, giving him advantages, Josh didn't disappoint him. He worked and worked and learned everything so quickly. Josh was like a sponge, soaking up information and processing it.

Josh Lyman was held in Washington nee the whole country as one of the most brilliant political minds. People paid attention to him. They listened to him. Leo had no doubt that Josh switching from Hoynes to Bartlett is what gave them the edge they needed to get people to take the Governor

Seriously. All the great speeches and idealism could only take them so far. But someone like Josh who jumped ship from the prohibitive favorite caused people to take notice.

But now things have gone to shit and he was largely to blame for it.

"MARGARETE!" He yelled and waited for her to open the door. "I need CJ, Toby, and Will as soon as possible please. And grab Donna too."

Without even questioning his request she nodded and left to call them to his office.

His mind drifted back to Josh, remembering how long he has known him. He'd known Josh since he was only a little pea size organism in his mother. Leo had been there for most of the big events, thinking Josh as the son he never had. He was there for birthdays, his bris, his Bar Mitzvah, graduations. He was there at Joanie’s funeral too where his heart felt like it was breaking at the solemn expression in Josh's eyes. It had scared him as Leo could see that from that moment Josh was no longer a child though he still remained in that form. But he grew up that day and seemed to lose that innocence that had made him so buoyance and loving. Leo had never wanted to see that look in his eyes again.

"Leo?" CJ said as she entered, breaking his reverie.

Leo motioned for her, followed by the others to come in as he stood up and rounded the desk. He leaned against the edge of the large desk, hands in front of him as he waited for them to settle. The others seemed a bit unsure about Donna's presence. She didn't normally get summoned into Leo's office like this unless Josh brought her. She seemed to be too, but said nothing as she took a chair in the corner again.

Leo studied Donna for a few moments, taking in her appearance. She looked more tired. Well, more than normal which if he admitted was higher than most jobs. Margarete had said she was more quiet and distant. He knew it was about Josh. He knew that she felt guilt at not doing something sooner.

"I think we can officially say the shit has hit the fan." Leo started.

"What happened in the last meeting Leo? It only lasted a few minutes." Toby asked, fingers tapping irritably on the arm of the couch where he sat next to CJ.

"The Majority refused to anything lower than 5%. The president didn't feel there was any point in continuing after that."

"What is Angela Blake doing about this? I'm guessing her lack of appearance means she's working on something right?"

Leo shook his head. He had actually forgotten about Angela Blake when asking Margaret to gather everyone. He didn't know where the woman was.

"What if we brought Josh in." Will pipped up, and Leo grimaced. Seeing this Will lifted his hand to stop any protest. "I know he's in the dog house but he knows the players better than anyone."

"I agree Leo." Toby said. "As much as I hate to agree with this imp, I think it’s time to bring Josh in to close the deal."

Silence descended the room then, everyone looking at Leo for him to approve or not while Leo stood still against this desk gazing forward. He could feel their gazes on him, except for Donna he noticed. She was still staring at the floor.

"We can't bring Josh in." He said softly to which CJ stood up and paced a few times in front of the door near the back in irritation.

"And why not Leo? He's been punished enough and we're currently screwed." She said crossing her long arms over her chest.

Leo took a few beats to look at each person in the room, gazing their current moods. They were all irritated and frustrated and understandably so. They have been working harder than normal the past month even without the budget negotiations. It was something that they had realized years ago when Josh was recovering, that Josh did a lot more than they realized. They seemed to be playing a never ending game of pickup as they all tried to do their jobs while taking Josh's as well. Nobody really knew how he did it. Even with stealing Donna for most of it they struggled.

But now they will need to learn how to succeed on their own. Now they need to start looking for an extra person or four who could do what Josh did to take some of the slack.

"This afternoon Josh signed himself into a psychiatric hospital." He said, pausing to gage their reactions. "He can't help us."

"What do you mean?" CJ ground out.

"I mean Josh isn't in a position to help."

"I didn't mean that Leo." She growled and looked over at Toby.

"Why did he do that?" Toby asked softly, picking up from CJ.

"He didn't have a choice. Stanley Keyworth was going to have him admitted regardless, but Sam and Keyworth convinced Josh to do it himself. Even if we wanted to we couldn't ask him because of a 72 hour isolation period."

"Damnit Leo."

"I know." he stated, brows furrowed. "We'll need to come up with something to tell the press."

"Did he resign?"

"Sam did bring me his resignation but I tore it up before he told me about where Josh was."

"Are you going to accept it?"

Leo gave a loud sigh and stood up and walked around to the other side of the desk again. The right thing to do was to accept it, but he couldn't. Or rather he wouldn't. Not yet anyways. He wanted to keep him on until Sam gained access to Josh's funds to be able to pay for what he needs. He was admitted to a very good yet very expensive place. By keeping him on he'll still have the insurance covering the hospital stay for a while.

"Not yet." He answered.

He watched CJ pacing a few times again, watching as her brain worked. They should be discussing what to do about the shutdown but by the looks of his underlings there wouldn't be any discussion until they solved the Josh thing. Leo took the silence to study Donna again who continued to sit in the back near a corner in silence. She hadn't said a single word though by her expression she hadn't known about the hospital.

He could see the tears in her eyes and the determination not to let them fall. Donna had always been strong. Knowing her history he had been impressed by her the moment Josh told him about her. She was strong willed and iron fisted with a soft caring touch. The younger woman seemed to always be able to handle Josh in almost any situation. Leo wondered how she would handle him now he's in the hospital.

"We don't comment on the personal lives of staffers." CJ said breaking the silence.

"We're going to have to actually say something CJ." Will answered. "The Deputy Chief of Staff is in a mental hospital after an extended timeout. I don't think 'no comment' is going to be acceptable."

"It should be. It’s none of their business."

"You know as well as I do that that's not true. This man in a high office who has the ear of the President just committed himself to the crazy house. We-"

He was cut off by the resounding of a slap. Leo clenched his jaw as he fought himself to stay where he was. Donna stood in front of will and stared at the man with so much anger that it would probably be a good idea to get between the two of them.

Leo never liked Will.

"Don't you ever say that again, do you hear me?" She said in a soft steady voice that sent a shiver down Leo's spine.

"I wasn't trying to insult him Donna, I was just pointing out what people will think and say."

"I don't care what other people will say I care about what people who know him will say." She said placing her fisted hands by her side. Leo was rooting for her to punch him.

CJ however seemed to have enough of it as she grabbed hold of Donna's arms to pull her back. However CJ was also glaring at Will. He hoped she will display more restraint that Donna, as he knew who would win that fight.

"Alright that's enough. For now we say nothing. The government is shut down and that will be the news cycle." Leo stated firmly. "If anyone asks about Josh...I don't know. Direct the conversation elsewhere."

With that he sat down at his desk and picked up his reading glasses signaling they were dismissed. Nothing was said and the door was closed behind them, leaving Leo in a not so peaceful silence. He tried doing some work but his mind would always drift back to Josh. Thinking about him being in an asylum, losing his mind.

"I'm sorry Noah."

********

Without a word to each other Toby, CJ, and Donna all climbed into the Toby's old car and headed towards Josh's house. Donna's mind was racing and fear clenched in her gut. She berated herself for not doing more when she saw clear as day that each minute was taking him further away from them.

They arrived quickly, it being late at night so there was little traffic. Donna stared up at Josh's building as she got out of the car trying to see if there were any lights on. The large tree in front blocked any good view she could get. She knew Josh wasn't home but something inside of her was expecting him to be there. It was too surreal to know that he was elsewhere, that he was in trouble and out of her reach.

CJ hit the button that was next to Josh's apartment number several times and then waited for a response. When none came she did it again, and again, and then again.

"What?" Sam's voice came out over the intercom.

"Let us up Spanky." CJ ordered while wrapping her coat tighter around her tall slim body.

"He's not here CJ."

"We know that Sam. We want to speak to you."

Silence ensued between the two as the air seemed to get colder. It was supposed to rain soon which Donna felt was fitting for today. The government shut down leaving thousands without work and her best friend and boss committed himself to a mental hospital. It’s fitting that the sky would weep on that night.

With a click of the lock on the door Donna came back to herself and followed CJ as she entered. The hallway was cold but still warmer than outside as they ascended the stairs.

Sam stood at the door in dark jeans and a dark blue sweatshirt looking as if he hadn't a care in the world. But the three of them easily saw right through it. They could easily see the frown on the corner of his mouth and the tenseness of his body.

"Would you guys like a drink?" He asked after closing the door.

"Booze." Toby said taking Donna and CJ's coats and lying them carefully over a chair.

"Sorry, fresh out. There's coffee and tea."

"Coffee."

Sam headed for the kitchen while CJ and Toby settled in on the couch. Donna continued standing, arms wrapped tightly around her as she took in everything in the apartment, and noticing the differences.

Things were missing. She noticed. She had spent a lot of time in that apartment after Josh had been shot. She had spent hours staring at the knickknacks and such that littered the place. Now a lot of it was gone and the place felt sterilized.

"Where is everything?" She asked Sam as he set a tray of coffee onto the coffee table using the tray his mother had sent as he couldn't move much.

"What do you mean?"

"The stuff, trinkets and what not." She said looking around again. "Things are missing."

"Oh, yeah. I...uh...they're in a couple of boxes in the hall closet." He told her as he sat in the chair across from Toby and CJ.

"Why were you even touching his things?" She bit out. "You had no right..."

"When you fly from California and you find your best friend on the verge of...." He paused with a hitched breath. "You do whatever it takes, even if it means violating their privacy to keep anything they could use out of reach."

"Donna, please sit down." CJs said softly to her, indicating Donna should sit next to her. But Donna just clenched her jaw and turned around and stared out the window instead as she listened to the conversation behind her.

"So what’s next?" Toby asked and she heard Sam take a deep breath.

"What's next is I go to Florida and try to convince his mother to sign Josh over to me."

"You think she would?"

Sam didn't say anything causing Donna to turn back around, watching him. He bit his lip as he shrugged his shoulders. She didn't think it would be that easy. Josh being her only relative and her son to boot will make this endeavor hard if not impossible.

"She's not going to really have a choice." Sam replied, crossing one leg over the other.

Donna plopped down next to CJ angrily and glared at Sam. She didn't know why there was so much hostility between them. They had been really close friends but now all it seems to be is anger.

"You're just going to wrestle control of Josh from a poor elderly widow with only one family member left?" She scoffed. "That's cold Sam."

"First off she's not poor she's very wealthy and secondly it’s the right thing and it’s what Josh wants."

"The right thing?"

"Yes Donna." He sat up. "Josh is sick, really sick."

"Ok ok." Toby spoke up halting the argument. "What are you going to do if she says no?"

"If she says no then I'll go through Josh's lawyers. If that doesn't work I’ll take her to court." Sam stated firmly, watching his friends eyes widen.

"Suing Mrs. Lyman will bring on a lot of attention from the press." CJ finally said after a few moments of silence.

"Strangely CJ, the press isn't really my concern right now."

"No but its mine." She bit out. "We've been having issues about Josh for months Sam. Josh going to a looney bin while his best friend sues his mother for custody will claim the news cycles for weeks."

"Not to mention what it will do to this administration in general." Toby added.

Donna watched Sam clench his hand into a fist as he glared at the two senior staff on the couch. His eyes were narrowed and seemed as if the blue had turned to black.

She knew CJ was right. This would dominate everything. This will have a huge impact on the President. The President who had been vocal against the treatment of Josh but had left it to his Chief of Staff. She knew he would be more concerned about Josh than the administration. Josh was family.

Charlie had mentioned a few weeks ago as they walked towards the press room for a practice speech that the President was fed up with Leo. He wanted Josh back. He wanted Josh staffing him as he was the most intelligent of the bunch but decided to leave it to Leo for a little longer.

If only he hadn't waited.

"Listen," Sam growled. "While I do care about President Bartlett and the administration, it is no longer my concern."

"Neither is Josh." Toby pointed out calmly. "You can't just drop your life Sam, you worked hard for it."

Nobody said anything and the silence made Donna feel nauseated. Everything felt out of her control and it made her confused and caused panic. She was the one who controlled everything. Files, meetings, schedules, trips, and Josh. And while she could still control most of the list, the most important one was out of grasp and she couldn't reach out to him.

"Sam, you need to drop this and go back to California." Toby continued. "Let us handle Josh."

Sam continued to glare and Donna could see the cogs in his brain working while he took deep breaths to keep calm.

"I'm not going back to California until I can get Josh."

"What?" Donna exclaimed in confused. She stood up and walked the few feet towards Sam and stood over him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean Donna," He stood up then causing her to take a step back. "Is that I'm taking Josh to California."

Donna shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. That was what he wanted custody of Josh for. To take him away from them. From her. She couldn't let him do that, not just for her but for Josh as well. This was his home. He'd lived there since college in the same apartment they were standing in now. His mother was only a few states away and all his friends who he considered family was here in DC. His support was here.

"I think it’s time you leave Sam." She said pressing her lips firmly together. She felt so much tension flow through her body and the anger was palpable. But she refused to back down, not to Sam, not about him taking Josh away from her.

"I can't." He said, so softly that she wasn't sure she heard him. He turned away from her and walked a few feet away, putting distance between them.

"Sam you-"

"I love him." He said simply, turning back to face us. Donna looked away gaging the reactions of her two other friends. Toby was just staring at the floor and CJ's eyes were wide. Neither looked as shocked as they should be, as shocked as her. She knew Sam was bisexual, but it wasn't like it was a secret. She knew that he had...affections towards Josh, but didn't know how deep it went.

Now Josh being gay, that was a secret. A huge secret. She still wonders how nobody picked up on it. He had enemies on both sides of the party lines and nobody dug deep enough to find out he's gay? Her heart still clenched at that knowledge, knowing now that her feelings for him would not be returned in the same way.

But there stood Sam, in Josh's apartment claiming to love Josh and want to take him away. It was becoming too much for her. Everything just kept piling up and she wondered when she would fall. She wondered how much Josh had actually taken before he fell.

She wondered what would happen if anymore piled up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed. Please read and review. There wont be a chapter next week. I'm in the horse racing business and its Breeders Cup weekend so I'll be too busy trying to get murdered by my work.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the month long gap. I'm back. Please read and review.

Chapter 14

Sam was grateful for the air conditioning in the car he was currently driving. The Florida humidity instantly felt heavy upon him as the doors to exit from the airport opened. It was almost December and the temperature was supposedly down, but Sam couldn't feel any difference. He couldn't imagine living here in the summer.

He shook that thought away as he changed lanes to pass a slow car. They were headed towards Josh's mother’s house someplace on the coast of Miami. His gut was twisted with anticipation and a bit of fear that she will deny him what he wants. He had no doubt that Adira Lyman would take care of her son, make sure he got the care he needed, manage his life and investments. But though she was very spry and full of life, Sam knew that the care of Josh would probably be last for years at best, or the rest of his life at worst.

Sam hoped it wouldn’t be either, that his friend would get some help, get the therapy and perhaps medication that he needs and be well again. It was a lovely though but even Sam knew it was unrealistic. Knowing Josh as well as he did gave him insight that the others didn’t have. Being in love with the man for more than a decade had given him so much knowledge in the way Joshua Lyman ticked.

It was both a blessing and a curse. The blessing was once everything is sorted out, once Josh was settled and getting the help he needed then Sam could handle the rest. It was a going to be challenging and it was going to be heart breaking but he felt he was up to the task of caring for Josh. The curse was he knew Josh so well that deep down in Sam’s heart he knew that Josh was broken, and would probably never be fixed to who he was before. There was only so much a person can take before their mind starts to crumble, and Josh had hit that time.

"Can you drive like a normal person please?" Donna bit out from the passenger’s seat. Sam didn't respond to her. He knew he wouldn't say anything nice so he kept quiet. He didn't want to fight with her anymore. He wanted their friendship back. Together they were stronger and could support Josh better.

That's not to say he wanted her to join him here in Florida, because he really didn't. Donna invited herself, showing up at the airport shortly before he did and boarding the plane, sitting in coach while he was in 1st class. They hadn't really talked to each other during the flight but she followed him to the rental car area and followed him to the car. He knew it was probably Leo who sent her to keep tabs on Sam and support him, but also keep the White House in the loop.

"We should get there in about half an hour if we don't die first." Donna said. Again Sam said nothing and continued to focus on the road. He could hear a huff from her and knew the temporary peace was about to be broken. "Are you really not going to talk to me Sam?

"I have nothing to say." He replied.

"So you're just going to sit there in silence the whole trip?"

"You know in law school they really pound in the power of silence." Sam looked in his side mirror and switched lanes again, seeing Donna's hand reach for the dash to hold onto.

"I can't tell if you believe I’m a defendant and you're prosecuting me for something or if that was a jibe at my lack of higher education."

Sam took a deep breath and forced himself not to roll his eyes with impatience. "It was neither Donna."

"Well good. I expect better from you than petty jibes." 

"I don't do petty jibes Donna." He told her exasperated. "I don't care about a person's credentials, only that they can do their job well which you exceed at so stop worrying."

He glanced over at her and saw the color spreading over her cheek. Sam knew very well that Donna was sensitive about her lack of college degree. She was blonde, long legged, and beautiful which spurred the never ending rumors that Josh was sleeping with her and that was how she got where she was. He knew Josh wasn't sleeping with her, and he knew Donna could hold her own in a conversation regarding politics. Especially against Josh, which was a high achievement that very few could actually do so.

"I know. I'm sorry Sam." She said softly, giving him a small smile that he returned, feeling some of the tension that was between them lessen.

"Speaking of education..." Sam started as he signaled to the exit ramp. "And not liking being teased, I think it’s time to give you some advice if you plan on staying in DC."

He glanced at her again seeing that she was staring at him with furrowed brows. He'd wanted to talk to her about this for a while but kept his mouth closed. But he could see if she played her cards right she could have a real impact in the future in DC, despite her lack of degree. He wanted her to have a chance. Donna Moss was a very intelligent very able and valuable person to have on your side, and once Bartlett left office Sam knew she would be head hunted by the best.

"You know how you tease Josh about not being a real lawyer?" He started, stopping at a red light. "You really shouldn't be doing that. Especially in DC which as you know is the lawyer center of the world."

"Sam, I’m just kidding with him about it and he knows that." Sam knew that and so did Josh but it still irked Sam and he knew, though nobody has said anything yet, that it irked everyone else.

"Yes well, just as you are sensitive in your situation, it really irritates politicians when you make that joke."

"Sam I-"

"Do you have any idea what it takes to get through law school? To get to the place Josh is in." 'Was in' Sam reminded himself, but refused to speak that part outload.

"I know law school is hard Sam, you don't need to tell me." She bit out crossing her arms.

"And expensive..."

"Josh didn't pay for his education Sam, his parents did." She said. "Josh's entire education from private Hebrew school through Yale was free."

Sam bit his tongue and pulled over into a nearby parking lot and stopped the car. He turned to face her, reminding himself that this was not a courtroom and she was not on trial. That he was trying to help her. And he won’t lie, to defend his fellow lawyers who didn’t practice litigation.

"What are you-?"

"Josh may not have paid for his education but he worked his ass off to get where he is."

"Sam-"

"Listen." He stated firmly. "I'm not going to lie, yes a lot of people get through school by using money and less than honorable means. That some have probably not worked hard a day in their life, but a lot of people, a lot of politicians worked hard to get where they are. And not just higher ups like congressmen and senators, but the people below them as well."

"I know that Sam. I never meant to insult anyone, I was just teasing Josh."

"Well your teasing in front of others has annoyed other people Donna."

"Who?" She huffed with annoyance.

"Just to name a couple? Toby and Leo."

"Liar."

"I'm serious. They are both lawyers and you telling Josh he's not a real lawyer puts them down too." He argued. "These people chose early on what they wanted to do. Josh worked his ass off all through school, getting summer interns with campaigns and politicians every year, networking though DC. He graduated at the top of his class Donna. Do you know how amazing that is? He graduated at the top of his class at Yale Law School, one of the toughest schools in the country."

Donna looked down at her feet, her face beet red. Sam felt sorry for her with her alabaster skin as it gives away what she was feeling so quickly and vibrantly.

"These people, Josh, may not have ever been in a courtroom but they practice law at the most basic level. They create the laws. Josh creates laws. They create and vote into what lawyers use in court."

Without allowing her to reply, Sam turned back around and navigated the car out of the parking lot. They were only a few minutes away from Josh's mother’s house and the tension in his stomach tightened as he sent out a silent prayer. 

They pulled up to the gated community just as the sun had set. Sam and Donna handed over their ID's to the security guard at the gate to be signed in before heading towards the house.

Sam stared up at it as parked next to a red Audi in the drive way. The house was two stories and beige. He remembered Josh saying his mother was moving to Florida to avoid the harsh winters of Connecticut and buying a smaller house on the beach.

Sam had never seen Josh's childhood home but their definition of 'smaller house' was clearly on different scales. Glancing at Donna as she opened the door, he could tell that she was thinking the same thing.

As Sam exited the car Adira came out of the house and stood on the porch. He of course had met her before. When the campaign was in Connecticut Josh's parents had come to the fundraiser that was being held in Hartford. It had raked in more money for the war chest than any other state had during the entire campaign.

Adira Lyman had looked amazing in her obviously designer dress and the jewels that adorned her emphasized the woman’s beauty. She was a small woman, about 5'2 and thin as a rail. Her hair was dark with some white showing through. She had slightly darker skin and if Sam hadn't been introduced to her by Josh he still would have guessed her heritage. Josh had looked more like his father, but Sam could see some of his mother in the man as well.

Now the woman stood in front of him on a large porch with one of those swinging benches and she looked practically the same. Even with her slack pants and sweatshirt instead of a designer dress. He had also met her again at the hospital. Sam didn't want to think about that right now.

"The security man called and said I had some visitors." She said as the approached. "Imagine my surprise when he said it was a Sam Seaborn and a Donnatella Moss."

"Hi Mrs. Lyman." Donna said with a smile which the older woman returned.

"Oh sweet Donna. I told you, it’s Adira" She said as she enveloped Donna is a warm hug. "And Samuel, you’re looking well. A little less frazzled than the last time I saw you however."

Sam grimaced slightly at the reference but gave her a wane smile. He felt like he was going to hurl. Here he is, a lawyer of the highest caliber who had spent four years writing speeches for Josiah Bartlett, and here the tiny woman, the mother of the man he loved, made him want to run and hide like a little boy.

"Well come in, come in." She said turning around and entering the house. Sam and Donna exchanged a look before following her.

They followed her to a sitting room where she said she'd be back with tea and left them alone. The room was warm and bright with lamps all around. The furniture was beautiful and arranged as if it were in a magazine. Sam could tell it was all antique, her taste was right along Sam’s own mothers.

Sam walked around the room, looking hungrily at the pictures that scattered the walls and surfaces. He couldn't stop the smile at seeing images of a smaller Josh looking young and happy. For the most part anyways. Sam could tell something lurking in the eyes of Josh's frozen form as the years passed. He saw the small sadness that seemed to haunt the three Lyman’s.

'Joanie.' His mind said as he looked to the fireplace. There upon the mantle were fresh flowers in antique crystal vases on both sides and three pictures, in what Sam was sure was real gold frames, one each of a teenaged girl, and older man, and young adult male. Joanie, Noah, and Josh Lyman.

"Those are beautiful candles Adira." Donna said behind him. Sam glanced at them before looking at the candles. They were blue in crystal holders, burning brightly.

"Thank you my dear. It brings me comfort to honor them each night." Adira said as she sat down in a chair near the couch. "Plus once they go out I know it’s time to turn in for the night."

Sam stared at the pictures on the mantle a few more moments before turning to sit on the couch next to Donna. He considered having some of the tea to settle his stomach and decided against it in case it rebelled further. The last thing he needed was to ruin the carpet.

"Well as nice as it is to have visitors, let’s get to the point." Adira stated, picking up one of the tea cups and sitting back into her chair. "Joshua sent you."

"No, no, Josh didn't send us." Donna replied. “He doesn’t even know we’re here.”

"I see. Then why are you here?"

Sam took a deep breath and steeled his nerves as he sat on the edge of the couch. "Mrs. Lyman...Adira, something...you see Josh..."

"Josh is in the hospital." Donna stated as she gently place a hand on his arm. "Sam has more details than I do but Josh had some kind of nervous breakdown or something."

"I see." Adira responded. Sam blinked a few times as he watched her, confused by her reaction. It was calm and nonchalant as if she knew already. "Is that what you flew down here for?"

"Well we did try calling you Adira, but all the phone numbers we had were disconnected." Donna continued. "I even emailed you last night but it was returned as an invalid address. We didn’t want to just show up like this but we didn’t really have much of a choice."

"Well of course they are. It would be easier for Josh if he didn't have a way to contact me, and easier for me as well." She said. “We’d be too tempted and I’ve made my decision.”

Sam stiffened and narrowed his eyes at the elderly woman. He wasn't quite sure what that meant, and something inside him really didn't want to know. This whole mess with Josh just kept getting bigger and bigger and for the first time Sam felt a flutter of doubt that he'd be able to really handle the situation.

Sam cleared his throat, breaking the silence that had descended the room as he reached into his breast pocket for the documents Leo had sent him with. "What we came here for, what I came here for, is to gain power of attorney over Josh."

"Alright." Adira shrugged casually and reached out for the papers in his hands.

"I know it must be hard Mrs. Ly-Adira." Sam continued the speech he had prepared, confused at her quick acquiesce. "And I'm sorry to request this but I-"

"It’s no hardship Samuel. I'm very glad Joshua has someone looking after him." She said as she signed and initialed on the marked places without reading it. It should have felt like a victory to Sam but it felt wrong. Very wrong.

"You realize Adira that the documents you're signing would put me in charge of everything for Josh. Medical, money, everything."

"Yes yes. I've been the wife of a successful litigator for a very long time. I know what this is and you're welcome to it."

"You're not going to fight this?" Donna asked just as confused as Sam. Why wasn't the woman fighting it? Sam had been prepared to fight his point with the woman but she just signed Josh over as if it were a school field trip. Something in his gut told him there was more to this.

"Mrs. Lyman, Josh is currently in a private clinic just outside-"

She raised her hand to silence him as she handed the papers back. "I don't need to know where he is." The woman sighed tiredly as she reached for her cup of tea she'd placed on the nearby table. "Joshua didn't tell you."

'Tell us what?' He thought in his mind as Donna voiced it out loud. Sam watched the woman sit there as she stared over towards the fireplace to the framed pictures and the blue candles that were nearly out. Josh had told him once that his mother did that every night. To honor and remember the daughter she lost. And now she was joined by both her father and her..."

"Why is Josh's picture up there?" He asked as calmly as he could with his heart speeding up.

Adira looked at him with her black eyes and he felt the bile rising in his throat. "As I told Joshua I am an old woman. And I just want to spend the rest of my days in peace and mourning the ones I love."

Something clicked in his mind, putting pieces together. "Even here in hell I can't and won’t inflict it on others. Let her mourn her family." Josh had said the previous day.

"Mrs. Lyman..." Sam started, scooting to the edge of his seat. "What exactly did you say to him?"

The elderly woman sat further back in her seat, crossing one thin leg over another looking completely at ease.

"Of course he wouldn't tell you." She said. "That's my Joshua, just ignores the painful truths. It’s always been a weakness of his. One of many as you’re probably aware of."

Donna reached out beside him and clutched his hand tightly as if bracing herself. Adira's words were filling him with fear and the look of wide eyes and pursed lips upon Donna's pretty face that she felt it too.

"I told him that I couldn't keep doing that dance with him. Never knowing what would happen next with him." She said simply. "This latest thing, his depression, his trauma, that horrible magazine."

"So you what? Told him he was no longer your son? That you were disowning him?" Donna spat angrily surprising Sam.

"Of course I didn't disown." Adira admonished. "Joshua is the sole heir to the Lyman fortune and I made sure he knew that everything was still his. And I'm very grateful Samuel that you wish to take control of it. I will die easily knowing that you will do well with it."

"I just want to make sure everything is safe and what belongs to Josh stays that way." Sam protested. "It’s Josh's money and he'll decide."

"Yes but knowing my Joshua, knowing everything he's gone through and how things affect the boy, he is not long for this world Samuel. His sensitivities will eventually swallow him up." She told him taking a drink of her tea.

Sam's mouth opened and closed several times as he tried to protest, tried to rebuttal her words but nothing came to mind. Just the shear panic at the thought of Josh dying. Of him taking his own life during a fit of psychosis.

"I can see you're one of them." Adira said softly, gaining his attention back.

"One of who?" His voice cracked, really not wanting to know.

"You're in love with my son."

"Yes." He replied without hesitation. Yes he was in love with Josh. He would do anything for him. He was afraid of losing him.

Adira nodded thoughtfully as her eyes turned yet again towards the mantle for a few moments before turning back to him. "I hope you plan on suing that disgusting magazine. They had no right to announce Joshua's proclivities to the world."

"Proclivities?" Donna asked still sounding as confused as Sam felt.

"Yes. Towards men." She stated easily. "It was no fault of his own you understand. We tried to help him, his father and I, but we couldn't. We couldn't fix our little boy."

Sam stood up then and walked behind the couch, putting distance between them. He wanted to shout at her, ask her more questions, and find out what they had done to try to 'fix' him. But he didn't, he couldn't. He didn't think he'd ever stop if he started so he kept his mouth tightly closed. He couldn’t shout that they couldn’t fix Josh because he wasn’t broken. But that wouldn’t be true right now. Josh was broken, and Sam wasn’t sure how to fix him.

"Well, you have your papers and the time is late. I'm going to have to ask you to leave now." Adira said, still in that soft conversational voice she had been using the whole time.

Sam gave a simple nod as he grabbed the papers and folded them back up neatly to secure back in his breast pocket. He didn't bother to turn back or say goodbye to the woman as he headed towards the door. He was halfway to the porch when he stopped and froze at hearing Adiras answer to Donna's final question.

"Is there a way we or Josh can contact you?" The question was innocent, and Sam would have kicked himself for not thinking about it if he could stop his heart from beating so loud.

"No my dear. Joshua is aware of the situation. The next time he'll hear from me and vice versa is through the lawyers when the inevitable happens."

Sam took a deep breath finally getting it. Josh was dead to his mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it. Please read and review.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long overdue but I couldn't get it to work. I'm still not happy with it but its stalling the story but I do hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 15

Josh sat curled up against the cold wall beneath the window inside the room they had placed him in. He kept his eyes closed tightly and his thin arms wrapped around his legs as chills ran through him. He felt nauseated and sluggish.

He wished Sam was there with him. There to take him away from his current hell. Josh was angry at himself and at Stanley for putting him there. Yes he had voluntarily admitted himself but there had been no other choice.

But he was truthful to Sam. He would kill himself. He would not stay there for long. The only thing keeping him there was Sam's promise to not leave him to be forgotten and abused by the system.

The place he was in called themselves a clinic, but to Josh it was just like any other crazy house. Like any other hospital that takes in people who in one way or another can't protect themselves from the people who put them there. They did the same admittance examination as before where they forced him to strip everything off, was forced to allow them to place their unyielding gloved hands all over his bare skin, examining both inside and outside. Muttering words to each other as they wrote down whatever it was that they were looking for or found.

It was a humiliating and invasive examination and he had welcomed the hot shower that had come after even if he was being watched by one of male orderlies. The water scorched his thin body, the water temperature almost too much to bear and his skin became red and raw, bleeding in places where the skin broke as he scrubbed vigorously trying to eliminate the handprints he felt where they had searched him. It didn't feel like enough.

Eventually they put a stop to that and he had cried out as they shut the water off and rangled him, drying him roughly with towels and forcing a gown that felt too revealing onto him. He didn't fight them, he couldn't if he wanted to but they treated him as if he had as they dragged him almost violently into his current room. They had forced him onto the standardized hospital bed, securing his arms and legs too tightly. He tried to fight then, tried to get out of the cuffs but there was no way out.

They administered drugs, he didn't know what they were giving him but he felt them enter his body through the IV they had inserted into his arm. It made him drowsy and nauseated and he slept in and out for an indeterminate amount of time until they released him.

Josh had almost literally fallen out of the bed and crawled to the corner where he now sat with his head tucked into his knees and arms over his head. He was cold in the gown sitting on the floor but was too afraid of the staff to move.

He wished with all his broken heart that Sam would come and save him. He had said he would. Sam had promised to take care of him, to protect him from the system. But Sam wasn't there, and though Josh logically knew that meant the 72 hour isolation window wasn't over yet, it still made his heart ache.

"Sam will be here." Josh whispered to himself. It was a mantra he was keeping and hoping he would be proven right, and not just have his broken heart smashed to pieces. He decided to force himself to give Sam more time.

He wasn't sure how long he could hold out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Slamming the glass down on the bar Sam signaled to the bartender for another. He knew he should stop, having had three previous drinks already, but his head was still functional and he just wanted oblivion for the moment.

He wanted to forget everything that had been going on. Just for a little while. Josh was safe for the moment, giving Sam some relief for the first time since October. But while Josh was safe, he was also broken and that tidbit refused to give Sam the peace of mind that he was craving at the moment.

Sam thought about what Toby had said. Sam had gotten out. Out of Washington, out of politics, out of the chaos that was the White House. Toby said that Sam couldn't drop his entire life to take care of Josh, and he was right.

Sam had a life in California. He had a high paying job, a nice big bachelor pad, new and old friends, and most importantly he had time off. He didn't work 20 hour days 7 days a week anymore. He had finally been able to pick up some of his hobbies again like sailing and reading just to enjoy a good story. He was finally able to see friends and family, long forgotten in the chaos of his life as Deputy Communications Director of the Bartlett administration.

He could now find someone to fall in love with and share his life. To create a family and ties to his community. The idea of kids of his own always lifted his heart, had always been something he wanted.

But Toby was wrong as well. He couldn't go back to the life he had been building. It was a great life with the promise to be even more than he could imagine, but Sam had felt something had been missing. His only regret in leaving his post was leaving Josh behind. He was the only reason Sam had to stay in DC and at the time, it didn't seem like a good enough reason.

It was probably the worst decision he had ever made. One he regretted with every ounce of his being.

His gut clenched at the thought that Josh's mother, his own flesh and blood considered him dead. It made sense. What Josh had said before returning to his room to pack had confused Sam but now he understood and was now concerned about that extra layer.

Does Josh believe that he is dead? Does he believe everything going on right now is his purgatory? His hell?

"I thought you'd be here." Donna said as she sat heavily on the stool next to him. Sam ignored her as he downed the new glass that had been put in front of him.

They sat in silence as the noise of the bar rushed over them. It wasn't too loud, being a hotel bar it was a bit classy. The music was a good volume and the murmuring and laughter around them was polite and quiet.

He was now regretting not going to a real bar. The loud obnoxious music and drunks that would surround him in the dim lighting was what he needed. To be anonymous while drinking himself to till he couldn't think anymore. However he had shot that idea down, knowing if he got that inebriated there was a chance he'd go home with someone, and Sam felt the regret from that one night stand would push him over the edge as well. In his heart he knew it would be a betrayal to Josh.

'Maybe Josh and I could get a double room.' He thought derisively.

"Sam, wha-"

"Can we not talk?" Sam replied, signaling the bartender again. He could feel Donna’s eyes on him and wondered how it didn't drive Josh crazy sooner.

"We have to Sam."

"We really don't Donna."

Donna gave an annoyed sigh and grabbed the glass that had just been placed in front of him. Sam gave sounded a protest only for Donna to hold up her finger in front of him pointedly.

"I get that you're angry Sam but now is not the time to fall apart!"

"And just when would be a good time huh? All my time is going to be taken up by getting Josh to California for the next month or so."

Donna lowered her hand and stared at him for a few beats, her jaw clenching. "Moving him across state lines was your idea Sam. If it’s too much for you than don't do it."

"And what? Leave Josh where he is? No way in hell is that happening." He bit out angrily.

"Sam, he has friends in Washington. We're his family."

"Some family."

"Sam!" She exclaimed.

Sam clenched his jaw shut, determined not to argue anymore with her. It was getting them nowhere. It was getting him nowhere other than frustrated and more angry. He took a few deep breaths letting his mind go blissfully blank before turning to the blonde woman next to him.

He opened his mouth to say something but paused. He took in the worry in her eyes, the unshed tears, and the tightness in her face. He could see her cheek bones more pronounced than he last remembered and took her all in. She looked thinner than he remembered her to be.

For the first time Sam could see the fear and worry that had taken hold of Donna.

"It's for the best Donna." He said softly. "He needs to get out of DC. He needs to get away from politics and the White House so he can heal."

Donna shook her head before wiping a few stray tears gently with her delicate finger. "How can you say that? He loves D.C."

"I don't think he loves it as much as you think you do, or at least not as much as he used to." Sam grabbed hold of her hand. "Josh has been working to get where he is since high school."

"You already yelled at me about this Sam." She barked roughly pulling her hand out of his grasp.

"No, that was about respecting his work. This, this is him pushing himself. You've seen how he works Donna, he will run himself into the ground if you weren't there to make him go home."

He paused there, unable to voice in a way that she could understand why leaving DC was for the best for Josh. That despite all the teasing of having a fan club Josh was very well known in Washington. That there was no where he would be able to go without the possibility of being recognized, especially with all the publicity he's been getting lately.

Sam wanted to explain to her how he had promised Josh that he wouldn't leave him in the hospital. That it was just temporary. That Josh somehow knew and was afraid of the 'system' as he called it. He wanted to explain to her that by being in California, Josh will have more freedom to go out, will get some sun finally and be able to relax and concentrate on healing and not looking over his shoulders.

"I don't know what to say to convince you Donna." He said sadly, wishing he had his drink in front of him to at least keep his hands busy. He couldn't keep them from shaking and fidgeting and it was beginning to frustrate him.

"I don't think you'll ever convince me Sam. I will always believe he belongs in Washington where we are and not isolated across the country."

Sam looked down at the bar for a few beats, picking at the over polished wood beneath his fingers before turning his whole body towards her, meeting her eyes with a determined face. "I love him." He said simply.

Biting her lip Donna gave a couple of nods before turning herself towards him. They were sitting face to face and Sam knew this was it. Whatever was said here and now would determine the course of their friendship.

"I love him too." She said. Sam didn't reply right away, he had already known that. Heck, everyone knew that. It had been something he had had to fight himself over, to not let the jealousy show. Donna was very important to Josh and so he had in the past treaded lightly in regards to her feelings towards his friend.

"I know."

"You know?" She exclaimed, her brows shooting up and her eyes going wide.

"Donna, everyone knows."

"Even Josh?" she asked more softly. Sam could see the hope and in her eyes, the longing in them to know that their friend felt the same and the fear of him not.

Now was the shot he had been waiting for. Now he could crush her and perhaps have her back off of him about Josh. Now he could finally give in and gloat to her and have her feel the jealousy he had felt for her all these years.

But he couldn't do that. He couldn't hurt her like that. She was his friend.

~~~

'A year previous'

"Please come back." Josh said softly over the phone. Josh's pleading had gone right through his body, causing shivers and goosebumps.

This was the last of the calls. After losing the election Sam had decided that he needed out of politics, at least for a little while. He had sent his resignation to Leo and spoke to Donna about shipping his stuff out.

One by one, starting with Toby ranting and yelling in his ear for over an hour his friends and colleges had called. They had begged, pleaded and tried to manipulate him into coming back to the white house. He couldn't do it though. The time away had given him time to breathe and think and he realized that the heavy weight of being on the inside of the administration was strangling him and turning him into someone he didn't like.

The worst one until now had been Donna. Though he was exceedingly jealous of her close relationship with Josh, that she could share it in the open and not have to hide it in a dark bedroom, they had become very close. She had cried on the phone but agreed to help him get his things moved out west. She had expressed her concern for Josh as he was going through a period of depression again. He tried to reassure her, tell her that Josh would be fine, but even Sam didn’t believe the empty words. She had been his main source on Josh, on what the man wouldn't tell Sam. He was especially thankful for her during the months that Josh wouldn't speak to him, angry that Sam had abandoned him.

"You know I can't Josh." He had said in response. "I need to get away from there. It was killing me."

"I know." Josh sniffed and it had caused Sam's heart to splinter at knowing he was causing Josh pain.

"It has nothing to do with you guys Josh, you have to understand that." He said, almost pleading himself to make him understand. "You guys are my family, my best friends."

"I know Sam. We all know. We aren't blaming you or angry at you. We just want you back. We'll miss you."

"I'll miss you guys too."

There was silence then on both ends of the phone. Sam had sat cross legged on the floor by his bed, his elbows on his knees with one hand cover his eyes. In the darkness he focused his ear to the phone, hearing Josh breathing, a sniffle or two, breathe hitching.

"Sam?"

"Yeah."

"I..." Sam sat up quickly, his back straight against the side of the bed. "I love you." Josh whispered into the phone, his voice small and unsure, like a child.

Sam didn't know how to reply to that. He had waited so many years to hear those words from Josh. He had fallen for the man instantly and even knowing not long after that the other man clearly suffered from some kind of mental issues, Sam's heart couldn't help but stay in love with him.

"Josh..."

"Please, come back Sam. Please." The other man begged. Josh's voice cracked and Sam knew his friend was on the edge about to fall.

"I can't Josh." He said, his own heart aching and tearing at the rejection. He had promised himself long ago that he would never be the cause of Josh's tears. He wanted to be the one person in Josh's life that he could depend on, who wouldn't hurt him. After knowing Josh for so long, knowing his life, Sam couldn't bear to be one of them.

But now he was. Josh was saying what Sam always wanted to hear, and then he hurt him by rejecting it.

Not much was said between the two after that. By the muffled sounds on the other end he knew Josh had dropped the phone and Sam sat there and listened to the man he loved break. Each sob tearing into him.

He knew he would regret it.

*****************

'Present'

"Josh does love you Donna." He told her honestly. "Just...not in the same way you love him."

Donna dropped her eyes bar for a few beats before looking back at him. Sam could see the tears shining in her eyes but he could also see acceptance. As if he had just confirmed something she had known for a long time but refused to acknowledge to herself till now.

"Well alright then." She said simply moment or two later, taking a deep breath and letting it go out slowly. "Okay, what do we do? Let's get Josh back together."

Sam smiled at her and turned back to the bar, signaling the bartender for two beers. "Well the first thing is you have to accept what I'm doing." He told her firmly, taking a swig. "Josh  _ IS _ going to California regardless of any protests."

Donna opened her mouth, about to speak but closed it immediately with a grim look. He knew she didn't like it, she'd made herself perfectly clear. But he could see in her eyes that she accepted it, if only for Josh.

"I promise, I'm not taking him away from you. There will be a place in his future for you." He assured.

*************

"Damit Leo you went too far!" The President yelled. "I allowed you to take lead on this and you pushed Josh away and now he's gone."

"Mr. President-"

"No Leo, I don't want to hear any excuses. I only thank god that at least someone was thinking of him. I should have stepped in, I should have."

Leo sat in one of the arm chairs in the Oval Office and Jed Bartlett paced around the room, pissed as all hell about the Josh situation. He couldn't blame the President. Leo was disappointed in himself as well. He was so wrapped up in damage control that he didn't see that someone close to him needed help.

"Sam's getting power of attorney?" Leo confirmed it with a silent nod.

"Good, no offense to his mother though. That poor woman had gone through enough."

Leo silently agreed. Adira Lyman put on a strong front, but the few who are close to her, close to Noah knows very well how fragile the woman really was. Lord only knows how she's kept functioning all these years. Being a holocaust survivor, losing her daughter, her brothers suicide, Noah getting sick just to name a few.

"Does he have a plan? Does he know or has any idea what he needs to do? You call him and tell him if he needs any advice or a presidential order he can come straight to me and Abby."

"I'll tell him sir, he said he was taking Josh to California."

Bartlett stopped pacing and turned towards Leo, hands on the back of the couch leaning over. "Why California?"

"Dr. Keyworth works out of an inpatient psychiatric clinic there. He's pulling a few strings to get Josh into there. Considering Josh's job, it's a good solution. It’s a highly credentialed institution and Dr. Keyworth has already been vetted. Sam wants to get him out of Washington while he heals.

He hated that plan. It made sense and Leo believed that it would do Josh a lot of good, but he didn't like Josh being so far. Especially now. Though he contributed to the man’s breakdown a great deal doesn't mean he didn't care. He did care. He cared a great deal about the man he thought of as his son.

"How's he getting there?" The president asked, finally coming around to sit in the chair opposite him.

"I don't know yet sir. I don't think he's thought that far ahead."

"Well you just tell him, if he can wait a few weeks we'll take them. Smuggle them on Air Force One when we go to that thing next month."

Leo nodded again. Silence descended between the two friends, each deep in thought about the same person. Each running through their mind what they could have or should have done differently to prevent this. How they missed the signs again that Josh was slipping.

"I'm going to have to tell Abby about this." Bartlett muttered. “She's going to be pissed as all hell."

"I'd suggest hiding but she'd see that."

"Nothing like a White House Christmas."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review after reading. Thank you :)


End file.
